Oh No, the Gyno!  

SunneyOne 44F
2146 posts
8/8/2005 7:03 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Oh No, the Gyno!

I am approaching my annual “Well Woman Visit” to the gynecologist, that once a year fun fest of poking and prodding with cold instruments and gloved hands while a nurse with bad teeth and pictures of her grandkids on a cheap gold necklace watches. I realize that for some of you, the first part sounded kind of fun. Okay, me too. I once dated a gyno… anyway, another story.

So as the date of my appointment approaches, I am haunted by the same questions, thoughts and fears that I have every year at this time. I can’t help but think that other women must have the same ones, and that men should have to understand this. So, ladies, please add your own to the comments, or at least pretend that you share mine. Many thanks for not sending me to therapy.

Dilemma #1 ‒ To shave or not to shave, that is the question. I keep my whole pubic area shaven, tile floor, totally. No landing strips, no little shapes, no trimming. Shaved, all of it. I’ve been doing this since I was 22 or so. So for 10 years, I’ve deliberated on this. Does the gyno think shaving is weird, bad, odd, sick? Does he like it in a pervy way? My dilemma is always, do I shave fresh that morning as if it were a date? Do I get a couple days of stubble so I make it clear it isn’t a date? Or do I let it grow for a week or so so that it appears I am just a trimmer? Inevitably, I end up shaving the morning of the appointment. I figure I don’t want to see a hairy pussy; he probably doesn’t either.

Dilemma #2 ‒ Too much washing. I never believed that there was such a thing as being “too clean”. Ladies, I’m sure we all do this. The day of the appointment, we scrub the snatch with near brillo pad power. I take a washcloth with antibacterial soap with me, and right before I am called back, I will go into the bathroom and give it a go again. Now, I don’t have a pungent odor naturally, nor am I unclean. I just want to be EXTRA clean while Dr. Gyno is making his rounds. No point in ruining his lunch. I figure it can’t be pleasant for him, might as well make the best of it. However, this was shattered a couple of years ago when Dr. Gyno casually mentioned (while shoving two metal shovels covered in KY up my hole), “You know, you really shouldn’t wash so hard. You’ve got some abrasions here and here. The vagina needs it’s own protection. Go easy on the scrubbing.” Uhm, okay. I’m still gonna scrub.

Dilemma #3 ‒ Breast exams. I have large breasts, very large. And I’m ticklish. I hate the breast exam part worse than the whole rest of the exam. It is so strange that they are sort of feeling up your tits while talking to you about other things. Meanwhile, said tit is jiggling around like jello. When I think it can’t get worse, they get to the armpit, and purposefully tickle you. How kinky is laying there squirming and giggling during a tit exam? Then, it is cold in the room, so my nipples get hard. I always feel the need to explain, “Uhm, Dr. Gyno, just so you know, it’s not that I LIKE this, but it’s cold in here. Otherwise my nipples wouldn’t be, you know… I mean, it isn’t that it is bad, but it isn’t that I think about… nevermind.” He just nods and keeps on jiggling.

Dilemma #4 ‒ The ass exam. Apparently, turning 30 sucks in more ways than I imagined. At 30, Dr. Gyno starts sticking his fingers up your ass as if he hasn’t already violated you in enough ways. I can’t say that I enjoy it, really. Worse yet, I always feel the need to make a joke. As if he hasn’t heard them, I’m sure. They try to “prepare” you for the invasion of the ass by touching your pucker and saying, “Now you’re going to feel my fingers.” Well no shit. I was quite sure you weren’t going to drop trou in front of Nurse Ratchet and shove your cock up in there. Wait… that’s hot. Anyway. So…whoop… in goes the two fingers for a swirlie. I always pop off with something like, “So, come here often?” or “Hey now, usually that’s the 3rd date.” or “oooh Daddy.” or the worst was last year with, “Tell me if you find anything up in there.” Damn, I hope Dr. Gyno has a sense of humor.

Dilemma #5 ‒ Pussy confessional. My gyno has assured me that he can tell my recent sexual history during an exam. This has been evidenced a few times by his remarks. Once, he said, “You might want to ask your boyfriend to use some lubrication.” Pardon me? “Well, I just noticed that you have a bit of tearing … here… at the base of the vagina. So he is a bit big for you. If he uses some lubrication, extra, there, you will have time to adjust to his size. Just something to think about.” Right. Thanks. Will do. Then there was the time when he said, “You know, you should wash your toys with a certain cleaner. Antibacterial soap isn’t always the best thing.” My head popped up to look at him looking into my world with a magnifying glass. Pardon me? “Well, I just noticed an abrasion on your cervix where you were a bit rough, apparently, and there is some evidence around it of decreased mucus. Looks like antibacterial soap on a toy. That’s not good for you.” Oh. Actually it was antibacterial soap on a toy. I was in the shower. But, noted.

So how long before you go can you have sex without them being able to read you like a tarot card? Obviously you don’t want to go with seed spilling out like a garden plot. Well… that could be hot too…wait, nevermind.

Just some thoughts. Please share yours.

AltumHunksUnite 53M

8/8/2005 11:49 am

My friend Paul is back with his Little Miss Norma demon from hell who puts most of the Maxxim women to shame. His whole thing is looks, and he has sacrificed his self respect in taking her back. All so he can have his trophy girlfriend who will dump him as soon as she gets bored with him again.

Me, I find women beautiful in general. How you're put together. How you can create life and nurture it minutes after giving birth to that life. How your body chemistry gives you the ability to do all of this and withstand the pains associated with it. And how you will defend that new life to the death. It's all just so frickin' beautiful.

Sounds a little sappy, I know.

Let me drive. I like the view

AltumHunksUnite 53M

8/8/2005 11:51 am

Sorry, the post above was meant for your previous thread. Feel free to delete that one, and this one if you need to.

Let me drive. I like the view

fsuliber 42M

8/8/2005 11:54 am

You poor, poor women. The things you have to go through. I will admit that I have been putting off the men's version of the "turning 30" test (I'm trying to come up with a good line).

overworkedloon 56M
400 posts
8/8/2005 12:53 pm

Comments from patients made while undergoing a colonoscopy:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ..."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

eroticneurotic 46M

8/8/2005 2:59 pm

Oh Sunney, Sunney, Sunney you never cease to amaze me with the things you cum up with. As you said, us men can't really quite relate to the trip to the gyno as you ladies can. But, I was getting a physical from an attractive female doctor one time and started to get a hard on while she had her hand on my balls. How embarrassing is that? I said sorry, it's a natural reaction to touch, as my cock got harder and my face turned bright red. I'm surprized there was enough blood left to keep it hard as it rushed to my face. She was like, don't worry it happens all the time. I'm thinking to myself, I bet it does, you're too hot to be a doc.

SunneyOne 44F

8/8/2005 3:38 pm

LMAO - That is HYSTERICAL. Noooowwww, which one can I use? Hmmm..

fsuliber 42M

8/10/2005 7:12 am

My top three picks:
1. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
2. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ..."
3. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

freakin hilarious!!!

FLCplSeekingFun2 43M/44F

8/12/2005 5:28 pm

I don't know maybe he recognizes you from being on AdultFriendFinder himself. Maybe he is jealous you "appear" to be getting more action then he is...which ever way you want to slice that one.
Hate the gyno, but I at least have a female.

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