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The Dark Side Of My Moon
The Dark Side Of My Moon
We are all like the moon - there is a dark side to us that we want no one to see.
It was another dirt digging meeting. Scheduled weekly.I am flying on Freud airlines.Two sections - guilt and non-guilt. And the seats go all the way back to childhood.
The therapist admires my courage to go to these places I would rather not visit.I realize I am my own worst enemy.This week it hits me like a shovel across the forehead when the light goes on and I realize the things I have done to survive..She has exposed my defenses.I am the Ravens the year they won the Super Bowl. Nothing gets by me to pennetrate my field position.Suddenly ,I feel like the ax that goes into the woods and the trees all say look, the handle is one of us.
We talked about feelings .These are located in a circle. Inside are feelings of happiness, sadness, shame,fear,loss and all those feelings we men do not like to deal with.
Outside are our defenses. Focusing on others, looking good,intimidation,anger,addiction,working,
rationalization,justifying, humor- and all the other ways we protect ourselves from dealing with what is in the circle.
Much of this is related to having a Y chromosone and a penis.I am a man and as such ,tend to gravitate to three different drives. There is the philander - the desire to love many.There is the contender - the desire to compete at all costs. There is the controller - the desire to conquer and control.
I have long known about the brokeness of being a man. We commit most of the crimes and fill the courts and prisions,we purchase and devour the pornography, we die years ahead of our female counterparts due to stress related illnesses, we sacrifice our marriages and children for our so called successes, we strudggle with the challanges of relating to our women and children, we often fail at making real friends...I know I am generalizing but you know what I mean.We are conditioned to repress vulnerable emotions.We are expected to relate although we possess inadequate relationship skills.Being raised by neglectful or abusive parents is another nail in your emotional coffin.
Someone has said that anything an emotionally healthy man chooses to do to be in touch with his full range of emotions and learned how to relate in a constructive, life affirming manner is the paradim we should work toward.Sounds good. Trying to make it happen - that is the hard part.
Going to these dirt digging meetings reminds me to remember the pain, release the feelings of the past, resolve the blame of my parents and redefine the relationships in the present.It is much easier to write that than to accomplish it.
Clean pain is ok.That is what we are supposed to feel when something is happening to us.Dirty pain isnt. That is the pain of remembering our thoughts of how wrong this was, how it proves we and life are bad, it is the painful thoughts of our reality.
As Karen Kaiser Clark has so succienctly put it : "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely."
OK Roger. Lets que the music and get out of here for now...From the song Brain Damage by Pink Floyd:
And if the clouds bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the Dark Side Of The Moon .
10/17/2005 10:19 am
Lemme know when you get to the Rorschach tests - we can compare notes. (I think I scared my therapist when we did this one.)|
10/17/2005 11:07 am
growing is a hard thing to do but by doing so I feel we gain in strength and not physical but mental and spiritual to deal with all that we've been through and to begin to break the cycles that have made us what we are so hang in there tomE I know the feeling dude it's only as hard as we let it become remember all those things in the past we cant change just have to accept them and not repeat and your already ahead of the game|