Are you sitting comfortably?  

TheQuietGuy2005 54M
3484 posts
8/24/2005 4:41 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Are you sitting comfortably?

My Dad went home this morning and although I will freely admit that I am looking forward to having my space back again I would also admit that his stay went much better than I had feared - and much more easily than previous visits have.

As I said elsewhere, perhaps we're finally getting used to each other and learning how to adapt to each other.

We even had the sort of conversation last night that is usually described as Deep and Meaningful. This is not the kind of conversation my Dad usually indulges in so I was rather surprised but he raised the subject so ...

The subject was divorce. He stunned me into silence by saying that if it had been as easy when he was young to get a divorce as it is now, Mum and he would have divorced long before I was born. Somehow, that makes me feel grateful that it wasn't as easy then!

He went on to say that I shouldn't misunderstand, that they worked their differences out and managed to find a way they could be "comfortable" together, a real partnership. And, indeed, I know he still misses Mum terribly.

But it made me wonder (I spend far too long analysing things) whether our high rate of failed marriages is because people find it easier to get divorced than to learn how to adapt to another person, than to reach the sort of accomodation that my parents eventually reached. Certainly, the marriages I know of that have survived 10, 20, 30 years and would now be classed as "happy" have not always been idyllic - but the couples have taken a decision to sort out a way to make the marriage meet the needs of both partners and thereby to enable the marriage to survive.

But, then, my parents only managed "comfortable" ... is that all we should be aiming for? Maybe the Buddhists are right (again) in reminding us that everything comes to an end, one way or another, and that we suffer only because we try to hold onto things that our no longer there. Maybe we'd be better off just accepting that relationships end eventually, whether by a partner's death or by earlier disenchantment, and learning to let go, celebrating the good things they brought to us rather than mourning the loss?

Easier said than done, though ...

Jx


AlbertPrince 57M

8/24/2005 6:30 am

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
It's also an expensive way to get your laundry done for free!


helga_hansen 49F  
1987 posts
8/24/2005 8:26 am

Q... it's about making it work... but sometimes the solutions are not to everyone's taste. I think people opt out too quickly... but then again, I do know of many people who do try to make it work, and it doesn't. I guess no two marriages are alike... because of the two people who make that couple. I am my husband's second wife... and our marriage has lasted twice as long as his first... but not without many ups and downs along the way!!

Hx

Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥


1polishedjem 54F

8/24/2005 8:52 am

My husband and I recently celebrated our 23rd anniversary. Celebrated. Really!! First time in a while though. Well, last year it was nice too, the fire was slowly being built, but THIS year it was sweltering! LOL

There was a point in my life I didn't want to be married anymore. I was 19 when I got married, still a kid... my husband was 25. He was still a kid too, (I realize now, lol) but he had already done a lot of things and grown up a lot. I had not.

It was really difficult, when I did start growing and changing. We grew apart. It was our beliefs that kept us married at that time. We were both pretty miserable. And there was our daughter. And later our son. I am not even sure why I wanted to get pregnant that second time?! I was out of my mind...lol.

But the point of this is, we worked through it. I also went on a wild spree, and sowed (sewed?) my wild oats, even though I was married! Luckily, (I still can't fathom...but I am thankful) my husband loved me enough to realize he was partly to blame, and forgave me of what I had done.

I guess what I am trying to give an example of is this: Marriages can go through hell, literally, and still survive. It depends on the people, if they are willing to tough it out, or if they bend over and give up at the first sign of struggle.

You say your dad said they were "comfortable." Comfort is very good. And it also could be something different to him, than it is to you. Just something more to ponder! (I tend to over-analyze too! )

jemma


TheQuietGuy2005 54M
2386 posts
8/26/2005 6:23 am

Helga ... I think you're right. Many relationships can adapt to changes in the needs and personalities of the partners involved; for others, the necessary adaptations are simply not possible.

Jem ... Glad to hear you made it through and I hope you're thoroughly happy with the way your marriage is working now As for "comfortable", I take you point ... I don't suppose I'll ever really know what that meant for them.


rm_EE407 41F
3903 posts
8/29/2005 1:37 am

<<< Is gonna go for Budha's take on things...
Things do just END...


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