Everyone has secrets (or a perfectly congruent alter ego)  

23 posts
11/1/2005 8:56 pm

Last Read:
11/17/2006 8:22 am

Everyone has secrets (or a perfectly congruent alter ego)

I want to start off by telling you that what I am about to write will be unabashedly honest in every way. This kind of honesty is not something I have possessed all my life; however, due to a handful of painfully unforgettable experiences that Mr. Destiny somehow felt I needed to endure during a few chapters in my book of life, let’s just say I am now a huge advocate of keeping the words unabashedly and honest bound in marriage forever, or at least ‘til the day I die. Hopefully the end result of using this avenue of approach will be a personal Rembrandt of sorts that, when gazed upon, becomes a comprehendible self-impression which sheds some light as to who I am, what experiences I have gone through, and what I have come to understand when it comes to the emotions, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors invoked by the opposite sex. So, as I sit here typing out my thoughts as they come to me, I cannot say I’m 100% sure whether you will take to what I am going to be saying in the manner I want you too, but deep down there’s a part of me that strongly believes that being unabashedly honest is an intriguing concept that, at some point in time, you wished certain “unique individuals” had embraced as an important part of their character. Would it be safe to say that if certain unique individuals were shown to of had a masterful grasp of this concept; a few chapters in your book of life might have been lot less stressful? Did you instead find nothing but constant disappointments and continuous let downs making you realize that yet again another of these so-called unique individuals lacks this seemingly rare trait? To take it even further, their ineptness in being honest to the unabashed degree probably led you to believe that it wasn’t worth your time to be something they could not fully reciprocate back onto you for your own piece of mind-so you started to abandon the concept as well. In the end, it probably turned into a tic-for-tac kind of relationship where totally and complete trust was forever destroyed with absolutely no chance of being restored. Now, by ‘unique individuals,’ of course, I’m talking about men, boys, young adult males that have caught your fancy, wooed you, won over your heart, or earned the right to have your flower and your world shown to them, etc. In short, I am talking about guys who, at anytime, were entrusted with a piece of your heart (no matter how big that piece was), or something of such importance to you, in hopes that they would cherish it and protect it at all costs. However, with each guy, did there come yet another disappointment when the honesty you wanted and needed turned out to be a complete stratagem projected by an alter ego who simultaneously seemed to be living a totally parallel secret existence? In some cases, did the smoke screen become so thick with deceit that when it finally dissipated, it made this same individual whom you gave a piece of your heart to suddenly become almost virtually unrecognizable? This alter ego of sorts might be better explained in the same fashion as what the id is to the ego, the devil inside. This id can take on many different pseudonyms often made up by the individuals. He may call this id his Slim Shady or his Porn Alter Ego. Either way, if I am accurate and this is in fact the type of scenario in which you have been exposed to by a few of these male individuals, then chances are this is the dark side they do not care for you to see for whatever reason. It’s a side full of deviant, promiscuous, debauchery. A world similar to sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll… a world where the halo is replaced by the horns… two devils for every one angel on the shoulder… a fantasy place where these flawed souls are suddenly blessed with the qualm suddenly making them a modern day space age pimp. Again, this is what they believe to be their persona in this warped world; a world they could never share with their only one true angel, their one perfect achievement, the only thing in their lives they got right (you)! And the individual, in most cases, will hide this altered identity at any cost until the glorious day finally come when maturity and responsibilities takes precedence in their life and there is no longer this ridiculous urge to indulge dark desire to become this impulsive, compulsive, extremist... you know what, I am sure you now know what I am talking about and I am even more sure you know that the only reason I am talking about it is because I was one of those retards that didn’t get it, didn’t understand what it meant to be a person someone could count on, a person capable of selfless love and strong moral integrity like most normal people in this world. I didn’t get it because I always thought I deserved it and once I had it then I no longer had to work to sustain it. Obviously what I have just ranted about was something I have done to girls I loved in the past, with the last and most painful one of all being as recent as the beginning of this year. The pain, humiliation, anger, sadness, hopelessness, as well as, the continuous questioning as to WHY ringing throughout my head all day and night, brought upon by me after my last significantly serious relationship forced me to look into a mirror I didn’t want to look into in order to see a person I did not want to see. I was scared to see just what I had become over time starting right after I hugged my parents and walked onto a plane bound for college. I was scared so much so, I began to despise my own face. Yet, weathering through this dreadfully painful experience (which for the first time I was forced to suffer the consequences of my actions and my behavior) changed me in the most profound of ways. It changed me at my core by systematically peeling away my many layers of flaws. Look at it like peeling an onion, when you start peeling you quickly realize there are many layers that you must peel away in order to get to that core. Looking back, I am grateful for the end result achieved by living through these painful experiences, but I regret it took me ‘til the age of thirty to final realize who I didn’t want to become. In fact it really wasn’t until my most recent painful experience never want to endure something like that ever again in my lifetime–it was so hard on me, it changed me forever and it changed me for the better.


12/7/2005 7:25 am

you made me blush--i didnt think anyone would have the patience to sit through a rhant like that... you just made my day
thank you
Heady M

rm_Melona40 49F

1/8/2006 5:33 pm

Life's lessons are never easy. I'm thinking how lucky the next girl will be!

2 posts
1/12/2006 10:05 am

its it did take a lil patience to read all that and a lil bit of eye squinting but it was well worth it..


1/13/2006 6:08 pm

I swear your profile picture is actually staring at me-that is what I feel everytime I look at it--your finger in you mouth--MY GOD tht's hot--i love it and i love your reply
thank you

happyoneforyou 53F
4 posts
1/14/2006 6:52 am

You continue to blow me away...geezz.... goose bumps.. I only wish there were more men like you that are able to express their emotions, learn from their experiences and not repeat them over and over again. As I continued to read, it captured my attention more, there was no way I could walk away and not read it completely and understand you "the person". I love it! Your expressions make you all the more attractive.. in more ways than you know! whew!

crazygurl2xx 57F

1/16/2006 7:25 am

WoW. Waiting for more.

thepkg123 52F
1 post
8/25/2006 7:37 pm

Once again very interesting Hummmmm... I think I was her in another life?! You are adorable!! wow!

TXboyLuVnSOCAL replies on 8/29/2006 4:35 pm:
thank you, you just boosted my ego...which today for, some reason, seems to be made of porcelain

socalgurlwtits 35F

9/7/2007 1:00 am

I read this without takin a pee break and ya know...I would read it again and again. I loved it because I myself have just gone thru a painful experience and I am peeling the layers away. I dont know what layer I am on, but I believe that after some time, my core will shine thru. Thank you for writing this and giving me inspiration to "peel away the layers".

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