"When I'm Gone!"  

Sweetpickles69 47F
4147 posts
5/5/2006 7:01 am

Last Read:
6/20/2006 9:21 pm

"When I'm Gone!"

Do you ever wonder what if I was no longer around? Would anyone miss me? If I died today, would it really matter to anyone, except my family? I get these thoughts cuz they run in my family. My mom's mother committed suicide 16 years ago next month, & my mom talks about how she showed us how to do it. My mom tells me how she has suicidial thoughts now too, & I don't know how to deal, cuz I have my own thoughts too. I just tell myself to wait a day,& usually the thoughts go away, or I find another reason to stay on this earth somewhere. I know there's millions of people out there that have it a hundred times worse than me. Probably just the people who've used me would be the ones to miss me, my fuck buddies. I've just been thinking alot lately, analizing my life. I've lost a couple of friends, through no fault of my own. I've also gotten my hopes up only to be let down, my heart can only take so much. I try so hard to please everyone. I just want people to like me for me. Maybe, I'm too ugly inside. Maybe all the people that have used me, is taking it's toll. Like the song, "Don't blame her, Life turned her that way!"

I've been on this site a year this month. It's been alot of fun, but it's hard on the emotions. There are feelings you try to hide, but they keep wanting to be felt. It's hard to guard your heart when someone makes you feel so good. I know this site is not for long term relationships, but sometimes you meet someone, & you can't help but think about what it would be like. Not to have to go home to an empty bed. Always someone there, like when I was married. Without the fear of getting hit. Sometimes, It hurts when a guy wants to leave right after the act. Makes you feel so used. Like a hooker, without the pay. I know almost everyone is looking for the "no strings" thing here, but sometimes it's hard to remember. Maybe it's time for me to slow down, maybe what I'm really looking for IS a longterm relationship again. I know too many questions. Sometimes I wonder what I was put on this earth for. Someone's toy, someone's scapegoat, someone's punching bag?? I can't have kids, I'm not a genius, What am I here for?
Listen to me, confessions of a BBW pothead! I'm pathetic. I know I have good qualities, but are they enough to override the bad??

I know I shouldn't post when I'm feeling down, but that's what blogging is for, right? To get things out, to think about them, to get opinions on feelings, & rants?
I hope this post doesn't bring you down, I just had to get this out, what I've been feeling lately. I'm used to bottling things up, I got that from my good ole dad. I'm trying to let it out, this is just one way I know of.

Hope everyone's life is going better than mine! It would be nice if that knight in the shiny armour would show up & ride me away to some place safe, loving, & warm!!!


Peace,
Pickles


willudomeharder 39F
85 posts
5/8/2006 6:31 am

I know exactly how you feel..I think everyone goes through those stages. Just keep telling yourself that it WILL pass...and a time will come that you WILL feel better. You are NOT pathetic in any sense of the word...and please do NOT feel like you have to keep your feeling bottled up. You sound like such a fun vivacious person and I know I, along with many many others, would definitely miss you if you were gone. Don't let the world, or anyone in it, let you get down on yourself. Keep your head up....you are a beautiful person!


Sweetpickles69 47F

5/8/2006 8:53 am

Thanks for the words of encouragement & for letting me know I'm not crazy,"willudomeharder". Like that handle BTW, very creative. I shouldn't post when I'm feeling down, but sometimes you have to get it out some way.

Peace,
Pickles


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