Premonitions / What if's?  

SunneyOne 43F
2146 posts
8/25/2005 12:18 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Premonitions / What if's?

Something wasn’t quite right, rather suddenly. I was sitting at my desk, working, when all of a sudden, a chill worked its way up my spine. Something is wrong. Something is not right. It has to do with him. My mind spun a million miles a minute. No, he isn’t hurt. Just that something…something isn’t right. I can’t define it. I don’t know what it is. It’s just a feeling, intuition. I don’t know. And damn, I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’m paranoid, worrying for no reason. I hope I’m way off base.

But in these few minutes, I feel it. I feel like I’m way, way out on a limb, all by myself. I feel like a kid who has gotten too far away from her parents. Like I’ve been swimming, confident of where the shore is, but am suddenly much too far out, alone. I’ve put all my eggs in one basket because that’s how I am wired. But suddenly, I am wondering if the basket will hold. Am I wrong? Have I built a castle in my mind where only a duplex is? What if… the eternal question of what if.

What if I feel a whole lot more than he does? What if I am wrong about how I think he feels? What if he isn’t that into me really? What if I’m not the only one? What if I’m not good enough?

What if I am scared? What if I look stupid for being scared? What if it looks like I don’t trust him when in fact I’m afraid to trust anyone? What if he reads this and decides I’m not worth it? What if I don’t tell anyone that I’m scared, including him? What if I did tell him, the truth, this? What if it is all okay? What if I’m making something out of nothing? What if he really does feel the way about me that I feel about him?

What if I made myself this vulnerable in front of all of you? What if someone else has felt the same way before? What if you feel it now? What if this helps? What if this is the only way I can say all of this, because I can't verbalize it? Is that okay?

destinybound30 41F

8/25/2005 1:32 pm

Deep breaths my dear Sunney.... Relax and let what will be -BE...Reading all your posts your confidence really is there... u can do this girl.Im with u tho... i do the same thing

mygmyg 59M

8/25/2005 2:37 pm

A Racing mind is a terrible thing, and the uncertainty of what the "other" is thinking/feeling is the "exercise wheel" of despair. Don't do this to yourself, Sunney One, you are a desireable, attractive, alluring Lady.

This Racing Mind is on an oval track- going around in circles, time will tell where this relationship is going, relax, ease up on the gas until you are together, enjoy the ride with him, don't "what if" the trip before you get out of the driveway.

what is next? If he is smart(He is already lucky) YOUR NEXT!!! Be the center of his universe and gravitate towards happiness!!!

Overmyknee1969 47M

8/25/2005 2:59 pm

Whoa, girl. This sounds a lot like me when I find a woman that I want to spend my days with.

The trust questions got me the most. I always think of a quote from, of all things, a comic book (Dawn: Lucifer's Halo, by Joe Michael Linsner, BTW) when I think about trust: "Y'know what's screwed up? I know that in order to get someone to put faith in you and trust you and love you, you've got to stand tall and be like...Joe Self-Confidence...But if I ever found a girl I could really trust---All I'd want to do is curl up in her arms and cry my eyes out."

It's kind of an epiphany when you find the words written out for you when you could never find those words yourself...

eroticneurotic 46M

8/25/2005 4:24 pm

What if all of this were true? Would it change the person you are? What if only the good parts were true? Would that change the person you are?
What if none of it were true? You still wouldn't change who you are.
No matter what if, you are who you are and life always goes on. You are a strong, smart, witty, sexual, beautiful, courageous woman who knows what she wants and will except nothing less. It doesn't matter what if anyting happens, you will always be true to yourself and don't ever let anyone tell you any different. Sunney, you are a flower of the rarest form, believe me, I know you. What if he felt the same way? To thine ownself be true and everything you want will come to you.

SunneyOne 43F

8/25/2005 5:11 pm

Destiny - Thank you, and big hugs to you. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who gets this way.

mygmyg - You're right, and thank you too. I've never been one for running. *laugh*

Oversomeone'sknee - That is spot on, exactly. I'm just so unused to having someone be so open, and so honest that it hardly seems real. I know it is my own baggage clouding it, but I have to deal with that. I can't deny that I have abandonment issues. But thank the powers that be, he knows, he listens, understands and gets me to talk them out.

Erotic - Alright damnit, now I'm crying. Come over here so I can punch you. No, don't, I'm not wearing makeup. LOL. You're the greatest thing since tomato sandwiches, and by God, I love a tomato sandwich.

And by the way, I'm a dork. I had a total freak out / panic episode and wrote this, posted it. Then I thought better of it and frantically tried to delete the post before anyone saw it. (vulnerability issues) The powers that be (and AdultFriendFinder) for some reason would not allow me to delete. I kept hitting the link for "Delete Post and All Comments" and the damn thing would not go away. Some AdultFriendFinder malfunction maybe. Either way...what's meant to be is meant to be.

As I mentioned before, I am so compelled to be transparent with this man. I am not able to hold things back that I normally would, just because I mistakenly think that holding them back solves things. So even when I knew I couldn't delete it, I knew I'd tell him all this anyway. I did. And I'm a dork. False premonition. New birth control pills, rush of hormones, whatever. I'm an emotional girl. Thankfully, he can handle it.

LarvaValvePeers 46M

8/25/2005 8:53 pm

ok i thought we went through this , your not a dork , the way you feel about things is the way you feel , and there's not much you can do about that, except exactly what you did , and thats to talk to me, just like you did . the only thing we have as humans that truly expresses the way we feel is language, talking to eachother,as you and i do , we all have baggage , we all have issues, if you say you dont then your a lier, and we both know that we do , and the only way for us do deal with them is to talk to eachother , like we do. do you remember when we first started talking and i told you the three things i wanted to find in a woman?? do you remember what the first thing i mentioned was , ..... yep you guessed it talk to me , as long as you keep talkin there isnt anything i cant handle , but if i dont know about it theres nothing i can do about it , it's just that simple . so even though you may think it's silly or trivial i never will , when it comes to expressing your self and how you feel it will always be important to me , and i will always listen . because thats what you do when you care about someone .
oh hey MYGMYG your damn skippy , i am lucky , more than any man deserves.

SunneyOne 43F

8/25/2005 10:50 pm

Damn, you're amazing. I am so lucky, and I will spend every day thanking you for that in whatever way I can.

SunneyOne 43F

8/25/2005 11:29 pm

two xchrom - Yeah, fears are alleviated. I'm a ding dong. Thank you for reading, and for making me feel not so abnormal.

eroticneurotic 46M

8/26/2005 2:32 am

See Sunney, I told you he felt the same way and I also told you that he was a good man. As I can clearly see again, by what he just said here. Way to go DC, I told her she was being silly, in so many words.

I hope you really mean what you said about tomato sandwiches, (that's funny) and don't hold certain things I may do against me. I will not judge you Sunney and I hope you will do the same with me.
Food for thought and no, not a tomato sandwich.

AltumHunksUnite 53M

8/26/2005 6:25 am

We've all been through times like this. Nothing strange or geeky about it.

Let me drive. I like the view

LarvaValvePeers 46M

8/26/2005 9:37 am

just be you ,thats all i ask .... well, and keep talking to me . i'm not a complex man i'm about as simple as they come , it doesnt take much to keep me happy , talk to me , dont lie to me and dont treat me like i'm something less than what i am . those are my laws break them and you break me , and we all know what happens to broken things . not that i'm worried about any of this if i was i would of said something about it , i'm not worried about a thing , how could i be ? i found in you everything a man could ask for and so muc h more , how could i question that? or fear that? i'm too busy enjoying the view from cloud nine to worry . and believe me if i have something on my mind you'll be the first to know . call me later k?

eroticneurotic 46M

8/26/2005 10:25 am

Now I'm crying(JK), DC, that was sooo nice, how could she ever doubt you man? All she has to do is listen to you. Yeah, that's right LISTEN! Tell her how it is dude.

(Juan S)
2642 posts
8/26/2005 10:40 am

This is absolutely Beautiful... I'm going through some what ifs myself and I just wish I was as far along as you guys are. Or even just at the point of actually going out. LOL. Good luck you two, but I don't think you'll need luck.


SunneyOne 43F

8/26/2005 10:55 am

I'm learning not to doubt. It takes time, and patience and caring. And luckily, you give those to me in abundance, DC. It's like the baggage and hurt of the past are weeds, and after a while, you fool yourself into thinking that they are actually exotic flowers, so that you don't have to deal with them. When in fact, they are still weeds, and sooner or later, you have to pull them so that good stuff can be planted.

My fear of not being good enough, of being left, is probably the biggest weed inside of me. I feel like I've struggled to pull it on my own, and just couldn't quite get it. You stepped in with quiet strength and understanding, and didn't take over, but instead, helped me pull. And together, we are getting rid of that weed. What is left is all for you, for us, to fill with happy times. It sounds so trite to thank you for being yourself, but I could, and will, do it every day. Because who you are is exactly who I want.

Yep, I'll call you later, or you can call me - either way.

eroticneurotic 46M

8/26/2005 11:50 am

Pissed at me or not Sunney, those are the perfect words, you always do seem to find them don't you? I hope that one day I myself will be able to have something so special as you two. I hope you don't consider me a mere weed now, I would like to think that true friendship is stronger than that and yes we do have that don't we?

SunneyOne 43F

8/26/2005 12:33 pm

No, Erotic, you aren't a weed. And you will have it. Maybe you already do but she's across the country. And yes, we do.

eroticneurotic 46M

8/26/2005 1:29 pm

Thanks, you don't know how much that means to me Sunney
I was getting worried, my mom always said, you are what you

Btw, If you need someone to get rid of some of those weeds for you, I'll be glad to put 'em in my pipe and schmoke 'em up. lol

rm_sweetxscape2 50F

8/27/2005 4:55 am

Interesting rules you have there bad you don't follow them yourself. Would you like to tell them how you've been treating me...or shall I?

eroticneurotic 46M

8/27/2005 10:47 am

Whoa! sounds like a little jealousy kicking in there sweetx, but, whatever you do, don't bring that s#it in here. You're treading through Sunney's world here and believe me, you don't want to tread on her. No offense, just some friendly advice.

rm_sweetxscape2 50F

8/27/2005 12:45 pm

No jealousy here. If things work between them then that's great. Just figured she deserved to know the truth.

SunneyOne 43F

8/28/2005 3:44 pm

Had to do a wee bit of housecleaning and delete a few comments. Situation is resolved, everything's fine. Sorry for the momentary unpleasantness.

Moving on now, back to our regularly scheduled blogging. Or, I should say, back to MY regularly scheduled blogging, as this is MY blog. So, I'll choose what issues to bring up and which ones to keep private. Although, I'm very rarely private about anything unless asked to be.

Erotic - I also deleted your comment because it involved the other two. Nothing against you, and nothing against her. I just wanted the whole thing gone.


eroticneurotic 46M

8/29/2005 9:29 am

That's cool, I totally understand Sunney, glad everthing is resolved. Anyhoo, moving on........

LarvaValvePeers 46M

8/30/2005 4:04 pm

now here's a what if for you . what if the significant other that your with is a work a holic , not just a "normal" one but the kind of person that if their not at work their thinking about what isnt getting done at that moment , what if that person has pushed so hard for so long and tryed to push their company to new levels for not just their own benifit but the benifit of all they work with ? what if they are so tired of slamming their head into the wall to get to the other side , what if they want to really make the company what it could be and will sacrifice almost everything to do it , and have been for so long that this is now a way of life , what if that someone found someone wonderful and is in a kind of awakening that makes them realize that their might be a better something to be doing other than working till two in the morning ,what if they want to change and dont know how , because this has become a part of their life ,what if they realize that a certain balance is missing and want to change it, what if this is what they are , and no amount of wanting or trying will change what they are?? what then??

SunneyOne 43F

8/31/2005 4:31 am

It isn't who you are. It is a part of who you are, a large part. And I know and accept that. But you do have other facets to your life. You know you can't have balance when you focus your life in one place entirely. You can't be entirely happy when you aren't well rounded. I do not expect you to become a 9-5er. Never did. Just make some time for me, let me help... talk to me, just like we did yesterday.

LarvaValvePeers 46M

9/2/2005 9:17 pm

i know , i know , take my oun advise and use it on me , i'm just worried that this might be harder than i thought, and wanted to let you know that , sometimes its easyer to write it here

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