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Chronically Horny.... it's a curse!
Chronically Horny.... it's a curse!
here i am, ruminating again... i received an email today that said, in part, "i gotta warn you, i'm a bit horny this week." well... hmm... my first response was "isn't that normal?" and i began to think about the last several decades of my life...
i must admit that i have never really fit in around woman my own age, at whatever age i happened to be at the time. because no matter what age i was, my horniness always seemed to far exceed that level of horniness expressed by women with whom i came into contact. i'm not insatiable... not at all. i can orgasm quite easily. i just happen to like being satisfied over and over again... and i don't mean just one or two days a year.
and i must tell you: being chronically horny really IS a curse. i know, i know, sometimes it's a delightful and wonderful thing. but--on the whole--it is actually a curse. i have talked with men whose sexual appetites drive them to distraction, and they have problems concentrating at times because of it. well, i certainly understand that. i have known men whose every thought and action seemed goal-oriented toward a sexual end. i even understand that. i try very hard to overcome it (haha! no pun intended!), but i can certainly understand.
there was one particular period of my life when my chronic horniness (i think this should be called "CHD" (chronic horniness disorder)--in fact, it should be a medical term!) was particularly distressing. let me share the story. ...
i've already outlined how my sweetheart and i---even after five years together--still made love 5 or 6 times a day. and he died suddenly. wham! one day he went to work, next day he was dead. gone. no notice, no preparation, no nothing. just gone. permanently. six weeks and one day before our caribbean wedding, he died. and that absolutely blew my world apart.
and as i grieved, not only was i sad, but my chest actually felt like my heart had exited and left nothing in its place but a gnawing pain. i couldn't understand how i could go on breathing if i had no heart to pump blood through my body... it was a physical ache, day and night... especially nights.
i began going to grief counseling. at first, when you have a sudden death, this particular counseling center puts you in individual therapy for several weeks. then, after a month, they put you into weekly group therapy and you see your individual counselor only every 3 or 4 weeks. so here i was, newly "widowed" (i consider myself "widowed" even though our wedding was 43 days away when he died)... and in a grief group with 12 or 13 other widows. some older (60's), some much younger (mid-20's) (i was 44)... and each had lost their lifemate. and i mostly listened .. and cried. i listened for several weeks... and then i saw my counselor again. she asked, "how's the group going?" i mulled over this question for a bit before blurting out my answer. but no amount of mulling could change how i felt. i said to her, "i don't fit in." her eyebrows raised, questioningly, and she said, "what do you mean, 'you don't fit in'?"
"well," i responded, "i just don't fit in. i mean, all these women have lost their mates, and i thought i could learn something from them. but i'm not."
the counselor inquired what i might have thought i could learn. "i want to know what you do with it when you find yourself in the floor, screaming 'i miss your dick, i miss your dick, i miss your dick!' None of these women has EVER even hinted at missing a physical relationship. and i can hardly think straight i miss our sex life so much! i just don't know what to do with it when i find myself screaming and beating the walls out of frustration."
the counselor looked at me for a long period of time and suggested i might try to gently (and not graphically!) ask about the subject. and i did a few weeks later. the widows looked at me as if i were blasphemous, as if i had lost my ever-lovin' mind. nobody could answer that question. it occurred to me that none of them had likely ever had a screaming, crying, passing-out, out-of-body experience orgasm. and so... i didn't bother going back to the group after that. what was the use? i simply didn't fit in.
and as i look back on it, my sex drive has always set me apart from most women. like i said, it really is a curse at times.
thanks for sticking with me this far!