|Blogs > TravelinMan161 > Experiences and Thoughts|
Well, this entry won't be a "rant" like the last one; more like a "can somebody please explain to me....?"
There is a phrase that I've been seeing crop up more and more in people's (or at least women's) profiles, esp. in the past couple of years, that being the phrase "no drama". Now just what the heck does that mean, "no drama"? To paraphrase The Buddha, "Life IS Drama"! By that I mean that "negative" stuff is a part of life, y'know? Much as we might wish at times (esp. when it's happening to us!) that it wasn't, it's there. In fact, as the old saying goes, if it weren't for the "bad stuff", how would we ever know what the "good stuff" was?
Now sometimes, some women will be a bit more explict, and say "no baby mama drama". OK, but still-what the heck does that mean? Is it saying you don't want to date/hang/get it on with some guy who has kids? Or does it mean that you don't want one of his ex's coming over to your place when he's there and getting up in your face, when they're supposed to be broken up? That you don't want to deal with some guy who's having to give up half his paycheck to support an ex-wife and kid? All of the above? Neither? Somebody's got to explain that one to me.
But getting back to the original, simpler (and more ambigous) form of the statement, I guess when I think about it, when it comes to women who are just looking for a "fuck friend" or a "booty call". I can kind of understand. I mean, if you're just getting together with someone for the purpose of a little mutual nut busting and nothing more, then you're probably not really interested in getting acquainted with the personal aspects of that person's life. You and they are there for one specific purpose, and that's it. OK, fine-that makes sense.
(As an aside, I should say that that is one of the kinds of "relationships"-if you can really call that a relationship-that I've never been able to get into. Call me old-fashioned, or just a plain "old fart", but for me to get turned by somebody, I have to be attracted to them on the *inside* as well as the outside. What manifests itself in a physical form as sexual arousal comes not merely from me finding them physically sexy, nor even from the physical contact of things like touching, kissing, caressing, but primarily from their personality-in other words, I actually have to care about them and like them as a person. Not necessarily be "in love" with them, but find them desireable on some level "on the inside" well as on the out.)
But where I find the greatest confusion with that phrase is with the women who use it in their profiles, but most adamantly state that they are *not* looking for a "booty call" or "fuck buddy", but for a "friend with benefits", and a true friend at that. Now given what I said above that life itself, if it's real, if it's authentic, consists in some part of "drama", how can you be a real friend to someone, and yet tell them "no drama"? Isn't being a *real* friend all about accepting the other person and who they are, even the negative stuff? Isn't it about being there for them if they need someone to talk to, some one to listen to them? Isn't it about saying to them when they're down or in trouble "Is there anything you think I could do that would help?" Again, maybe I'm a little old fashioned in that area, but to me, that's what genuine friendship is all about, with or without "bennies". It's (at least in part) about being there for the other person when things aren't going "perfect", as well as when they are.
Now having said all that, I also realise there are differnt levels of friendship, of closeness, of affinity-and things that would be appropriate to discuss with one person you consider a friend might not be appropriate to discuss with one of your other friends. But that's an individual thing, and something that each must decide on their own. But in general, if I'm having a great day, I let my friends know. And by the same token, if I'm having a shitty day, I let my freinds know, as well as why it's shitty. That, to me, is all a part of real friendship.
Before I close this entry, I should also point out that though one should be able to talk about "bad stuff" with a real friend (bennies or no) as well as "good stuff", I think it's fair to say that no one likes a whiner. Sharing what's on your mind or what's bothering you with a friend is one thing; beating them over the head all the time with whatever darkness you might have in your life is something else. Nobody wants to hear nothing but complaining, bitching, moaning, etc. about what's going wrong in your life all the time, to the exclusion of all else. Now if *that* is what someone means by "no drama" within the confines of a friendship, then I can understand-in fact, that should just be common sense and common courtesy. But as selfish as people seem to be today, as obessessed with "perfection" (esp. when it comes to other people) as they appear to be, I'm not so sure. So, comments anyone?