Picking up the tab  

Sweetgenie_girl 41F
326 posts
8/26/2005 12:36 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Picking up the tab

Today I had a coffee date with someone. When the bill came, it was handed to the guy. As we made our way to the cash register, he asked me if I were an independent woman or a pampered one. After a brief moment of awkwardness from both of us regarding who was paying the bill, we agree that we would split it. Later on, I started thinking about proper paying etiquette. The dating world, as well as the respective roles of men and women, has evolved so much now that we don’t seem to know how to handle the situation.

I feel especially bad for you guys because you are put in a “damn if you do, damn if you don’t” situation. No matter how things may have evolved, you’re still the one with all the pressure. On the one hand, some women are bothered if the guy doesn’t pick up the tab, seeing them as cheap or ungentlemanly. On the other hand, some women don’t appreciate it as may make them feel as if they are being bought.

Here’s my take on the situation. Now remember this is my own personal opinion. It doesn’t reflect all women. My own view on the matter is that the one doing the invitation should pay for the date. I realize that when dates are being arranged through emails, messengers, mobile text messages or whatever, it’s hard to pinpoint who made the invitation. In the case of AdultFriendFinder, the person who initiates contact should pay the bill, at least for the first date. After all, the initiator is the one who has shown interest first, it’s only fitting that he/she should pay the price to get to know the object of his/her interest.

Also, for me it depends on how I view the guy. If I view him as just Mr. Right Now, with no potential of developing into a long-term relationship, I’m not as bothered if he doesn’t pay the bill. However, if this guy could be a potential “relationship guy”, I do secretly hope he’ll pick up the tab. For me a guy, who just goes half way on the bill, shows me how he could potentially treat the relationship: HALFWAY!

Also, again this is my opinion, but I think that when men are saying that women have become independent and self-sufficient, it’s their way to escape paying for it all, especially if you are not guarantee getting “some” at the end of the date. In the same frame of thought, I admit that I have become reluctant to accept guys paying for it all, because I don’t want to feel like I owe them anything.

My bottom line is this: although I am a proud, independent woman, who can pay for her own meals, I do appreciate being pampered once in a while. I do like feeling that the guys thinks I’m worthy enough for him to spend the extra dollars in ensuring that I have eaten properly while not expecting anything in return.

Once we have gotten the first few dates out of the way, then it’s only fair that both people participate in paying the bill. It’s not a matter of always going halfway but rather taking turn on covering the bill.

alex_200mm 57M
4960 posts
8/26/2005 9:45 pm

Wow, what a conundrum! There's so many contrary possibilities here that it's hard to pick out what the guy must have been thinking.

Maybe he didn't want to put you under an obligation, no matter how subtle... On the one hand, maybe he was just cheap! Just a HALFWAY guy... who knows? But he asked you out... so it seems he does value you... maybe the most charitable thing I could say is that he's just a confused, but well-meaning schmo! I guess you'd have to be the judge of what he was, since you were the one who went out with him and had the chance to study him...

The only thing I could think of that could mitigate his behaviour would be if he asked you out again, and this time automatically grabbed the cheque, without even asking. That way you'd know if he was the HALFWAY type, or not.

But, like you say about your stuff, that's just my opinion. I'd like to know what others think, too...

Sweetgenie_girl 41F

8/26/2005 10:38 pm

Thanks Alex200mm for your comment.

To be honest I wasn’t bothered that the “coffee date guy” didn’t pay the bill. There was no direct invitation from either side, we kind of just agreed to meet. I’m sure that if the occasion for him to ask me out arise, he would step up to the plate and be a gentleman (he had potential )

Like you, I would like to hear what other people think on the paying etiquette matter. I brought up the subject with friends last night and got conflicting opinions from everyone.

1586 posts
8/28/2005 7:35 am

Sweetgenie -

I always leave the house expecting to split the bill. My mother drilled the "boys have expectations" rule into my head. LOL

I'd say 95% of the men I've ever dated have insisted on covering the tab. They've said something to the effect of "I asked you out, so I'm paying". Yes, Captain! I've been told! LOL

If we go out again, I'll treat them the next time. If it progresses beyond that, the person that has the most money on them pays.

I think that's fair.

hugablebear2004 59M

8/28/2005 8:44 am

For me its quite simple,if she dont say anything,I usualy pay the bill for the first few dates,and if she still dont say anything,I just dont date her anymore,that way its not hard to figure out what she's looking for in a relationship

rm_pgn_man 39M
82 posts
8/28/2005 7:27 pm

I think no matter who pays the bill, it should never amount to anyone expecting something more than a fun evening of conversation and a nice meal.


Sweetgenie_girl 41F

8/28/2005 8:59 pm

DCEbony, your mom and mine must have gone to the same school ...my mom keeps telling me that too, hence where I get my reluctance to have someone pay the entire bill.

Hugablebear - hard to believe some ladies can be that superficial, huh?

Pgn_man - You always know the right thing to say...so u're free next week?

homme_514 37M

8/30/2005 8:08 am

Having your meal paid by the guy does not mean you have to get laid. I understand that your moms warned you ladies.

But on the other hand, I am quite old-fashioned. I mean if I invite the lady, I would consider it normal to pay for the drinks or the meal. And I won't feel cheap if she insists on paying for her meal. And I would not mind if she insists on paying everything. But let's be serious, does this ever happen ?

My 2 cents on this is : I offer paying but I do not want to offend anyone, so this should remain open to discussion.

hugablebear2004 59M

8/31/2005 4:57 pm

yeah Sweetgenie,and I pray that someday someone will prove me wrong.

Sweetgenie_girl 41F

8/31/2005 9:31 pm

Homme_514: hey, I'm one of those girls who, if she wants to impress a guy, will take him to a nice restaurant and pay for the meal. I understand that men need pampering too

Hugablebear: Perhaps you are searching in the wrong places for the lady who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Trust me, she exists somewhere. You just gotta keep your eyes open for her. And when you catch her, don't let go...

hugablebear2004 59M

9/3/2005 9:26 am

its not that by buying me a meal that impresses me,anybody can by a meal or drinks,its someone that gives of themself,now that impresses me

homme_514 37M

9/8/2005 1:57 pm

Bonjour Sweetgenie: I am the kind of guy who is impressed by a good meal (whoever pays in fact). My stomach is on the way to my heart ! That's me.

Sweetgenie_girl 41F

9/9/2005 6:34 pm

LOL! homme_514: my stomach is also the way to my heart! And if you add the chocolate then u got me!!!!

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