Inevitability?  

TheQuietGuy2005 54M
3484 posts
8/12/2006 10:36 am

Last Read:
8/18/2006 2:46 pm

Inevitability?

4 days ago WackyEPP wrote a very moving piece for her blog, [post 460546]. Ultimately it was a very positive piece, very optimistic … but to get to that point, she had to divulge a painful tale, truly tragic in an age where the term is used way too loosely.

One sentence at the end caught my eye even though it really wasn't the most shocking or upsetting or even the most uplifting. Wacky said, "We separated and divorced amicably last year but sadly we do not remain friends and that saddens me".

It's over 4 years since my ex and I separated and, apart from at the very start, we'd managed to keep it all reasonably amicable for which I was exceptionally pleased: apart from the fact that I liked being able to remain friends with someone who had been such an important part of my life, we have a son and it's much, much easier to provide proper parenting and as stable a background as possible when the parents are cooperating rather than fighting.

Unfortunately, for a couple of reasons, it's all started to unravel over the last few weeks. I’m not going to go into details or start assigning blame (things are rarely that black and white, are they?) but yesterday things hit a new low. Today they got worse still. It may not be the case, but it feels as if my son is being used to blackmail me ... whatever the reason, it's going to be much, much harder to spend time with my son in the future.

It's also going to make it a lot harder to work in the same place as my ex as I have been doing (she's already suggested that, as the last one in, I should be the first one to leave) but compared with the effect it has on my relationship with my son that's a mere bagatelle.

It could be worse - much worse. Ever since Son of Quiet was born, we have been close and since his Mum and I separated, we've spent a lot of time together. I've always been there for him despite the physical separation and we've developed a strong bond over the hours, days and weeks of Boy Time that we've shared. I spent today with him and, even if it wasn't what we expected (and, please, take my advice and don't rush out to watch Nacho Libre!), it was still enjoyable. And we've made plans for dealing as best we can with this brave new world.

And, because of the bond that's already established, we can dream together of the day that I move out of The Pink Palace and back into a place where he can stay to his heart's content.

Like I said, I’m a lucky lad.

So, a word of advice to anyone who is or who may become the absent parent in a relationship: build that bond with your child or children while you can ‒ you never know when things may change and you need to rely upon it.

Jx

Once again, the list of moods doesn't really match mine: the appropriate one right now is dealing with it ... which is, of course, much better than not dealing with it


HotDev1l 44M
1265 posts
8/12/2006 11:17 am

Q.....for once you'll get a serious post from me.

I completely feel for you. I know and understand all the issues you are having to deal with. I'm fortunate that I'm not in a position where things have become acrimonious yet but who knows.

The thing is that relationships (be they parent/child or lover) are investments. You get back what you put in. This I think people forget because they become selfish. The kids become the rope in a tug of war game and it's crap. At the end of the day your kids owe you nothing. You brought them into this world for your own selfish reasons. You owe them the best opportunities that you can provide.

I, like you, live for my kids. Without them I think I'd be less sane than I am now (if that's possible). They are a part of my very existence. Not just my legacy when I shuffle off this mortal coil but also very unique individuals that I firmly believe will bring great joy and energy to the lives of those they touch.

I really hope things settle down a bit for you and that the predicament you're in gets resolved satisfactorily, not just for you and your ex, but also for Mini Q (son of Q)

I can only say, if you need to talk I'll listen.


TheQuietGuy2005 replies on 8/14/2006 1:15 pm:
I can only agree with you, sir. Thanks for the supportive words.

For what it's worth, things have settled down since I wrote this ... but I don't kid myself that it's permanent.

rm_WackyEPP 52F
8470 posts
8/12/2006 11:31 am

I'm so sorry Sweetheart. I hope you can resolve your differences soon, so that you may spend time with Son of Q.

At least you want to spend time with him, unfortunately thats why my X and I have fallen out, he doesn't seem that interested in his Son anymore. Wish he was more like you.

{{{Hugs}}}

J


Wacky Jacky


TheQuietGuy2005 replies on 8/14/2006 1:16 pm:
I can't understand why he doesn't want to. I'm sure it makes sense to him but it's beyond me. I guess we've already had this conversation though.

hotandhorny107 58F

8/12/2006 9:39 pm

The former Mrs. Q should be happy that you want to spend time with Master Q. My breakup of my first marriage was less than pleasant, actually the whole thing turned out to be less than pleasant, but that is another story. However I should have seen from the way he treated( read ignored) child from his previous marriage that he would pretty much separate himself from our child as well, which he did. I ended up raising a fine young man without him thank goodness, despite it all.

I will say a little prayer tonight hoping that everything works out well for you my friend.


TheQuietGuy2005 replies on 8/14/2006 1:18 pm:
Oh, the former Mrs Q is quite happy for me to spend time with him ... in fact, to do her justice, she's keen that I do (for all sorts of reasons, some more honourable than others!). It's just that decisions she's taking - again reasonable enough in many senses - have this awkward side-effect.

Thanks for the prayer ...

cassandrabear 48M/34F

8/13/2006 1:21 am

Speaking as a child involved in the tug of war between parents, itis important that you both sho how much the child in needed.

My Dad always the peace maker backed down at every turn and thus sadly I rarely got to spend any time with him and he became like a stranger to me.

Things only started to improve once I left home(That's another story) as I can see him more often, however I still feel nervous as I do not know him and feel as if I am doing all the running.

I am glad you have such a bond with your son.

Thinking of you.

Cassie xx


TheQuietGuy2005 replies on 8/14/2006 1:20 pm:
Well, so far that's certainly been the case. I don't for one moment think he feels uncared for by either of us, which is something I am immensely grateful for. And, as I said too, I can't be more grateful that we've already built our bond.

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

EE407 41F
3903 posts
8/13/2006 5:30 am

QQ,.. I'm sorry to hear that things are going to get more difficult for you and SOQ.
As a divorced child I can tell you that I'm thankful and happy for the bond I share with my father and that that is more important to me than the break-up of my parents!

If you need an ear, I'm here for you

Hugs E.


TheQuietGuy2005 replies on 8/14/2006 1:22 pm:
Thanks EEEE ... I fervently hope not to have to bore your ear with this

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