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Must READ Jokes :)
Must READ Jokes :)
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in sperm - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What can you learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears
an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks. "Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled
in their back for their wings." "Ouch," she blurts. Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires. St.
Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo." Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell." He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be and sodomized there!" The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"
* * * * * * * * * *
One night a 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in
bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything
to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at
92, if he could have sex...he could fly."
* * * * * * * * * * *
60 things to not say to a guy:
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I
want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood
you. What did you say?"
"Listen up. Damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of
her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that
foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in the damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to
buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do.
After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's
a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you
know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his
wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends & family is that
they don't have email addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
11. Your VCR is now the 8 track of 21st century and you are thinking you
need a TV no thicker than an encyclopedia.
Your kids will never know what an encyclopedia is. What are you going to
do with your Entertainment Center Armoire?
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help, you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
19 You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends...you
know you want to!
Yesterday is history . . .
12/29/2005 12:30 pm
You're incredible!!! Kisses|
12/30/2005 2:20 pm
Love your sense of humor. Sexy AND you have a brain! |
12/31/2005 11:38 am
Dear Tech Support: |
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, Troubled User.. (Keep reading)
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under ! Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck, Tech Support
12/31/2005 11:55 am
If I was ever fortunate enough to meet you I'd either die laughing from your very funny jokes OR from just looking into your deep blue eyes....Ahhhhhh what a way to go.You're the best honey. |
1/14/2006 4:04 am
ditto mofo fosho gotta go bro hallo|