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10 Worst Cunnilingus Mistakes
10 Worst Cunnilingus Mistakes
I stumbled upon this online and had a laugh...until I realized that there are probibly some members of the male gender who actually do this and think they are gods gift to pussy eating.
Read and learn Brothers and don't make the same mistakes twice:
1. Making like a gynecologist
Sure, you're curious about what a pussy looks like up close. Go ahead and take a good look. But don't spread her labia open so wide that she feels like she's getting her annual pelvic exam at the gynecologist. Just use your fingertips to gently hold back her lips and slip your tongue in there.
2. The head shake
Don't emulate the exaggerated oral techniques in porn movies, especially that move where the guy sticks his tongue straight out and instead of licking, shakes his whole head side to side between the woman's legs till his ears slap against her thighs. It looks dumb even on camera and it doesn't work in real life.
3. Blowing air up her coochie
Do not form a seal around her vagina with your lips and blow into it. What, do you think she's a blow-up doll? Blowing lightly or breathing on and around the pussy is hot, but blowing air into the vagina is just dangerous and can lead to serious queefing (pussy farts).
4. Lapping like a dog
It's good to lick, and it's good to keep your tongue loose and relaxed. But don't get sloppy or slobbery. Use a little restraint and don't pant. If your oral technique reminds her of her pet Golden Retriever, that won't be a turn-on. At least, we hope not.
5. Clit hickeys
Hickeys are so high school, but if you wanna leave your mark, do it on her neck, arm, tit or thigh. Don't clamp your mouth around her clit and suck it so hard you give her a welt. Strong suction on the clit (sucking it like a vacuum cleaner) isn't going to feel very good to her and might hurt.
6. Drunken pussy eating
This is as bad as a drunken blowjob, and you'll really ruin the moment if you're so wasted that you toss your cookies in her crotch. Remember, keggers and cunnilingus do not mix. To do a good job eating her out, you need to be able to pay attention and coordinate your tongue action. If you don't throw up, you still might pass out, and that pretty much guarantees you won't get another date with her.
7. Singing the Alphabet Song
Some guys like to use the trick of spelling the letters of the alphabet on her clit using their tongue. Fine, just don't start singing "Now I know my ABCs" while you're doing it. If you're going to get studious while your down in her muff, try composing your term paper with your tongue. It may be the first time anybody ever got off on Kafka.
8. Jabbing and stabbing
Having someone insistently jabbing and poking their pointy tongue on your clit and into your pussy is just as creepy and uncomfortable in oral sex as it is in French kissing. It makes you come off as overeager and unskilled. Relax your tongue and take your time. Gently caress her clit and let her bring her pubes to you.
9. Orthodontia and pubes don't mix
Some of you may still be wearing braces. If so, make sure she shaves or at least trims, or you're going to end up snagged in her short curlies. It'll be extremely painful for her and gross for you when you have to pick the hairs out of your teeth. Of course, the worst is if you're cheating on your girlfriend and she spots someone else's pubes in your teeth.
10. Blowing raspberries
It's fine to make some noise while eating pussy. Moaning is OK; most women like that. Even slurping is acceptable within limits. But sticking your face up in her bush and blowing raspberries or making fart sounds is not going to go over well. Neither will burping. See our warning about keggers and cunnilingus.
7/6/2006 6:33 am
Rules every man should live by! |