|Blogs > TXboyLuVnSOCAL > The Chip Bunger Chronicles|
Continuation of It started out with a kiss...how did it end up like this?
Continuation of It started out with a kiss...how did it end up like this?
I know I've told you so many times before how I feel but I never realized how much you leaving me would have affected my whole world like it has. At times, I feel I am spinning out of control and other times I am simply adrift, floating out into space with no end in sight. Both were feelings once very unfamiliar to me but now they have become as common & routine to me as breathing or eating everyday. I have allowed these feelings to rule my world, my thoughts, my decisions, and my well-being more and more for close to two months now and it seems to only getting worse. Admittedly, it has been my personal writings that have slowly started to help me see through this fog I created around myself. I found that when I tried to answer the obvious question, “why did this happen to us?” and “how did we let it get to this point?” I started to see a million little pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that, when put together, revealed one undeniable conclusion; a conclusion that has only one undeniable solution. I need to let go of it all or I will be on the verge of losing something that is just as important in the long run, my dignity. I cannot imagine what you really think of me now–I believe in my heart you’re too nice to say what you really think of me at this very moment, I believe you would rather spare my feelings (there's one other topic I believe you are also sparing my feelings on that will be mentioned later on). Still, if I have fallen too far, too fast for me ever to recover in your eyes then I need to walk away and salvage what dignity I have left in me. I want you to understand why it’s so important to me how you see and what you think of me… it's very important! Your opinion, your judgment, your faith, your affection are extremely important to me after it has been all said and done. What you say, think, do, and believe are things I value more than you ever could realize... I know, it’s sad ... it’s sad to realize what my actions, my decisions, my impulsive behavior have reduced me too not only in my eyes but more importantly, your eyes. The problem is that everyone else always seems to see it sooner than you do and I know you have been seeing this gradual deterioration of me for a while now. An image that was so vibrant, so strong, so confident, so perfect (or perfect enough)... but that has now been stained, tainted, and very much reduced to this empty, weakly carbon copy of itself. Kind of like a person who was once healthy, active, and athletic, but then gets heavily involved in drugs or into something that is knowingly dangerous to all that person holds sacred. After a while, that person starts to withers away into a mere empty shell of them self... skinny, weak, gray, old, pathetic, and sad. I've become that idiot who knew what I risked losing but whose impulsive wants and very selfish needs were often times allowed to drive the ship (my rational thinking). I still wish for a message in my inbox with your name attached to it. The one that makes everything turn back to normal, the way it was, the way I wish it still were. I wish for the email that would say how much you really miss me, miss my touch, my breathe, my smell, my face, my smile, my love. It’s dumb of me to do torture myself but that’s were I am at this moment in time... an emotionally immature man who has no idea how to cope with consequences of his actions. There is something much more painful happening; however, that has badly infected the once loved and adored image you had of me. The faith you once had in me seems to be completely gone... (when I speak of faith I mean your faith in my love, my words, my responsibility, my integrity, my commitment, my strength, my discipline, my decisions, my goals, my drive, my happiness, my abilities, my confidence, and my morals to name a few). It was my immature way of coping with my emotions, coping with losing you, coping with the emptiness I was so unaccustomed to feeling.
You often said that you wanted, needed, and expected to be loved the way you believed love should feel inside and that if you felt that feeling of love then it was magical (a perfect kind of love that would be given in return to the man lucky enough to receive it). However, if that love you believed so much in was no longer being felt by you then there would come a certain point when it was no longer worth your pain, your heart-ache, your time. I remember even more vividly you saying that if and when that point came then you would ultimately give up–when that occurred you never came back; you said that reaching that point meant that you had exhausted all other options, tried every alternative, made every possible compromise or concession and still made no progress. I remember thinking I was never going to allow you to reach that point with me, I was too smart, too strong, too responsible, and too in love to let it get to that point. But I allowed it to happen--I allowed it to reach a point where you saw no other choice than to let go of a love you once believe so passionately in... A love that would end up making you suffer through more than 9 months of continuous disappointments and constant let downs, a love you gave so much too but failed to have given back to you in return--You reached a point where you lost all faith in me ever becoming the type of person you thought I could become. A person whose hands you could place your life in knowing it would be protected at any cost and never be dropped for any reason. A person who you could quit your job and move to another state away from all that is familiar, all that is family and friends, and all that is what you have come to know all your life because you know you have all you need in a man, a person, a husband, a companion, a lover, a best friend right next to you. In essence, a person that not only is trying to realize their dreams, goals, and potential in life but that is also making you realize yours (making you a better person). I left you with no other choice but to give up on me. Think about that … b/c I have every day since you left. Think about what it must be like knowing that you left someone you love so much with no other choice than to give up on you–GIVE UP, lose total faith in all you are, all you have, and all you can give. I made you give up on me–my actions, my lies, my decision, my apathy pushed you to a point where you simply gave up on me ever being someone you could count on, lean on, give love to, spend the rest of your life with. You have no more faith left in my ability to right my ship. My poor decisions, belligerent lies, and impulsive behavior have finally caught up to me. Living in the moment was more important to me than listening to the voice of reason, understanding the concept of cause and affect, or learning from the poor decisions I made and the damaging consequences they always produced. It's a problem I have had all my life but that now has brought me to my knees because it has cost me the only thing that ever matter to me, the only thing I believe in, the only thing I would die for...you. I can't get that back, not now, not ever...I still can't cope with that statement but I will try. Each day that goes by I will pray for the strength to let a little bit more of you go away from me until one day I have let go of you completely. I reluctantly accept this as our fate, a fate that is bringing tears to my eyes right now as I type. I miss you; I miss everything about you, your face, your presence, your demeanor, your charm. I miss it all because I know I will never be the same person I was before I met you...and I know you will never be the same person that loved me so passionately and so willingly.