Fat 'n Miserable  

SxyCrazyCool 38F
633 posts
4/21/2006 11:28 pm

Last Read:
3/15/2007 3:08 pm

Fat 'n Miserable

The day preceding that night I sacrificed myself to go to a themepark with my friend. Wet 'n Wild __ Waterslides Galore!
Usually, when I can keep my clothes on, most of the time, I can just be me. I'm lucky enough to have friends who love me because I'm eva and they don't care about my body. But because they see me for who I am and not what I look like, sometimes I forget what I look like and days like today are sure to remind me.. I hate bathing-suits and spending a whole day walking around in one with nothing to hide behind was awefull. I'm glad we were wet all day so she didn't notice me crying.
I started out very confident.. "I can do this. I'm a person just like them and I'm pretty nice, despite the way I look. Who are they to judge me?" (or am I judging myself?)
It worked for a while. But when kids are whispering and laughing and nasty teenagers say nastier things I find it hard to keep confident. I could feel it crumbling down until I felt so miserable I wanted to crawl under a table and cry.
I tried to reason with myself and tell me that they don't know any better. That I'd have prolly done the same thing if I were them. That they're narrow-minded and superficial. That their rediculing me said more about them than it did about me.. But it all didnt help. I felt like an elephant in a cage full of fragile little mice. They were all staring at me and there was no where I could hide.
I tried spotting women fatter than me to see if ppl were talking about her or pointing at her, but no one did. Was I imaginating? It felt real. It felt so real I wished I could die on the spot (without falling on top of anyone)

And then it comes. That overpowering deep Hate for myself from within. Hate.. HATE Hate the ugliness and the fatness and the weakness. The beauty of my face doesnt even start to make up for the ugliness of the rest of me..

I know how it works. It's not until I love myself like my friends love me, untill I can accept myself inside and outside and appreciate me that I'll be able to make any changes. Untill that moment__ until the hate, the despise is gone, nothing will change and I'll stay the way I am. Hatefull.
I can dress up pretty, I can do perfect make-up, wear nice jewellery, make beautiful pictures.. Concentrate on my beautiful eyes and smile and hair, pretending the body isn't there. But pretending it's not there won't make it go away. That tredmill won't do me any good until I do myself some good. I have excellent condition now, but it didn't change anything, because it doesn't make the hate go away.

I was looking up the BBW sex sites earlier because sometimes that gives me a bit of consolation that at least there's women out there worse than me.. And I'm looking and my jaw is on the table.. I just can't.. No way in the world I can imagine how a man gets horny watching pictures like that!!! It makes me GAG!!!

I have a guy in The Hague who's into the BBW thing.. not as BBW as on this picture here, but I seem to turn him on like fire.. it's amazing! And he's Gorgeous! OmG he can snap his fingers and have 10 women at his feet kissing his toes!! Yet he wants me. I mean. He's not in love with me, but for some reason I can do something to him (don't ask me what) so crawls for me.. So when I've seen him (which is like only twice a year orso) I feel really good about myself..
And at times like these (I'm also about to have my period I think because I keep crying) I try to relive those memories.. but then I take one look at myself in the mirror and I want to throw up again..


rm_BigDnLady 43M/40F
1140 posts
4/22/2006 12:02 am

You are so right when you say that you must first love yourself before anyone else can, but also, you are human, and no one likes to be made fun of. If you are not happy with yourself then think about the things you need to do to make your life happier. If it is losing weight then do that, if it isn't then don't. You are you regardless what size you are. If you stay a BBW then you are just as much you as if you weren't a BBW. Don't let your weight define who you are, and girlfriend this is from a BBW, who has a man who loves me for me. I love me, it took me a while, but I do. I am also losing weight to better my health, and not because of how I feel others view me, because I feel sexy now, and please my man very well. But we all go through journeys, and yours begins not looking at the mirror, but INTO the person who is in the mirror.



steve917611 48M
36 posts
4/22/2006 12:23 am

Sweetie, you need to love yourself for just who you are not what you look like or what others think. There are many men out there that appreciate a larger woman. I can understand you might want to lose weight, but do not punish yourself over it. Enjoy life in all its aspects and do not worry about what others think. Vanity effects us all no matter what are size, shape or color. Besides anyone who has a problem with the way you look is their problem, not yours. Trust me, it is more fun and enjoyable to be around someone who is loving, kind, attentive and ugly than somone who could win the miss universe contest but who is a complete bitch and is self aborbed. As for kids, hey they are kids and it does not matter who you are or what you look like everyone is fair game to be made fun of from the high school football captain to the nerdiest of nerds. They are kids and thats what kids do as they try and establish their own identity. Personally, I found the few pictures you have on your profile to be very attractive so smile and if you have someone laugh at you because of your size, make fun of them, they will stop laughing.

dutchpete 54M
563 posts
4/22/2006 2:55 am


A tredmill does not do the job.
People who can not see a person behind the body skin have probably other things to hide or to be judged upon. They have ither ┬┤Getver..┬┤ aspects.

Don't they say it is in the eye of the beholder when it comes to issues like this.

So just enjoy what you want to do, there in surfers paradise.
And see the stairway to heaven made by the moon in the sea !!!!

rm_jackie40503 69T
1323 posts
4/22/2006 5:38 am

Hun there are things much worse then being bbw, try being trapped like I am in a male body and all the kicking, screaming and crying will never get me out. So you want to talk about feeling ugly I sometimes go for days at a time avoiding mirrors simply because I don't need the reminder of the uglyness I've been forced to live with. And yes it hurts when others point and snicker, but I've learned that I can't let what others think of me get to me as that doesn't change who I am. So just let it go hun and just be who your are, the rest doesn't really matter in the least anyway. Now get out there hold your head up and be proud of who you are.

Hugzz and Kisses,

SxyCrazyCool 38F

5/4/2006 5:34 pm

~*~ BigDnLady- You know, if I did not care at all about what people think of me, I'd be happy the way I am.. Most of the times I'm just me and I'm glad that I'm me.. Only some times, like in the waterslide-world, I can feel really bad and low about myself.. And yeah I know I have to look INTO myself, been doing quite a lot of that the past year, but I'm making baby steps and it really gets me impatient sometimes! Also I think it's easier to feel positive about yourself if you have a man who adores you..


SxyCrazyCool 38F

5/4/2006 7:53 pm

~*~ Steve917611- Mhmm.. well.. they might stop laughing, but that would make me the same way as they are and I don’t want that. I try to live by the rule “don’t do to another what you wouldn’t want them to do to you”..
As for my weight.. like I said, usually I don’t have any trouble with it.. I am who I am and I enjoy being who I am, there’s just some days that I don’t quite enjoy it as much as usual.. and the waterslide-day was one of those days..
They say its more fun and enjoyable with someone who is loving and kind etc.. than with a bitchy miss universe.. but the thing is, most of the times misses universes aren’t really a bitch.. ppl like me just like to think that to make life a bit more fair..
And the love for myself.. I’m not quite there yet.. I have been a couple of years ago, but then I lost it.. and I haven’t found a way yet to get it back… but I’ll get there… slow but sure


SxyCrazyCool 38F

5/4/2006 7:56 pm

~*~ dutchpete- Yes… Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. I know that..
Only sometimes, when I’m beholding, I can’t see the beauty…

But the Moon.. the Stars.. the Ocean.. universal and ever present beauty!!


SxyCrazyCool 38F

5/4/2006 8:09 pm

~*~ Jackie40503- Thank you .. And yes I know there are worse things.. At least I’m lucky enough to have a pretty face.. Can’t imagine what it would b like to have been born in a body of the opposite sex. But I do believe everything in life happens for a reason.. if it’s not a logical one, then at least it is to learn from.. While doing so we all gotta hold our head up and face the world.. *smile* thank you for your sweet words..


Become a member to create a blog