How Do You Find The Inner Hedonist In Someone "Normal"?  

TheHungriestWolf 37M
61 posts
8/31/2006 10:16 am

Last Read:
9/4/2006 8:44 pm

How Do You Find The Inner Hedonist In Someone "Normal"?

I have been enjoying my time here on AdultFriendFinder. I have met one wonderful woman here who I maintain a regular friendship with and are beginning to experiment together. It is a great thing and she appreciates my ambitions to develop several open relationships and a polyamorous lifestyle.

But what about finding people outside of AdultFriendFinder. I don't have problems approaching or dating or even bedding the "normal" population of women. But, I do seem to have problems when approaching women about my hedonistic desires.

Here on AdultFriendFinder it is all out in the open. In the regular dating world, it is most certainly not. In fact, it is most certainly an avoided topic for fear of "creeping out" someone. I know this because I have succeeded in creeping out a few women with my grandiose ideas of somewhat "free" love.

But, we all appear to be normal, upstanding citizens. If you walked up to me at a bar, you wouldn't assume I was a swinging rebel to the social/sexual norms. But I am, and so are many people whether they realize it or not.

So how do you get inside of them? How do you elicit conversation and confessions? How do you lead someone to their own conclusion that this is an acceptable lifestyle, even if they have never really thought much about the possibility? How do you show someone their fantasy can be a healthy reality?

This is my mission in life and I need the wisdom of my AdultFriendFinder peers to accomplish it.

With love,

Wolf


firestarter665 42M/39F

8/31/2006 10:29 am

I looked up hedonism, but I am still lost on what it is.


EvilEvilKitten1 62F

8/31/2006 11:44 am

Hedonism (Greek: hēdonē "pleasure" + ‒ism) describes any way of thinking that gives pleasure, esp. sexual pleasure, a central role.

After you have established a relationship, but early on in that relationship, you take the dreaded step of talking with her about polayamory and how she feels about the subject. Keep the focus centered upon her and her desires. No details yet. Be serious but do not make her feel 'cornered'.

Best I can do. I was just asked but we had been friends with benefits for a while by that time and had had serious discussions before. So it was easy for me. He may have been concerned.

N


TheHungriestWolf 37M

8/31/2006 12:13 pm

    Quoting firestarter665:
    I looked up hedonism, but I am still lost on what it is.
I use the term "hedonist" rather than "swinger" because I think it is a more holistic term to describe my outlook on sexual relationships and life in general. I am a lover of pleasure in all of its manifestations: food, wine, sex, massage, excercise, nature, etc.

To me it is all the same. Life is one big opportunity for pleasure! So to relegate my experiences and sexual identity to the title "swinger" I believe is misrepresenting and limiting my expression.


TheHungriestWolf 37M

8/31/2006 12:23 pm

    Quoting EvilEvilKitten1:
    Hedonism (Greek: hēdonē "pleasure" + ‒ism) describes any way of thinking that gives pleasure, esp. sexual pleasure, a central role.

    After you have established a relationship, but early on in that relationship, you take the dreaded step of talking with her about polayamory and how she feels about the subject. Keep the focus centered upon her and her desires. No details yet. Be serious but do not make her feel 'cornered'.

    Best I can do. I was just asked but we had been friends with benefits for a while by that time and had had serious discussions before. So it was easy for me. He may have been concerned.
Excellent point "keep the focus centered upon her and her desires". It is very true, and not in an insincere, sales person type of way. But because this is totally about her realizing the potential to satisfy her raging rivers of self-satisfaction.


firestarter665 42M/39F

8/31/2006 4:28 pm

Then I would agree with jerseygem on this one. Take it slow. When you find the right moment with that someone special, you'll know that's when it is time to bring it up.

Believe me I know. I was 3 years into my marriage with Mr. Fire before I told him that I am a bi-sexual woman. Thank goodness he is okay with it.


deliciousngood 64F
1666 posts
8/31/2006 5:12 pm

That has always been my dilemma as well.....most people are not open to exploring in those realms.


TheHungriestWolf 37M

8/31/2006 7:49 pm

    Quoting firestarter665:
    Then I would agree with jerseygem on this one. Take it slow. When you find the right moment with that someone special, you'll know that's when it is time to bring it up.

    Believe me I know. I was 3 years into my marriage with Mr. Fire before I told him that I am a bi-sexual woman. Thank goodness he is okay with it.
I have met men who have been angry and afraid when they found out their girlfriends were bisexual. I felt like smacking the taste out of their mouths. God put one of the most amazing gifts right in their lap and they bit the hand that fed them. Teh funny thing is it always seems my most conservative friends end up in situations where there are possible threesomes and then a perfectly good threesome goes to waste! Where is the justice?!

But back to the point...

The problem is that time is precious, each breath is precious, each moment is something you cannot get back and one closer to the next life. So in this life, how do I allow myself to spend long periods of time building something with someone unsure of whether she will understand and love the life I love? Of course, that is a rather immature question. But the point of it is that that question plagues my thinking and ultimately hastens my confrontation of these issues.

Perhaps I am too clouded by ideals, but I believe i have moved past my idealistic stage when it comes to this lifestyle and now it is just who I am. I mean tonight, a girlfriend of mine, who I met here, said she wanted to know if it was ok to cancel our plans because this other guy who she likes and dates, his father is sick and he needs comfort. No problem. I actually got joy out of cancelling our plans and letting her follow her heart.

So, I am past teh idealistic stage where you can't walk your talk. Now I am what I am and I find it so incredibly difficult to avoid showing who I am to others very early on in the relationship.

I argue that that is good. But, again, if it is too soon, or too abrupt, I may alienate someone who if they were treated with more care could blossom into the sexual being they never thought possible.

Oh, life...


EvilEvilKitten1 62F

8/31/2006 11:20 pm

The idea being that this is a great way to become your 'best self' - through the unlimited expression of love, caring, and compassion for others.

N


deliciousngood 64F
1666 posts
9/1/2006 5:41 am

    Quoting EvilEvilKitten1:
    The idea being that this is a great way to become your 'best self' - through the unlimited expression of love, caring, and compassion for others.
That is a VERY good way to put it!!!


EvilEvilKitten1 62F

9/1/2006 6:41 am

Thank you!

ALSO let me remind you that while this tidbit should never be spoken aloud, you should carry it with you Wolfie: to wit

if she wants to be with you - that is the price.

Yes you behave as a gentleman always but you do not 'roll over' and play the leash puppy in this.

N


TheHungriestWolf 37M

9/1/2006 7:33 am

    Quoting EvilEvilKitten1:
    Thank you!

    ALSO let me remind you that while this tidbit should never be spoken aloud, you should carry it with you Wolfie: to wit

    if she wants to be with you - that is the price.

    Yes you behave as a gentleman always but you do not 'roll over' and play the leash puppy in this.
All of my prevaricating around the bush and the answer was that simple. It is true, I am not asking anyone to do anything ridiculous, odd or insane. It is just part and parcel of who I am. Take it or leave it!

I always remind myself as I watch the women walk away that they weren't meant to be. But after a while, you can't help wondering who is out there...


Weirdie 58M

9/1/2006 9:33 am

Hmmm... occasionally my lady and I engage in what I call "animal rescue", having found someone who *wanted* to let that animal inside them run loose for years, but never had the courage or the social support. Not blaming those people for that, I know how hard it is to feel alone.
But.... trying to convert a true 'nilla' to polyamory is like trying to convince a jew of the truth of nazism. And really, nor should you. I mean, it's about letting them make the choices they are comfortable with, just as it is for us here.

That being said, however... one thing you can do to help you find those who *want and need* 'animal rescue' is to allow yourself to be a lil more openly animal yourself. Granted, you saying "you wouldn't assume I was a swinging rebel to the social/sexual norms" doesn't necessarily mean you look like Dick Cheney. But if you give a lil more impression of *being* a rebel, you'll be more attractive to those *looking* for a rebel. It's your judgement call how much of a rebellious look is consistent with who you want to present yourself as, what works with the limitations imposed by job, etc., of course. But the less "normal, conservative nilla" you appear, the less you'll find yourself in that situation I'd imagine.


SpaceRangerNJ 55M
4687 posts
9/2/2006 9:34 am

I think you have part of the equation. You are who you are and if that is not to someone's taste then that is OK. You aren't putting up a false, more PC front in the beginning and then showing the real you later only after they have some sort of commitment and energy put into the relationship.

So you will find women who are accepting from the get go. And some that run away.

To get someone to change and do something new is a stepwise process. I like the frog in boiling water analogy.

Put a frog into a pot of boiling water and it will fight like hell to get out.

Put a frog into cool water and slowly heat it to boiling and it will stay there happily and cook.

So open up the topic slowly. If she is accepting it will move quickly. Remember for those not into the lifestyle they have some catch up to do to get to where you are mentally. They have to go through a process. Take it slow. Give them time to see themselves in a new way and to envision themselves actually changing. And then making small moves in that direction. Testing the waters. Seeing how they feel. Moving past the initial emotions that are sure to be there.
That's all I have to say about that.
SR


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