need advice please...  

21 posts
5/9/2005 12:33 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

need advice please...

honesty is the best policy...or...don't play with my heart

this is monday, may 9th, and i had a very interesting weekend. as a bit of background, i'm on a local call-in "dateline" in an attempt to meet quality, single men... after all, a warm, nurturing, loving relationship would be nice. and on friday i got a message from a man named chris from bowling green, kentucky. he seemed a nice enough man, and as we talked on friday and saturday, we seemed to fit, personality-wise, intellectually, views of life and love, passion, treatment of our respective adult children, etc., etc. chris said he was married once, divorced in 1994 and had had a serious involvement once since then that ended miserably 8 or 9 months ago. since that time, he claimed to have been alone and is now ready to meet a decent woman, with marriage the goal. he said he had everything he'd ever wanted in his life except a decent, loving woman. he revealed that he was lonely and REALLY needed a hug, that he just needed to be touched. now, folks, THAT fact pulled at my heart, since my late fiancee always told me that he lived for my touch. our conversations were heart-revealing and from the gut. or so i thought. at one point, he even commented, "so why don't you just marry me?" now, i knew that he wasn't serious, but that comment really led me to believe he was in a position to make a relationship commitment if the chemistry were right. my comment was simply that we'd have to see whether we fell in love first.

on saturday afternoon, he said he'd call the next day. 45 minutes later, he again called, saying he missed me already. how nice it was to have a "connection" (albeit telephonic) with someone so warm and open! and when he called, i was sitting on the couch in my livingroom sobbing... you see, our conversations had been so intimate and sharing and soulful that it slammed me right into realizing how much i missed my mate, and, of course, it being mother's day weekend, i was already missing my little mama very much since she died only 3 months ago... so, needless to say, i was in a vulnerable spot emotionally, a spot of which i'm so careful not to let myself reach. i'm careful because sometimes it's very difficult to drag myself out of there and i HATE not being upbeat and positive and finger-snapping happy.

i was very honest with him about the fact that i was sitting there crying, shared with him why, and he even remarked, "you're so vulnerable right now..." again, we had a deep, sharing conversation about a number of things, and then we planned to meet for lunch on sunday before i went to work. he said he'd call later. when he didn't, i just called and left him a message that i'd enjoyed our conversations and to call when he could.

when i awoke the next morning, he'd left a message on my cell phone that said he wasn't coming to nashville that day, was sorry, couldn't make it.... long pause... and then he whispered something that i could barely hear but thought it was "i'm with someone." what?!? did i hear that right? he's WITH someone? all the things he'd said were complete and total b.s.? for what? the purpose of playing with my heart was what? the exploitation of my vulnerability was intentional?

i mean, this man had told me about the offers he'd had from the women on the dateline: one proposed screwing on a pooltable, another wanted to have sex in public so they could be seen, etc. he claimed that sort of thing was NOT was he was looking for. instead, he was looking for a decent woman who was relationship material.

you know, a bit of honesty from him--whether that's that he's with someone and emotionally distanced from them, or whether he just wanted a fuck buddy, or whether he just needed conversation--whatever situation, would have been alright. hell, i'm a reasonable woman; i don't make judgments about who people are looking for or need. i take folks at face value until i have reason not to. but learning enough to hurt me with it? how very cruel that was. you know, he didn't seem like such a cruel man. so eventually, i called his cell number. when a woman answered, i asked for him. she said he wasn't there. i thanked her and hung up. hmm.. i thought.. this could be the pooltable chick or the public sex chick... or it could be a wife he claimed not to have. so here's my dilemma:

i feel inclined to (1) send his phone number to women all over the country and have dozens of women call him for the next several weeks; or (2) i could simply call back and when the woman answers, ask her to give him the message that yes, i'll marry him and can't wait to make love with him again; or (3) i could do absolutely nothing. chalk it off as a lesson learned and become hard hearted and suspicious.

i'm not a person who hurts people intentionally; i never have. the woman has done nothing to me and i suspect (unless she's the public sex or pooltable chick) that either of the first two would cause her pain. it's not her i wish to hurt. it's him. and perhaps hurting her is simply the vehicle by which i can hurt him... make him NOT play with women's hearts again. teach him the consequences of such cruelty. after all, we all must learn to accept the consequences of our actions, right?

so... what do you think? and thanks for reading this epistle. you're quite obviously a persistent person! 'preciate ya.

Lapkin4u 42F

5/9/2005 12:50 pm

Life's a bitch and I vote for number 2. I have found myself in a similar situation recently and to make plans with you and then cancel to be with someone else is just wrong. Give em hell he deserves it. No wonder his relationships never work out if thats the way he treats people. Good Luck!

DirtyLilSecret66 55F

5/9/2005 1:17 pm

Take it from me (experience is speaking here) - revenge is a wasted emotion. It expends valuable energy that can be directed in caring for/about others in your life. Let it drop and move on. He's already sweating bullets because you spoke to this woman. Chalk it up to an experience, don't give in so easily next time and just move on. Time (as well as great folks here at AdultFriendFinder) heal many wounds.

Wishing you soothing positive energy,

missy97330 47F

5/9/2005 1:32 pm

At first I was going to say that maybe the someone he was with was simply an aquaintance. But a woman answering his phone? That is odd.

Just wait and see what happens. Keep things casual at first, don't rush into deep fellings and such until you guys know each other better and certainly meet in person. In the meantime, keep in mind you both don't know each other yet and have just met. Give him a chance but keep in mind - you still have yet to really know each other despite the phone conversations. (Trust me - been there, done that.)

kissablemeinmn 48F

5/9/2005 1:45 pm

That sucks. And I'm sorry you had a bad night. Lost my mom a few months ago too, and it really hit home this weekend.

I'd be happy to call his cell for you anytime! What a jerk. Hope his balls dry up and get crusty on him.

Best of luck to you sweetie.


DallasPhallus56 60M

5/9/2005 1:52 pm

I go with number 2 as well. You'll certainly have him explaining to her what the hell he's doing, and he deserves that. Why the hell such a guy would be on a date line is beyond me, other than that he's after some free pussy. Leading you on like that was simply wrong. If I had lied last Saturday night I could have gotten laid, but I simply couldn't.

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