Nervous Breakdown..  

SxyCrazyCool 38F
633 posts
12/7/2005 4:02 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Nervous Breakdown..

Dear Diary .. ;p

Oh my gosh, I think I'm about to have a nervous break-down. It's about my job..

At the moment I am a receptioniste at a -- too complicated to xplain in english.. I'm a receptioniste. Basically that means: picking up the phone and putting calls through. There is a more work that I have to do, but the telephone is the main thing. It isnt a very challenging job, but it's what I could get the quickest. Initially the intention was for me to help them out the busiest period for about three months.. Ten months later I'm still there. And actually it was fine by me. They told me I could stay until february and the 1st of february I'm supposed to fly to Indonesia/Melbourne for a long holiday. I was gonna go look for a serious job when I got back.
Meanwhile I browsed the net a bit for a better job, sent a letter every now and then, nothing serious, just looking cuz you never know..

But then there was the personnel's party.. and there was a fortuneteller/hand-reader.. And he laid out the cards for me.. He said lots of stuff (strikingly accurate) and then he asked me if I was looking for a new job.. So I said 'Yes, sort of.. ' .. he smiled at me.. looked back at his cards and smiled again.. Then he says: 'You are going to succeed! And you will succeed very well!'..
The next day I put my CV online and started applying with fancy letters to jobs that appealed to me.. Monsterboard!! I don't know if that site also excists outside the Netherlands, but it works very well!! The next day I already had 2 voicemails and a couple of mails from people that had seen my cv and wanted to invite me for an introduction.. Well anyways blabla about 2 weeks ago I'm in a session with my 'helper' when the phone rings.. A guy called Michael had also seen my cv online and wanted to invite me cuz he thought i'd be a great candidate for the job-opening in his company. So I went there.. and I was fantastic It was the best interview I've ever done .. and I got invited for a second interview. This time together with 3 other ladies that were also invited for the 2nd interview. I beat them and I got the job. Hurray!!
But the pay is lousy. Michael is great though. He just started his company, buttt it's a part of -- also too complicated to explain, but it's just all very risky. He's very young, never owned his own company before and he's got great plans.. I got a bit swept away by his enthusiasm, but what it comes down to is that he's very inexperienced (with great ambition though) and he pays lousy. For the rest it would be a dream job..

But then last night I get a phonecall from this lady who's also seen my CV online and she was wondering if I was interested in working for some law-firm in Amsterdam.. For 500 euro (a month!!) more than Michael offered me. Okay. It's a law-firm and I actually didnt want to work in no law-firms anymore.. but f*cking 500 euro/month!! Plus travel-xpenses; very very good secondary terms of employment (is that correct? --> benefits) pension plan etc etc..
And Michael is just offering me lots of opportunity to learn new things in an insecure future, bad payment and lots of goodlooking men in sharp suits to be my co-workers..

But I want to buy a house again. I sold mine a year ago and I'm living with my parents eversince. I'm not complaining, but eventually my goal is to be on my own again of course.. And I want a steady job.. Some place I can stay for the next couple of years.. Now, a law-firm isnt my ideal place to work.. LOL .. hahaha A Bar is!!

Oh gosh, such dilemma's.. Do I go for the cool job in the city where I don't wanna live? .. Or do I go for the money and the o.k. job in the city where I do wanna live?

And I remember when I was fifteen that I couldnt wait to be a grown-up and not having to make home-work anymore and not be insecure about everything anymore.. And now it's ten years later.. I'm happy to say that I'm still not a grown-up yet, but I do realize that things don't get any easier when you get older.. Yeah I'm less insecure about everything and sure I don't have to do any homework anymore.. But things didnt exactly get any easier over the years..
And the fact that I have to make every single f*cking decision all by myself all the time frustrates me even more.
And I'm not talkin bout should I cook pasta or rice tonight? Mhmm.. to get these blue towels? Or the white ones?.. No more in the range of.. Should I quit working and go back to school fulltime? .. Should I sell my house or keep it? Or rent it out? If I sell it, where should I live? Should I swallow my pride and go back to my parents? Or rent a tiny room for way too much money but be 'independend'?
To people who have all their shit together (all the material stuff like job, house, education, etc) it might not seem like they're such hard decisions to make.. But when ur all alone and not very experienced, naive and known to make impulse-decisions ('cuz I felt like it') it takes a lot of sleepless night to make decisions like this..

Specially this year, in which so many things have happened, and so many (inner-) changes I've gone through, I've had lots of sleepless nights.. Eventually I got to see the result and I'm really in this rollercoaster highspeed upward line/development, but sometimes it just all goes a little too fast..
I'm more of a 'lentement'/'mañana'/'tranquilo'/'plan-plan' -kind of person.. Taking it slow & sexy.. And yet, with all these inner changes I can get very very impatient and I want everything rather yesterday than tomorrow.. LOL and then when I get what I want (speed) it all gets too much and I need lots of energy to keep my head together.
When in the 'tranquilo'-state of mind I'm already quite chaotic (<== understatement), can you imagine what happens when everything around me is chaos as well?¿

Well that's the state I'm in at this moment.. I wish I could take a tiny little peek into the future.. like some 2 weeks from now.. I just need only 1 second.. to know that all will be okay..
Of course I already know that all will be okay, because in the end, everything will always be okay..

And there's this other thing. I did a few trainings a couple of years ago.. Personal development and --again too complicated. You can g00gl them -essence trainings amsterdam- if ur interested.. And there I was taught how to make a wish so it comes true..
This is actually a quite unbelievable story.
It was the year 2001. I was heart-broken and the world had just crumbled away from underneath my feet because my boyfriend had left me (and found someone new after 5 weeks!) while I thought we were gonna grow old together.. Thats when I did my Source training.. and it worked My life hasn't been the same afterwards (positive changes) anddd! they taught me how to make a wish!
At the end of the training we got this booklet with a bit short summary of a few important things in the training. In the back of the booklet there was space to make the three wishes.. They taught us that a good wish needs Quantity, Location and Time.. How much do you want? Where do you want it? And in how much time?.. I was very modest in making my wishes and after a while one of the assistants came to assist me.. He laughed at me.. then he got angry, asking me if I hadnt learned anything in the past few days.. asking me if I didnt think I was worthy for more than what I'd wished for.. etc.. So I wished for a little bit more.. and he came back and went away again and I wished for another bit more.. etc Until the whole thing was so exaggerated that it made me laugh and No Way that all that was ever gonna happen!

I got out of the training and after a few weeks of trippin on the high of the training, life went on (not as usual though) and I forgot about the wishes. The booklet was somewhere at the bottom of my closet and I didnt even remember that I had it anymore.. Until some 6 months later. My ex called me that he was gonna come pick up the last of his clothes and stuff.. So I had to sort everything out and put it in bags -- that's when I found the booklet again.. I began reading it, that was fun.. and then I saw the wishes and I froze.. In those last couple of months my life had become so hectic and busy that i'd forgotten that I'd even made those wishes.. But then I read them.. And all three had come true!! Even with the exaggeration they'd come true! I'd gotten that job, with that salary in Amsterdam.. I found a new best friend.. and I lost 25 kilo's in 6 months!! And I didnt even do it.. it had just happened, effortless.. It felt like a miracle..

And even though my wishing worked, it never occured to me to try it again. Until my bestest friend (finally almost 6yrs later) decided to do the trainings as well.. and we talked about it all the time and she told me stuff that i'd forgotten, oh so cool! And then I remembered the wishes.. And well.. the palm-reader had said.. It couldnt hurt to write down a wish now could it? .. And so I did.. And now all I got to do is wait approximately a week to find out if the wish worked.. ... Keep ur fingers crossed for me?!!?


HedonisticGuy69 46M
90 posts
12/7/2005 6:49 pm

Well my fingers are crossed
Times, I start whistfully thinking, it would be nice if life was simple and easy... then I bonk myself on the head.
If life were like that, it would be boring, likely pathetic. Without challenges, we can't grow therefore we wouldn't even move towards our potential, let alone achieve.
If, for instance, heaven was the utopian place a lot of people claim or think it to be, idyllic and peaceful, I certainly wouldn't want to be there. If I had a breakdown or something like then maybe
Whatever comes along in life, the good and the bad, the things in between, happen for one reason or another... no not evertyhing is of great significance
Sounds exciting, that you have these choices to make. After all the advice, just do what you want to do because, a choice I or another may make in your stead is not likey the right one for you.
Usually the riskier the proposition pays off more handsomely than the sure thing, yet, the sure thing provides comfort and security the other doesn't.
Best of luck, but as you said, it will work out.


calis1978 38M
65 posts
12/12/2005 12:32 am

*crosses fingers for you*

b.t.w. honey...C is resume in english

*looks cross*
And what's that about not wanting to work at a law firm anymore??
When i'm done i want a good cute secretary!!!

*gives you a tender kiss on your forehead*
I'd gof for the secure job...it may be less fun, but enthusiasm alone doen't make a company work. Lousy pay is ok...for a coupple of months, but you do not want to ve there if it doesn't work out and he goed bankrupt
The choice is really if you want the thrill or excitement or the comfortable secure position..


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