the man behind the handle  

TommyJ1977 45M
83 posts
12/15/2005 1:32 am

Last Read:
5/29/2006 11:17 am

the man behind the handle

To all that read this....this is who I am. After joining the army out of high school, I spent 2 yrs. in Germany. I then went on to KS and met my first wife on a road trip to a distant state. I exited the military 1 year after marriage to try and save it. It was to no avail. I had a failed marriage with the woman that I lost my virginity to. She cheated twice and I took her back. I know..mistake. I wanted our three kids to grow up with their parents. She wanted our three kids....and her new boyfriend. Hard to trust after that. Well...I've barely touched the surface....stay tuned.
I could not handle the pressures I was facing and had to watch my son in the rearview mirror chasing me for one last hug. With tears in my eyes I knew that if I had stopped I would not have been able to leave. Leaving is just what I had to do though. I had to get my thoughts and life back together. After 1800 miles I arrived at my childhood state. Determined to get my life and my identity back. I stayed 4 mos. before i realized that I should live for my children, they were my life now.
Little did I know that it was not my children I was me. I had lost myself somewhere and thought I could cover that up by burrying myself in a life of fatherhood. Once again, I was wrong. The pain was still there even though I was with my children once again. Then I did the unthinkable. I got involved with a crazy woman and her crazier live-in man. They would beat each other in front of their kids and I would always step in and get the police called on me. Did I get out? No. I stayed in that crap for 4 mos., almost drowned the guy in a pond cuz he was trying to kill the girl. Finally got out by going to jail for assaulting the guy when he was out of control. All charges were dropped as like I said...he was out of control. Nevertheless, once again I had to leave..not knowing what would happen. I returned to my comfort zone once again..far away from my kids.

This time I did things right....for a while that is. I had my good job and career, or so I thought. I met the most spectacular woman I'd ever laid eyes on. She was strong, independent, and had the attitude and mouth of a trucker. Yes, those are good traits they just have to be balanced properly. I went to a party at her house, did the funky butt dance on her couch and never left. We were married three years later. All was well for a while but my trend was not healthy. We had a child together and she had a child from a previous marriage. So I threw myself into my newfound family and recessed back into myself. All my feelings and emotions kept being bottled up inside me as I did not want to admit that once again I had jumped into something I was not ready for.

Upon the bombing of Iraq at the beginning of the battle against terrorism, I rejoined the service with the support of my wife. We moved to a southern state and I was immediately shipped out to Iraq. After serving in the first gulf war I was all too familiar with the surroundings although they were a little more busted up this time. I maintained constant contact with my wife and kids, trying to lend my support as much as I could from where I was. I was able to ship out a message gift to her on valentines day, one of the few romantic and sentimental things I had done for her. I couldn't understand it, I could tell her what she wanted to hear on a paper from accross the ocean but I could not tell her face to face what I fealt in my heart. It was another doomed relationship, I just didn't want to admit it.

So that brings me to the now...determined to find myself for me and not another doomed relationship. I live for me now and recognize the difference between pain and loneliness. I deal with the pain everyday and learn to overcome it so I can give my all to a special person that deserves the kind of man I really am. I live for my kids too, but I know that to give them my all I have to live for myself first.

My search for the man I started out to be but never got the chance to find, starts now. When I can give to someone the kind of man I would want my daughters to marry and my sons to be, then I will be ready to find my one true love. This crazy world has so many turns that I have learned to be open minded enough to accept change. I have learned more about myself and my failed relationships in the past month than I ever thought I could learn. I now have my best friend out of marriage instead of my bitter enemy in marriage. I'd rather have her as a friend for the rest of my life than as a wife that I barely know. This is me, but not all of me. Only the one I choose to give my heart and soul to will know the whole story.

luvkitn21 33F

12/15/2005 2:52 am

Wow, I really enjoyed reading about you. I too am trying to find myself. What I thought I wanted has changed drastically, and not sure what to do next. I hope that you can find that part of you that you are lacking.

TommyJ1977 45M

12/15/2005 6:51 pm

Mari, thank you for your comments and I know that one day, when I am ready this time, I will find the person I was meant to be with. You know how I feel about wanting to end things on a good note and you made that much easier than I could have imagined. Thank you for always being a friend and don't forget you have a friend in me. Anyway, may love and happiness follow you always.

TommyJ1977 45M

12/15/2005 6:59 pm

luv, thanks for the comments and I am on a good road toward a great life. I am sure I will connect with myself and whomever may be THE one when I am ready. Whatever it is that you are going through....all I can say is keep your chin up and the answer will come when you least expect it. All we can do is go on with our lives and accept what we are given or change that which we refuse to accept. May fun, love and laughter be in your future.

luvkitn21 33F

12/15/2005 9:13 pm

Tommy, thanks for taking the time to read. I do believe that it is the situation I am in that is the most confusing. Being with someone for so long and then your just not is something that I'm going to have to get used to with time. People always say that your rebound relationships can seem wonderful and then blow up in your face, and I guess that is true. I guess I just thought I'd never be the girl that was told she was beautiful and wanted and then that just be a complete lie. And I would love for you to give up some secrets of the male gender. I think every woman would love to know that.

luvkitn21 33F

12/15/2005 11:48 pm

Thanks for enlightening me on the subject. You make a very good point, and I agree with you on guys and their ego's. I faked it for too long, so now I'm not doing that anymore. I don't really understand how a man could not want to please his girl more than a 100%. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean most women are eager to please I believe. Please fill me in if you get anymore ideas on your gender.

seattleracefan 51F  
5 posts
12/24/2005 10:31 pm

I am touched by your candor and gentleness! You are so right about happiness coming from within. May each and every day of your life be all you need it to be. I send you soft kisses to soothe your soul. Diane

msquadrider 57F

1/2/2006 6:05 pm

I would like to be your friend....I have my shit together....and I think I just need someone to need me.....

TommyJ1977 45M

1/2/2006 7:59 pm

I appreciate the comments seattleracefan. I was a little over the top with my blog but it helps to get it out and off my chest. I hate to sound like a sob story and don't want attention just because I wrote some stuff about my life. I am truly a deep and passionate person but am tenderhearted and a bit naive. So with that combo, I tend to open myself up for heartache. I love with my whole heart and thereofore when I get hurt.....I really hurt. I don't understand though how anyone can love in any other way. If a person is worth your heart at all, I feel that they would be deserving of everything you have to give and nothing less. Once I am healed and ready for the person who deserves it that is exactly what I will offer....everything I have to give. I will not make the mistakes I have in the past. I will make sure that my heart has mended so that I know without a doubt I am with the one who deserves my all. I just hope that doesn't take so long that I miss out on my one true love......or have I already?....Only time will tell. Until then maybe someone who likes theatre, art, fun and life would like to accompany me and share lifes little pleasures. Once again....thanks for the support and I hope to return the favor.

TommyJ1977 45M

1/2/2006 9:04 pm

Thank you for reading and I invite anyone who can show me true friendship, as that is just what I need right now. I have always tried to be the rock, the strong and unwaivering, supporting those who I felt needed me most. I was too ridiculously wrapped up in myself to realize that sometimes the role can change and it is ok to need instead of being needed all the time. The most important thing is to be able to find the balance between the two. Focusing all your energy on the needs of just a few people is not good either. That just leads to guilt in the people that you think you are being strong for. It is also ok to not give all your time and energy to the people closest to you when there are others that need you as well. Whew...that was a mouthful. Sounds like alot of hype but looking back, that is what I have learned throughout my relationships as a major ordeal. That is precisely why I want to make sure that I am ready for that one special person. If she is truly the one, then my energy will not have to be spent solely on her. Instead she will assist me in being strong and supportive of not just her but all those that matter to me. I would ofcourse do the same for her. It is going to take some willpower to try and not be the pillar of strength all the time. I look back and realize that I needed the ones I loved as much if not more than they needed me. I just wouldn't allow myself to see that. My future holds great things....I just wish I knew what they were right now. I feel like I am fresh out of high school and don't know what is going to happen to my life. I probably sound like a flake with all this baggage, but I am actually growing stronger and learning alot about myself. I know what kind of person I am and have been in the past and that I have alot to offer. With all that has molded me in this ordeal, I hope to gain so much more that I can offer to that special woman who deserves the most that a person can give her. As I said before, I invite anyone who can be trustworthy enough to gain my friendship. My true love will have to be my best friend first.

TommyJ1977 45M

2/18/2006 12:19 am

Thanx Mari,

I have been away for a while and, as some already know, I am writing to you now as your life partner newly reunited. I can always count on you to support me in every way, even during our time apart. I have known since the beginning I had my best friend by my side and that would only change if I caused it to. I would never allow that to happen, you are my friend and lifelong love. With your help I have found that which was dormant for so long. Time away to think and dwell on issues that had remained repressed has brought me farther than I thought I needed to come. I also thank the wonderful people on this site and that I have met in our time away from each other. They have all helped me to reconnect with myself and bring out the man that nearly ran you over years ago. I hope that soon I can nearly run you over once again...just kidding.

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