A CONSCEINCE IS WHAT HURTS WHEN ALL YOUR OTHER PARTS FEEL GOOD  

TravelinsAuntPat 50F
237 posts
11/28/2005 2:37 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A CONSCEINCE IS WHAT HURTS WHEN ALL YOUR OTHER PARTS FEEL GOOD



MY CONSCEINCE IS REALLY BOTHERING ME THIS LATE NIGHT. I HAD TO GO VISIT MY DADDY WHO IS IN A NURSING HOME. I HAD TO PLACE HIM THERE FOR SIX MONTHS WHILE MY MOTHER HAD MAJOR SURGERY (BOTH KNEES HAD TO BE REPLACED)HUGE DEAL.

HE HAS ONLY BEEN IN THE NURSING HOME FOR 3 WEEKS AND IT IS A VERY NICE FACILITY AND THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE ARE GREAT. BUT I CANNOT TAKE IT. WHEN I GO TO SEE HIM I FEEL SO GUILITY. HE BEGS ME TO TAKE HIM HOME AND LET HIM STAY AT HIS HOUSE BY HIMSELF. BUT DUE TO HIS HEALTH PROBLEMS THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. YET I CANNOT CARE FOR BOTH OF MY PARENTS AT ONE TIME. OH GAWD WHAT DO I DO.

I FINALLY MADE THE DECISION TONIGHT - MEMAW COMES HOME TO MY HOUSE DEC. 1 AND WILL BE HERE UNTIL SHE CAN DRIVE AGAIN WHICH WILL BE ABOUT 8 OR SO WEEKS FROM THE DATE OF SURGERY. AFTER SHE HAS RETURNED TO HER HOME SHE WILL STILL NEED TIME TO HEAL BEFORE SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF MY FATHER WHO IS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND ONLY HAS ONE LEG.

"DRUM ROLL PLEASE"

I AM GOING TO BRING HIM HERE TO MY HOUSE ONCE MY MOTHER HAS RETURNED TO HER HOME. YOU MIGHT ASK GEEZ WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL BUT IF YOU KNEW MY FATHER AND HIS ILLNESS YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.

FROM A CAR WRECK IN 1989 WHICH LEFT HIM IN A COMA FOR WEEKS HE HAS MENTAL PROBLEMS AND IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH. AS MEAN AS HE CAN GET SOMETIMES AND I HAVE WATCHED HIM BE SO MEAN TO MY MOTHER. I ALWAYS SAID THAT IF SOMETHING EVER HAPPENED TO MY MOTHER MY FATHER WOULD HAVE TO BE PLACED IN A NURSING HOME.

NOT !!!!!

EVERYTIME I GO THERE IT GETS HARDER AND HARDER TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND AS I RETURN HOME. TONIGHT AS I LOOKED INTO HIS EYES AND SAW THE FEAR AND THE LONELINESS I SAW THE DADDY THAT I KNEW FROM LONG AGO. THAT MAN IS SCARED AND LONELY I DIE EVERYTIME I HAVE TO LEAVE HIM THERE. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS MY FATHER REACHED OUT AND TOOK MY HAND TO HOLD IT AS HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND THAT IF I WOULD BRING HIM TO MY HOUSE HE WOULD BEHAVE. I STOOD THERE TRYING TO BE STRONG BUT I TEARED UP AND TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM AND THAT I AM SORRY I HAD TO PLACE HIM IN THE NURSING HOME. EXPLAING TO HIM SOMETHING HE ALREADY KNOWS: I HAD TO DO THIS FOR MY MOTHERS SAKE. YET I REALIZE BY LOOKING INTO HIS EYES TONIGHT THAT I OWE THIS TO HIM NO MATTER WHAT THE PAST HAS HELD.

MY REASONING IS SIMPLE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL AND I GOT SCARED AT NIGHT I ALWAYS WENT TO MY FATHERS SIDE OF THE BED AND SNUGGLED IN AND I FELT SO SAFE.

WHEN HE REACHED OUT TO ME IN DIRE STRAITS AND FEAR IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED IT WAS MY TURN IN THE CIRCLE TO STEP UP AND CALM MY ELDERLY FATHERS FEARS NO MATTER WHAT THE COST.

SO I WILL BE BRINING HIM TO MY HOUSE TO STAY FOR THE 6 MONTHS. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF FOR THE REST OF MY JOURNEY AROUND THE SUN.


YA KNOW IT IS AMAZING WE CAN HAVE OUR MINDS DEAD SET AND ALL MADE UP ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE GOING TO BE IN OUR LIFES. YET IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN AND WE FIND OURSELVES ON A NEW COURSE.

ONE THAT WE NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS WE WOULD EVER BE TAKING. TO KNOW MY FAMILY AND THE HISTORY YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SUCH A MONUMENTAL DECISION YET IN MY HEART I KNOW IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

SOMEONE TOLD ME ONCE WHEN YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING ELSE JUST DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING AND EVENTUALLY YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF ON A BETTER ROAD.

LOVE,
AUNTIE PAT



PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
11/28/2005 3:29 am

*HUGS Auntie*

This is a fear I am watching my mother deal with lately, due to my grandmother's age, and one that has begun to haunt me as well as I watch my father aging... We do what we must, what we can manage under the circumstances and what we know is right. Sadly, they are not always the same....

*'nother HUG*

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


rm_MRLUVA7332 43M

11/28/2005 4:10 am

You're a strong woman.All respect due to you.


hairbabedelivers 52F

11/28/2005 4:33 am

auntie, you will never change, and i do know what a hard decision you made as well as i know the gazillion hard ones you've yet to make. My mom suffers from m.s.and alzheimers at just 63. We the kids believe that she brought some on herself. she raised none of us and ordered me while i had been drinking to drive home-i almost died. I think there is some all powerful gene somewhere that just forces nurtering out of us. As much as i hate it and as hard as it is, i do my part in her care, and cry all the way home. You are a strong woman. snaps and hugs to you, pat


hairbabedelivers 52F

11/28/2005 4:34 am

auntie, you will never change, and i do know what a hard decision you made as well as i know the gazillion hard ones you've yet to make. My mom suffers from m.s.and alzheimers at just 63. We the kids believe that she brought some on herself. she raised none of us and ordered me while i had been drinking to drive home-i almost died. I think there is some all powerful gene somewhere that just forces nurtering out of us. As much as i hate it and as hard as it is, i do my part in her care, and cry all the way home. You are a strong woman. snaps and hugs to you, patA CONSCEINCE IS WHAT HURTS WHEN ALL YOUR OTHER PARTS FEEL GOOD


rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
11/29/2005 8:39 am

One day at a time, lessons and blessings will be yours as it is you that is willing to be present..not only for your father but for others that you love. You are planting a garden, Pat, in many ways. I moved my mother from Illinois to VA. 16 months ago...she is 81. Some days are better than others for her. Without Judge Judy and Fear Factor, I'm not so sure she would be content to be retired to where she is. As one of my 3 brothers lives with her, my home can remain the sanctuary of peace that it is...and I am grateful for that.

I have, however, had many opportunities to live life differently regarding the precious gift of time since the move. I have been given the gift of embracing some of the deepest pain in my life through her presence and yet am grateful that I am learning to let go and live in a space that embraces love and forgiveness. My thoughts are to be with today because that is what is really important and let the rest go. I've learned that I do much more to avoid pain than I do to experience pleasure...with my mom anyway {=} You are a courageous and loving spirit, Pat...think of this an adventure ' cause it is.... {=}

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
11/29/2005 9:03 am

One day at a time, lessons and blessings will be yours as it is you that is willing to be present..not only for your father but for yourself and for others that you love. You are planting a garden, Pat, in many ways.

I moved my mother from Illinois to VA. 16 months ago...she is 81 and some days are better than others for her. She doesn't remember as she believes that she does and her perception of reality is what it is any given day of the week. Without Judge Judy and Fear Factor, I'm not so sure she would be content to be retired to where she is although she is well and lovingly cared for. As one of my 3 brothers lives with her, my home can remain the sanctuary of peace that it is...and I am grateful for that and yet there are days when she is demanding of time and energy.

I have, however, had many opportunities to live life differently regarding the precious gift of time since the move. I have been given the gift of embracing some of the deepest pain in my life through her presence and yet am grateful that I am learning to let go and live in a space that embraces love and forgiveness. My thoughts are to be with today because that is what is really important and let the rest go. I've learned that I do much more to avoid pain than I do to experience pleasure...with my mom anyway {=} You are a courageous and loving spirit, Pat...think of this an adventure ' cause it is.... {=}
~~~~~~

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


TravelinsAuntPat 50F

11/29/2005 4:46 pm



THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. AS A NURSE OF 20 YEARS I HAVE ALWAYS TREATED MY PATIENTS AS IF I WERE CARING FOR MY OWN. I COME FROM THE OLD NURSING SCHOOL AND TRAIN OF THOUGHT. NOT TODAY'S STANDARD HMO MANAGED CARE IN IT FOR THE MONEY PEOPLE.

SO WITH THAT BEING SAID NOW IT IS TIME TO REALLY TAKE CARE OF MY PARENTS AND I HAVE TO DO IT WITH THE SAME PATIENCE AND HONOR THAT I HAVE GIVEN SO MANY OTHERS DOWN THROUGH THE YEARS. IF NOT THEN I WAS LYING TO MYSELF ALL ALONG.


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
11/30/2005 12:52 am

Hang in there Aunt Pat....and as often as you can...get some help and some time to yourself..you'll be needing it. Being a caregiver is very hard work...and very stressful to. Take care...and I'll be thinking of you on Thursday...ok.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


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