Losing my marbles?  

TheQuietGuy2005 54M
3484 posts
8/21/2005 1:08 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Losing my marbles?

Today my Dad arrives for a few days' stay.

I can't pretend I'm overjoyed, unfortunately. We've never been a close family and it's always hard work when we're together.

It's not that he's demanding, just the opposite in fact: he'll quite contentedly sit in the corner with a book or watching the television. He'll make no demands and request nothing and if I don't want to cook his usual "traditional English" food (dull, dull, dull) he'll happily eat toast. He won't even require conversation - Mum and he spent most of their married life sitting in silence as far as I can tell.

But that's harder: I feel the need to be a good host and it's hard to do that when you're dealing with someone who will just sit there and will accept whatever is given to him. I just wish he would, once, express a preference or say what he'd like to do.

And it's going to severely hinder me too. The layout of the flat means no AdultFriendFinder for one thing while I'm at home. No more yakking in the chatrooms, no nattering in MSN ... I'm going to miss it (some of it much more than others, admittedly ).

Part of me wants to just tell him what I'm up to. There's no reason why I should be ashamed, right? But I just can't - he wouldn't understand. I know from prior experience that he'd misunderstand and would be seriously concerned that I was losing my marbles. He worries about me enough already and I really don't want to add to that.

But it makes me wonder: how open are people about their AdultFriendFinder activities? I've been on the verge of telling a number of people but the moment has passed, the conversation has moved on to a different topic and I've held back. There is one (male) friend I 'fessed up to and his reaction was, first, surprise and then, second, definite interest. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he appeared in the chat rooms one day! More bloody competition ...

But, generally, I compartmentalise my activities: Jeff in here is much the same as Jeff out there (if, possibly, a little less shy and reserved) but the two worlds don't overlap much. I'll talk about my online friends and acquaintances but I don't mention the way that the friendships started.

And it seems odd to me in one sense that I should bother to keep the two worlds separated. Do I really care that much if people think it's weird? Would they think it's weird anyway?

What about you? How well is your life integrated? How open are you about your AdultFriendFinder membership?

I am, as always, curious about this but I shall round up now and get ready for my visitor. Let me leave you with Philip Larkin's wonderfully cynical and generally accurate comments on parents:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Jx aka Mr Silly

freetime648 52F

8/21/2005 6:56 am

Quiet, do you think he will be ashamed of you? I would hope not. You are an individual and one thing my mom has always told me is that is what has made her the proudest of me. Do you tell him what you do? No....do you go ahead and chat in the chat rooms while he is there? Yes....if he asks about it, then tell him, but be a little discreet in your chouce of words. He doesn't have to know everything! Be yourself and it will all be ok. By the way, my family does not know I am on here. They do know that I "cat" in a chat room though! See what I mean????

xx FREETIME648 xx

rm_urdreamonly 48F
19 posts
8/21/2005 11:00 am

oh omg u chat in sexy site !!!

slightly_sexy8 38F
314 posts
8/21/2005 1:36 pm

if you haven't been close to date, when is going to be the best time to start?

AlbertPrince 57M

8/22/2005 6:01 am

Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later... that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life. ~Tom Wolfe, The Bonfire of the Vanities

AlbertPrince 57M

8/22/2005 6:02 am

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. - Homer Simpson

TheQuietGuy2005 54M
2386 posts
8/22/2005 8:04 am

Free ... Oh, that is very much the attitude I take generally: most of my friends and colleagues are aware I chat to friends online, friends who live away from me in the UK or even overseas. Most people regard that as perfectly normal nowadays. However, my father would view it, instead, as something to be very worried about indeed: there is a family story that I won't bore you with right now but that, with some justification I guess, links online relationships - of any kind - with disaster. He worries about me enough as it is; I can't - won't - be responsible for adding more of a load to his shoulders.

Slightly, ma'am ... It's a good point you make and I guess that's why I do my very best to make him feel welcome. Indeed, so far (one day and one night) it has been a lot easier than I remember; I suspect that I am finally getting used to his idiosyncracies and he to mine. It's only taken 43 years However, I really don't expect us ever to be truly close - it's just never been that kind of family. None of my three siblings feel that they have a close relationship with Dad (or did have with Mum either) or, indeed with the rest of us. Sad, perhaps, but true ...

Al ... The Wolfe quotation is apt. My original version of the post - cut down, believe it or not! - mentioned that I realised that he had done his very best to be a good father by what he understood that term to mean. I realised it once I had a child myself and started to understand just what that means. I also know that no matter how hard I try, I'm making mistakes and will never be the perfect father. Actually, the rest of the Larkin poem makes much the same point

Phew! What a long (and dull?) response!


slightly_sexy8 38F
314 posts
8/22/2005 1:04 pm

are you kidding? so far one of the best threads i've read on this site.

isn't all that accepting what is there a generational thing? the war, rationing, and all that stuff? do you ever talk to him about it?

none of us are ever going to be the perfect children. but i remember once hearing it said that as far as being a parent, the first 40 years are the hardest. give your dad some credit for getting you this far.

rm_dizzyandfun 48F
752 posts
8/23/2005 9:54 am

Wow. guess we ve all got an opinion on this subject!! Where is it written that just because youre family, you have to be close? And I ve never understood how, once you leave the family nest, usually because youre getting married, youre supposed to know everything. Jesus..you go to pre-school, junior school- grammar school- then college and onto Uni to prepare you for life. But youre supposed to know alllllllll about being a wife/mother..husband/father without probably any training at all...only what your mum and dad pass on to you. Not everyone (just because of their gender) makes even a viable marriage partner or a viable parent. Its only this generation maybe that parents actually discuss (shock horror) SEX using modern words and without the embarrasment that our parents suffered trying to tell us !! And I STILL cant cook LOL.....the rest I found out by myself......

diz xx

helga_hansen 49F  
1987 posts
8/24/2005 8:31 am

My father would throw his hands up in horror if he knew what his little girl was getting up to. My mother sort of knows, and has no opinion on the subject. She believes that it's my life, and I must live it my way... not the way other people think I should... including my father. Did I ever mention my parents are divorced?


Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥

SensuousWoman3 55F
3106 posts
8/24/2005 6:21 pm

QuietGuy ‒ I think this has been a very poignant thread. It hits fairly close to home. Yes, it can be sad but it is the way it is. I was amused at how quiet your Dad is---my Grandfather lived with us most of my life–he was quiet yet easy to be around. But if the rest of us weren’t home for lunch or dinner–he’d have toast and sugar or maybe toast and gravy. It is hard to have the silence of another in the room–it’s as though it speaks volumes. I do not need to be entertained ‒ but when hosting in a situation such as yours–sometimes there is an urge to fill in for the screaming silence. It can be unnerving.

And I like you keep my life compartmentalized except from a very select few–SINGLE friends. This particular site I’ve only shared with a very good friend–after she mentioned it–but I could have told her. I’ve never married and do not have children. I do have some a few single friends & lots of divorced single friends–but they are locked in to their same old comfy routines. I get bored. My married friends w/kids–they haven’t dated in so many years–they would know where to start. So, I am vague with others. They don’t tell me what goes in their bedroom–why should I tell them that there’s not a darn thing going on in mine! They always say they live vicariously through me–so why let them down? LOL!

sexymermaid6956 63F
26393 posts
8/25/2005 9:57 am

our parents are human after all.After my mom passed.i visited my dad and found a hand written add that he wrote...looking for companion..and omg for sex as well..I chuckeled to my self although i did not adress it after all he was my dad and 75 and mom had been gone for 6 years...I just said to my self (good for you dad) but it was private and i respected that..lol It is wonderful to be alive and enjoy your sense no matter what age...You think?!.


Seduce my mind and my body

TheQuietGuy2005 54M
2386 posts
8/25/2005 11:35 pm

Dizzy ... You're right, of course: no one teaches us how to be good partners or good parents. Mind you, it would help if anyone seemed to know the answers! It's taken me 43 years (and two divorces!) to get some idea of how to make relationships work and I'm still convinced I could easily screw up again We all just muddle through the best we can - as I said, I know my parents did the best they knew how to.

Helga ... Would it surprise you to hear that I prefer your mother's attitude? Mind you, dads and their daughters ... there's always a protective streak! Remind me to tell you about my step-daughter some day

Sensuous ... I like that point! I'm not sure, though, that my friends are living vicariously through me; they all seem to be quite busy enough themselves!

Mermaid ... That must've been a weird experience, no? I always find it hard to think of my parents ever having had sex (I'm convinced my three siblings and I were adopted ) and to have the drives at that age ... wonderful ... but frustrating perhaps!

sexymermaid6956 63F
26393 posts
8/26/2005 11:19 am

lol..no i do not believe frustrating atall...you see i believe the same understanding and respect we give to our friends should never be lost for family..after all we are all human..child parent is only borrowed time..we shape and love our little creatures to be there own people..there for restpect is emminent..You think?


Seduce my mind and my body

SensuousWoman3 55F
3106 posts
8/28/2005 12:05 pm

Well ‒ about the parent’s having sex gig ‒ I could almost swear my Mother agreed to do it 6 times after a half pint of gin and while biting a bullet! The first time I heard the word divorce was when she discovered she was pregnant with the brother after me.

Years later she used to say, “Well! If there had been birth control in MY day, I never would have had kids!’ (No……………….what you’re really trying to say is you never wanted to have sex at all!) She continued: “But we had to play ‘Vatican Roulette!’” Right, Ma! And who are you kidding? We can all surmise you only spun the wheel 6 times! LOL!

I was 38 when she died and I am sure she had it in her mind I was pure as the driven snow ‒ little did she know I’d drifted years ago. But I always wanted to say to her ‒ “Ma, there are A LOT of women who LIKE sex! Yes, Ma! Like it, love it, crave it, beg for it–they (we) get HORNY, Ma, can you get a load of that one?” Lordy, lordy!

sweetthang2877 39F
534 posts
8/31/2005 11:57 pm

As the youngest child of my family, I can tell you there is sex after children...ugh...caught my parents in the act when I was 9...ugh!! After they're divorce I went thru having to hear about new sexual endeavors from the both of them!! You get used to talking about sex with your parents after a while though.
My dad passed this last year and while mom is still around, let me just say this...don't let the chance pass you by to hug your father. Tell him you love him. Bridge the distance between you and your siblings as well...one day you will regret it if you don't!!
My father and I were very close, but it wasn't always that way...
In my teenage years we had an understanding...if I didn't get caught I didn't get grounded...no wait..ah yes, if I didn't talk he wouldn't yell! Sorry, got a bit lost...
Anyway, just make sure your family knows how you feel about them...


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