Why I'm So Screwed Up  

Sweetpickles69 47F
4147 posts
7/19/2006 11:52 am

Last Read:
9/23/2006 8:29 pm

Why I'm So Screwed Up

I thought It is finally time to tell about the "bad" men in my life. They're the reason I'm so screwed up & insecure about relationships.

First(Jeff), I was molested as a child, from ages 5 to 11. He was the son of one of my mom's friends. He would corner me any chance he could get.

Second(Tommy), I caught my first "real" boyfriend in bed, cheating on me. I'm so glad I miscarried his baby. He was fucking half of Lincoln, NE anyway.

Third(Jody), In 1995, I almost married a /child molester. I found out about his criminal record 3 weeks before we were to marry. A very nice lawyer alerted me to his record, when he found out I was about to marry this loser.

Fourth(Mike), I married an abusive, controlling man, in 1999. Divorced his ass 7 years later. I was the first girl he fucked when he got out of prison. I met him when I was looking at age 30, & still not married. He said all the right things at the time. The first year was good, but 6 months after we were married, I tried to OD. I wanted out of this life.

Being molested as a child made me feel like I didn't deserve a "good" man. I was "damaged" goods, & I should be glad to find any man to like or love me.

I'm trying to change this pattern. I know I deserve better. I know I have alot of love to give. I just can't find someone to give it ALL too. One who worships me, for me. One who will love me whether I'm skinny, or fat. I guess I seek the kinda love my parents have. The kind that works through the crap, & the good times.

You just can't find that kinda love these days. It's just to easy to get out! My parents are so cute. Dad still grabs mom's ass while she's cooking in the kitchen, after 40 years of marriage. People of my parents generation were taught to stay together & work it out.

I know I'll probably NEVER find that kinda love. not in this day & age. Reality sure bites!



Peace,
Pickles


glidecc 41M  
1184 posts
7/19/2006 12:15 pm

Sounds like your parents aren't a bad couple to emulate. I'm glad to hear you didn't try to "stay together & work it out" with those other guys though.


amoldenough 69F
16436 posts
7/19/2006 12:38 pm

I'm sorry you met so many , I hesitate to call them men, losers. There are good men out there. You deserve a man who can give you everything that you want from a relationship. The molestation was not your fault. You were the victim. I hope, if you haven't already, that you seek some kind of counselling. Maybe a group would be good. Please don't give up. Your love will come. Best wishes.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."


Supervy_Sage 50M

7/19/2006 12:54 pm

You might be right. You were in bad relationships with four men. Four men out of 4 billion, million, thousand, hundred even. Hmm...somehow I don’t think you got a very good sampling of what’s out there. And I’m willing to bet that you have not moved around that much in your life, and all these men from the same area?

Obviously you are like the rest of us, and desire a meaningful relationship. But don’t be concerned if you should find a meaningful relationship. You are worth it, I am sure. Just because you had some bad luck doesn’t make you not worth the effort anymore. The first step is to change your self image. Your self image tends to be the very same image we show everyone else.

Don’t over analyze every potential relationship before it even happens. Don’t look at someone and say to yourself, “Wow, he looks nice, but he wouldn’t like me anyway. I’m not his type.” When you do that, you have already doomed yourself to the types of men you think deserve you, those very same types you have already had so much bad experience with.

We all meet people that promise us things. They say the will do this or come here or there to meet us. But then they don’t show or uphold their end of the promise. This is in no way a direct reflection of you. It is them. You were not the one that was deceptive or dishonest. It was them. Remember that.

What you probably did not think of is but there is so much more out there then you have seen. You just have to go to it, and embrace it. But first you must prepare yourself. Don’t go out there expecting to fail. Go out there expecting to win, because you will win when you give it all to win. Repair that damaged self image you have of yourself first. It will be tuff, but if you lasted this long and you got what it takes.

Don’t forge ahead blindly. When I say blindly, I mean with the current self image you have. Being focused on the untrue is effectively the same as being blind, blind to the truth. So proceed with caution when you are ready, and watch out for those same old traps that caught you before. If necessary, ask a friend if a potential guy is the same type you are trying to avoid. Sometimes they can see things more clearly, but ensure they are not trying to match up the old you, but the new improved, self confident you.

Also keep in mind that things will just happen in your favor. Don’t try to plan to meet the perfect guy. It will just happen. Practice this. Visualize the perfect man, and how much you want him. Think about what you would do for him, and how you would do it. Imagine that you are good enough for it, and you will be. If you believe it, others will see it in you too.

Above all smile. Depression is your enemy. Smile to all you meet, with a kind hello. Others will see the confident, successful and happy you, and want to get to know you better. It is a good exercise to erase that negative self image of yourself too.

Making these changes might be unpleasant or difficult, but if you move to new conditions, you will surely meet with success.

The Super Pervy Sage


Sweetpickles69 47F

7/19/2006 12:59 pm

I've been through counciling, or I wouldn't still be alive today! It was how I realized I was molested, & why I pick the men I do. But,I'm trying like hell to change! To make better choices, & learn from past mistakes!

Peace,
Pickles


SexyT12078 48F

7/19/2006 1:18 pm

aww hon, I know how you feel on this one. Reality sure does bite.


rivercitydave3 63M

7/19/2006 2:43 pm

I agree with amoldenough&al2u2,your a pretty lady thats why I did those pics of you to show you that you are a pretty lady and from knowing you , you are a good person hang in there your time will come and if you need to talk some time let me know


cuteNEway 41F

7/21/2006 3:14 pm

SweetP I was molested too. I have also put myself in abusive hands. Thankfuly never physical abuse. Mental and emotional abuse, which is just as damaging and those wounds, as you know, take longer to heal than a busted lip!

I stayed with that man (and I use the term loosely) for 3 years because I thought he was the best I would ever get. We broke up 6 years ago and I still haven't been in a relationship. I think it's because I AM damaged from the molestation and on top of that the abuse...


letstryit4fun38 49F

7/24/2006 8:26 am

I can totally understand the picking the wrong men and feeling like you don't deserve love part of it. I met a great man that put me on a pedestal and treated me like a princess but my insecurities almost ruined it for me.I never thought I was good enough for him even though he never did anything to make me feel bad or insecure.There are still good men out there, they are just hard to find.

WELCOME TO MY WICKED BUT WONDERFUL WORLD!


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