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We all know the feeling. You just want to kiss someone deeply, coup de foudre, a strike of lightning to the heart. Sometimes it happens to me. I don't act on it. But I do pause, think, and breath deeply. Kissing, done well, is magnificent.
My name, my handle, comes from the poem "To Be Of Use" by Marge Piercy:
The people I love the best jump into work head first without dallying in the shallows and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight. They seem to become natives of that element, the black sleek heads of seals bouncing like half submerged balls.
I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart, who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience, who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward, who do what has to be done, again and again.
I want to be with people who submerge in the task, who go into the fields to harvest and work in a row and pass the bags along, who stand in the line and haul in their places, who are not parlor generals and field deserters but move in a common rhythm when the food must come in or the fire be put out.
The work of the world is common as mud. Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust. But the thing worth doing well done has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident. Greek amphoras for wine or oil, Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums but you know they were made to be used. The pitcher cries for water to carry and a person for work that is real.
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a return to the kitchen
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Mar 12, 2012 8:40 pm
1067 Views
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I have been traveling for the past month, in Atlanta with TPO and in Mexico. Travel brings its special pleasures but it limits my cooking. Strange kitchens and a small pantry do not inspire me. My return home home has unleashed a month of repressed desires.
My first day home was wrecked by idiot bureaucrats who kept me waiting for hours, so I slipped out and went to a big box store for a small shopping tear. An eight pound pork shoulder, a whole duck, three pounds of bacon and a pile of onions, potatoes and dried fruit ended up in my cart. I attribute the haul to gremlins in my brain.
The duck got immediate attention, steamed and then roasted with a Chinese lacquer glaze redolent with star anise, ginger and garlic. The crisp skin of a perfectly cooked duck and the rare pink flesh underneath are the foods that make my mouth water (that is a euphemism, BTW, you pervs).
It is easy to break down a pork shoulder, the most flavorful and cheapest part of a hog. I turned my shoulder into two roasts, marinating for two days, one in a Puerto Rican/Cuban sauce, the other in an eastern Mediterranean sauce. Yum, yum, I took them to a casual family meal yesterday and they were pleased.
The leftover duck, its kidneys and livers and dried apricots, all finely diced by hand, are now in the fridge marinading in a touch of cognac and spices. In one hour, they will be baked into a pate. I will buy a perfect bread tomorrow to accompany the shmear.
I need a friend, an audience. Who will visit me so I can cook? Who will invite me to visit them? But it is not all about the food.
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8
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friends
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Mar 10, 2012 11:20 pm
1109 Views
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There was a time in my life when there were six thousand names in my PDA and many hundreds of people called me their friend, just as I thought of them. Five years later with a career change, most are gone from my life, a sign of how limited their interest was. I still have the loyalty of a hundred but my phone is not ringing off of the hook the way it did in the past.
I have been concentrating on making new friends since then. I like the feeling of earning friendship, not obtaining it because of who I was and what I could do. On the other hand it does mean that when I offer my friendship and it is rejected, it hurts.
I originally came to ArfArfArf to perv the profiles and lust after some of you here. It did not take long to realize that I would not be using the site to "get laid... guaranteed" or whatever the current promise is. I started blogging and found that there is a whole community of people here who think while they write. Sure, some of you will fuck at the first chance you get and bravo to you . Others are more like me and use this space to write things we cannot say to our real-life friends, even though we might like to meet someone to whom we can say these thoughts. I think it is easier to talk about our neuroses and insecurities and desires with somebody who knows of them before we meet, than it is too admit the same to old friends.
I blog here and very rarely try to meet someone for a friendship. I could "get laid...guaranteed" just by going out of my home but I prefer to find a friend or two. Yes, I love sex, and no, there is not enough in my life, but I want to find somebody who I can grab a beer and a taco with. It was great fun to attract the lusty attention of women while I was on the beach in Mexico last month but I wanted their friendship for a few days rather than sex for one night.
Yesterday a friend offered me her ticket to see Lila Downs with her husband as she could not attend the show. It was great fun. Tonight I was delighted when one of my most butch female friends called and invited me over to her place to watch the new HBO movie about Sarah Palin. I want more of this and not just on weekends. But I was also told by someone who interests me as a friend, not a sex partner, that they have no interest in meeting. Ouch.
It now seems unlikely that this is the place for finding a friend. I will probably blog on occasion but I am feeling much more guarded about ArfArfArf tonight than I did earlier.
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8
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rescue me
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Feb 24, 2012 5:40 pm
1410 Views
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I love my family. My father, my deceased mother, my brothers and sisters are much more than any man has a right to expect. On occasion, however, one or another can drive me nuts.
I am in Mexico to visit my father in my fave beach city, a place I introduced him and all of my family to. I found an apartment for him as I did last year. Last week one of my sisters decided to join us, not a big problem since there are two bedrooms and a couch. Then she invited one of her girlfriends, who accepted. Then she invited my sister-in-law to exit her business trip in Florida a few days early and have her join us.
Please think, my dear readers, how this might work. I returned from the beach at the condo today and was told that my belongings had been moved to my father's bedroom. I get to sleep in his bed with him tonight. When my sister-in-law arrives tomorrow it will get impossibly weird.
Will one of you women-who-read-my-words-and-whom-I-lust-for come to Mexico so I can take an apartment and have a semi-normal sleeping arrangement? It won't be a big burden for you, with blue sky, warm water, cold beer and fabulous food. I am not bad in the sack (although there must be some women who would dispute that) and I really like spooning in the morning. And my family is really nice, even if my sister screwed the pooch with this visit. You won't have to deal with that, just drink the Kool-Ade and eat the tacos and ceviche.
Rescue me.
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7
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I will always return
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Feb 19, 2012 1:42 pm
1349 Views
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The Perfect One has been sick for a few days. When I arrived at her front door this morning she greeted me with the tired eyes and slightly limp body of one who has been struggling with her health. I received a weak hug but I knew she meant it to be real.
She revived with juice, a few pieces of bacon and some fresh fruit. She was soon all over me, kissing my diamond earring as if she had just discovered it, playing with my rose tattoo (the other men in her life are ink-free) and stroking my short, tight beard. It did not take long for her to insist that I dance around the house with her while she sang a song nobody else knows, a song she made up on the spot. She placed her head on my shoulder and wrapped one arm around to my back and gave it a slow tap-tap-tap with her hand when she was especially satisfied.
The games continued for three hours, things she does with nobody other than her adoring PawPaw. Her Mom, also sick, remained in the background amazed that TPO was ready to play. TPO wasn't her usual talkative and laughing self but she was and is still more charming than most adults.
She loves me, I know. I did not have children of my own. Two decades ago I married a woman with two fine teenaged daughters who have grown into spectacular women. One has given the world TPO. She is not of my blood but I love her more than anything else. I am blessed by knowing her, by receiving her love, by giving her my love.
I drove for four days to see her. I will fly out tomorrow but return to be with her for one more week in March. I rarely know when I will next see her but I live for those moments. I will return and I will always be there for her.
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4
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my heart is pounding and I can't sleep
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Feb 19, 2012 6:13 am
1277 Views
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I can discern the differences between a crush, deep lust and true love. Each one makes my heart race but only one keeps me awake at night and that is true love. I am in love and cannot sleep, because I will see her tomorrow after months apart. When I close my eyes I see endless movies in my brain about us together, what we will do on our Sunday together, so I am out of bed and back to my blog, a release I hope.
She loves fresh fruit, juice, bacon and muffins on Sunday morning so I will visit her bearing those gifts. We can cook eggs when I arrive. We love feeding each other with our hands, much more fun than forks. Anything that falls on the floor is easily cleaned later, if the cat does not get it first. I will bring the NY Times with me but she is never impressed by the paper. Trash TV on Sunday morning is more her style.
The weather is supposed to be kinda' crappy, so we will likely stay in and share the couch. Her couch is pretty small so we will have to cuddle together, but that is not a problem since The Perfect One just turned three years old and fits nicely against me. TPO is going to love my new Sesame Street video with Los Lobos singing a variation on one of their classic songs, "Elmo and The Lavender Moon" (she loves Elmo and me. I love her and anything she loves).
Is it okay for a grandfather who is in love to get sappy here?
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3
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my heart is pounding and I can't sleep
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Feb 19, 2012 4:49 am
1203 Views
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I can discern the differences between a crush, deep lust and true love. Each one makes my heart race but only one keeps me awake at night and that is true love. I am in love and cannot sleep, because I will see her tomorrow after months apart. When I close my eyes I see endless movies in my brain about us together, what we will do on our Sunday together, so I am out of bed and back to my blog, a release I hope.
She loves fresh fruit, juice, bacon and muffins on Sunday morning so I will visit her bearing those gifts. We can cook eggs when I arrive. We love feeding each other with our hands, much more fun than forks. Anything that falls on the floor is easily cleaned later, if the cat does not get it first. I will bring the NY Times with me but she is never impressed by the paper. Trash TV on Sunday morning is more her style.
The weather is supposed to be kinda' crappy, so we will likely stay in and share the couch. Her couch is pretty small so we will have to cuddle together, but that is not a problem since The Perfect One just turned three years old and fits nicely against me. TPO is going to love my new Sesame Street video with Los Lobos singing a variation on one of their classic songs, "Kiko (Elmo) and The Lavender Moon". She loves Elmo and me. I love her and anything she loves.
Is it okay for a grandfather who is in love to get sappy here?
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2
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my heart is pounding and I can't sleep
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Feb 18, 2012 10:30 pm
1107 Views
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I can discern the differences between a crush, deep lust and true love. Each one makes my heart race but only one keeps me awake at night and that is true love. I am in love and cannot sleep, because I will see her tomorrow after months apart. When I close my eyes I see endless movies in my brain about us together, what we will do on our Sunday together, so I am out of bed and back to my blog, a release I hope.
She loves fresh fruit, juice, bacon and muffins on Sunday morning so I will visit her bearing those gifts. We can cook eggs when I arrive. We love feeding each other with our hands, much more fun than forks. Anything that falls on the floor is easily cleaned later, if the cat does not get it first. I will bring the NY Times with me but she is never impressed by the paper. Trash TV on Sunday morning is more her style.
The weather is supposed to be kinda' crappy, so we will likely stay in and share the couch. Her couch is pretty small so we will have to cuddle together, but that is not a problem since The Perfect One just turned three years old and fits nicely against me. TPO is going to love my new Sesame Street video with Los Lobos singing a variation on one of their classic songs, "Elmo and The Lavender Moon" (she loves Elmo and me. I love her and anything she loves).
Is it okay for a grandfather who is in love to get sappy here?
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my heart is pounding and I can't sleep
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Feb 18, 2012 9:50 pm
958 Views
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I can discern the differences between a crush, deep lust and true love. Each one makes my heart race but only one keeps me awake at night and that is true love. I am in love and cannot sleep, because I will see her tomorrow after months apart. When I close my eyes I see endless movies in my brain about us together, what we will do on our Sunday together, so I am out of bed and back to my blog, a release I hope.
She loves fresh fruit, juice, bacon and muffins on Sunday morning so I will visit her bearing those gifts. We can cook eggs when I arrive. We love feeding each other with our hands, much more fun than forks. Anything that falls on the floor is easily cleaned later, if the cat does not get it first. I will bring the NY Times with me but she is never impressed by the paper. Trash TV on Sunday morning is more her style.
The weather is supposed to be kinda' crappy, so we will likely stay in and share the couch. Her couch is pretty small so we will have to cuddle together, but that is not a problem since The Perfect One just turned three years old and fits nicely against me. TPO is going to love my new Sesame Street video with Los Lobos singing a variation on one of their classic songs, "Elmo and The Lavender Moon" (she loves Elmo and me. I love her and anything she loves).
Is it okay for a grandfather who is in love to get sappy here?
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2
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pour down like silver
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Feb 12, 2012 3:56 pm
1069 Views
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The best songs communicate as much with the music and the performance as with the lyrics. The lyrics re-inforce what the music already says. The intensity of it all can surpass the physical.
Great music has a capacity to draw a person in. Richard Thompson wrote the classic song "Night Comes In" almost thirty years ago. Henry Kaiser gathered five great musicians to record it for a tribute album called "The World Is A Wonderful Place." It is some of the most gorgeous music I have ever heard, brilliant musicians playing stringed instruments from around the world, like the best sex in its eroticism.
Imagine notes sharply picked on a Vietnamese guitar, exotic and attention grabbing like fingernails running jaggedly across your belly. A lush slow baritone guitar enters like a strong gentle hand reaching up to your face and neck, embracing you softly. The notes roll through your chest and soothe your body. A dulcimer signals something more urgent, a mouth exploring your body. Two voices enter, a man slowly singing in a plaintive voice and a wild woman matching his words two registers higher, like the sounds of long deep kissing, two people exploring each other. "Night comes in, like some cool river..."
Two more acoustic guitars join in and play together the way two lovers would meet and stroke each other, fingers fluttering across skin, lips exploring each other. Pivot, now, as a piercing distorted guitar slices though the soft backdrop of the dextrous acoustic picking in the background. First it is slow and the volume even but it is undeniably urgent. You must focus on it, as its intensity pulls you in. This is the music of penetration, slow but deep. It is passion at a low volume but high intensity, electricity breaking bounds. Notes break and shatter, it spasms out of control. It sounds and feels unplanned. You know that feel in your own body when your partner has taken control and you are at their mercy.
When you think the electric guitar has explored every note possible, scattered showers of sparks across the room, mined every beautiful chord and hit nasty dissonant places, all of the guitars resolve in one long graceful chord, an orgasm of music better than the end of "A Day In The Life".
This is one of the songs of my life. I could listen to it over and over.
Night Comes In Night comes in Like some cool river How can there be Be another day Take my hand O real companion And we'll dance We'll dance 'till we fade away
O the songs Pour down like silver They can only Only break my heart Drink the wine The wine of lovers Lovers tired of being apart
Dancing 'till my feet don't touch the ground I lose my mind and dance forever Lose my mind and dance forever Turn my world around Turn my world around
O this night Is like no other And this room Is ringing in my ears And these friends Will never leave me And these tears Are like no other tears
Dancing 'till my feet don't touch the ground I lose my mind and dance forever Lose my mind and dance forever Turn my world around Turn my world around
Well I may find That street tomorrow Leave the shadow Of my lonely room See my one My one and only Heart and soul I'm coming soon
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4
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you can't measure it
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Feb 11, 2012 8:11 pm
1020 Views
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The panicked alarms of weather forecasters calling for six inches of snow today proved false as is so often true. Yesterday everyone was buzzing about the possibility of a big storm, nervous but excited. By the end of the day we had nothing worth talking about.
Last year by this date over 80 inches of snow had fallen, a record large amount. We are on course this year to hit a record short, as only eight inches of snow have fallen so far. The contrast between the big snows of last year and the short stuff this year is causing anxiety around here. People were afraid of the possibility of getting six inches, but excited too, hoping it would come.
When was the last time you were excited about six inches you were promised but it just did not measure up?
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4
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do I sound like a girl?
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Feb 8, 2012 8:51 am
969 Views
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In the thirty years since college days I have eaten robustly, sometimes in amounts that shock people who are polite and not gained any weight. Inexplicably I gained eight pounds over the late winter and early spring of last year. It took five months to drop that extra weight last summer and fall.
Then something happened to my body and I lost much of my appetite and with it another ten pounds I did not want to lose over the next four months.
The good news: the little sag I was starting to develop on my belly is gone. The bad news: I used to have a nice butt and it has shrunk just before I head for a Mexican beach. I used to like the compliments I got when I strolled the beach in my tight bathing suit.
I had a mild case of food poisoning over last weekend (take out Chinese from a place I have not used in the past) but once I recovered my appetite returned. I have been eating with gusto since and my weight is slowly climbing.
Any advice on how to make sure it goes to my butt and not to my belly?
Do I sound like a girl?
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3
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me
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Feb 5, 2012 12:29 am
988 Views
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For the last forty years, I addressed my parents by their first names, not the traditional "mom" and "dad" equivalents. We were not just family but friends, best friends. I am lucky on that count. It continues with my sibs.
I cook and I garden not because my parents told me, but because they gave me the opportunity. Likewise, they never obliged me to help others, but I learned it through observation and participation.
On the other hand, my sexuality rages in my head and body, something I never saw in my family. I do not know how to express in words the contrast, but I do lust, deeply, even though I do not act on it.
Once upon a time I was the most social of beings, six thousand people on my cell phone. Now there are fewer than 100. I like that.
I used to have two meetings every night and three or four every weekend. I now leave my house every other day. I would prefer something halfway between the two.
When I was young I was flamboyant in behavior and appearance with long hair, boots, denim and leather. Then I went legit and did things like removing the diamond earring a girlfriend gave me thirty years ago. I have dozens of suits and three tuxedos in my closets. Yup, three tuxedos: a standard, a shawl collar and a double breasted I had hand tailored for me in Bangkok. I now like being able to wear my leather pants and my great collection of hats without worrying about my reputation. OTOH, I look okay in a tux but do not have enough opportunities to wear one. The earring is back, always the diamond. Call it partial liberation.
I did not care about people who thought I was gay back in the old days. I still don't care. If somebody is questioning my sexuality, it is probably because they are questioning their own.
Most definitely I did not want children because I was a workaholic and a raging feminist who thought the two were incompatible - I could never ask the mother of my children to stay home while I raised hell in the professional world. Now, with two step-daughters, I am madly and passionately in love with my three year old grand-daughter.
I try not to wonder what I missed.
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4
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venting v. caring
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Feb 3, 2012 8:49 pm
947 Views
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For the past 48 hours I have been venting here and on my other blogs about the Komen Foundation de-funding Planned Parenthood's breast cancer services. Mid-day today I remembered that my next door neighbor returned from the hospital yesterday after a second round of surgery for breast cancer. Why had I not offered ToBeOfUse? I called and left a message asking about her condition and if I could do anything to help.
She is her late 60s, her husband in his late 70s. They have money, lots, definitely in the 1% but they don't live an extravagant life. They act like most aging suburban couples, no glitz attached.
He can be both both cranky and a very giving man. She is preternaturally sweet. They love everyone, especially kids. When they remodeled their house they put a bathroom in their hall near a special door which is always unlocked so that the neighborhood kids can slip in rather than have to run home to go to the bathroom. They like people.
He has given me at least twenty thousand dollars for various charities we both like, two hundred thousand dollars worth of his property for environmental conservation and on occasion his primo season tickets to the Red Sox at Fenway. They are really nice to me.
In return, I am nice to them, help them with tiny chores, advise their gardener, and go to political battle on their behalf. Other than the Red Sox tickets I don't get any material benefit from our relationship but they are my neighbors and my friends. I will do anything for them.
Four hours after my call I received a return call from him. Thanks for the offer of help he said. She is doing really well. Can you cook dinner for us and our best friend and bring it over tomorrow night, he asked. He said he had plenty of wine for all four of us, all very casually. Of course, or course I will cook. That is what friends do.
We need government to do for us the things we cannot do for ourselves. We need non-profit organizations for the same reason, with fewer constraints than current political fads impose on government. We most need friends and family who will do anything they are asked, no questions.
Tomorrow I will cook a seafood risotto with lobster stock and shrimp. A side dish of fennel and onions wilted under a little heat. Bread. A coffee ricotta pie with candied clementines for dessert. I want ToBeOfUse. Tomorrow I will. This is where I find meaning in life.
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To link to this blog (ToBeofUse) use [blog ToBeofUse] in your messages.
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