Masochism  

SunneyOne 44F
2146 posts
7/13/2005 7:52 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Masochism


I dated someone recently, and I am purposely keeping this very ambiguous. Since I air out most of the happenings of my life on this blog, I will keep most identifying details ambiguous. But for the sake of background information, let’s just say that I dated this Male, and that things did not work out, and that for some unknown reason, he went the way of the Bermuda Triangle.

Now, maybe I am a masochist, but I haven’t let it go. I think about him, every day. I still have some things of his at my apartment, specifically, a shirt. I touch it, every day. There’s something of his in my refrigerator which I will never ever drink. I should throw it out, but I haven’t. I look at it, every day. Maybe I just need closure. Maybe I need a slap in the face. Maybe on some subconscious level, I enjoy the pain. Masochism. Is it still masochism if you inflict it on yourself?

We were not together that long. We did not spend an enormous amount of time together. So why do I remember every single damn minute of it? Why will it not go away? I deleted his number from my phone. I threw away every reference I had of it, off caller ID and everything, just to prevent drunk phone calls that make me sound rather pathetic. They should install breath-a-lizers on phones. Drunk phone calls wherein I am alternately mad and sad, missing him. Masochism.

I thought I had deleted his email address and all ways of contacting him. But I ran across an email this morning. Why did I email him? Why was I totally honest in saying that I still think of him, and hope he is okay. I of course left out the part about hoping he rots in hell, but I figure since I only think that 1% of the time, it doesn’t count anyway. Why do I feel the need to be so open with my feelings for him? Masochism.

It’s like a wound, a sore that is scabbed over. It would normally take a bit of time to heal, but I keep picking at it. I scratch it until it is sore and open again, thus making it take more time to heal. Why can’t I just keep my hands off it? Masochism.

AltumHunksUnite 53M

7/14/2005 5:28 am

So, he just up and disappeared?

You're no more a masochist than anyone else who had someone in their life and misses them, which means you aren't one at all. Just someone who misses someone and is looking for closure, that's all.

Let me drive. I like the view


SunneyOne 44F

7/14/2005 11:26 am

Yup, left my apartment on a Friday morning, with plans of what we were going to do all weekend. Supposed to call and come back after work that night. No call, no show, no explanation. *shrug* Weird thing is... this was the SECOND time that happened. You've been around me, Cleavis, I don't stink do I?


heavensent1123 52F

7/15/2005 6:25 am

As hard as it is Sunney, you have to let go. I know it hurts, been there myself a time or two and STILL kicking myself in the ass for it. And no you don't stink, I only met you once but I think you'r a really great person. Is just time to admit the truth to yourself, it was more a 1-2 or 3 night stand kinda thing, if he doesn't call or even attempt to contact you then let it go. Believe me I know it hurts, you think theres something wrong with you, that you aren't GOOD enough, pretty enough or intelligent enough, ect. ect. hell I was even considering plastic surgery at one point. The upside is I got to the I really hate you and I hope you rot in hell phase, so at least it doesn't hurt anymore. There are phases to grief and your still stuck in the first, denial. Some things just aren't meant to be, for whatever reason. I still haven't given up hope that eventually I'll find the right one. Not saying that means marriage or anything, not sure I'd want to do that again, but who knows, will take it as it comes. Just don't let one or two jerks ruin it for you. And get rid of the stuff sunney, if you have to burn it in the garbage with a really nasty letter letting out all your feelings, and don't try to contact him again. Guys aren't crazy about past lovers contacting them, as they see it they were right to leave, especially if shes a stalker, not true but they justify it in their mind, their total lack of consideration and not at least being man enough to say hey it was fun but not want I want right now.


newtothisdeal 46M/42F

7/15/2005 9:55 am

wow........waht a story....."Is it still masochism if you inflict it on yourself?" yes it is but then it is called sadomasochism.


SunneyOne 44F

7/15/2005 8:11 pm

Aww, heaven, thanks. I'm sending you big giant hugs. I needed a lil shake up from a sister, the shake you by the shoulders then hug ya kind of thing. Thank you, really.


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