Confusion  

SunneyOne 43F
2146 posts
7/27/2005 7:47 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Confusion


This morning I woke up terrified. I was confused. I didn’t know where I was, if there was supposed to be someone there with me, or if someone was in my apartment. I wasn’t sure not only what day it was, but I wasn’t even sure of the month. I reached out to the other side of the bed and was surprised that no one was there, for some reason. I’m not sure why. There hasn’t been anyone on the other side of the bed in over a year. It took about 7 minutes for me to shake off the panic and confusion and to get a grip on where I was, who I was and what was going on.

Seven minutes is an awfully long time to panic.

I managed to get to the bathroom, though I wasn’t sure where it was, and put cold water on my face. When that didn’t work, I went back to the bedroom and stared at the clock trying to get some clarity. I’m not sure if I woke up in the middle of a dream, of REM sleep, or if all my synapses just weren’t firing right.

When things started to become clear, I got in a very cold shower, hoping that the freezing water would wash away the unease that I was left with. Clarity came, and all I was left with was a profound sense of sadness and loneliness.

Sometimes things are like that. I miss something I may have never had, or that I am not even sure what it is, or was. I just know that I don’t have it now.

The sun came up, outside and in, and I have gone on with the day. Things are normal, the same. I’m the standard happy girl that people know, cracking jokes, teasing my boss and co-workers, sending silly emails to my mother. But inside, I feel like I am only one step away from that sinkhole. That crevasse is too close. I wonder if it will happen again, and I’m afraid of waking up that way. Maybe I just need to find out who I am, get a grip on where I am in my life, and where I’m going.

eroticneurotic 46M

7/27/2005 1:03 pm

There, there Sunneyone, everything is alright now. You probably just woke out of a bad dream that you don't remember and deep level REM combined. I've had that same feeling before, and it's wierd at the time, almost like paranoia, huh? Besides, do any of us really know who we really are or where we're going anyway?


SunneyOne 43F

7/27/2005 7:26 pm

Awww, thanks erotic. You're probably right. It was very strange though, not quite as melodramatic as it sounds now.


grthnd59 57M
228 posts
7/28/2005 10:12 pm

Dramatic or not SunneyOne, panic is as real as the terror that creates it. All of the chemicals are real, the disorientation, the grappling, and I'm not sure erotic that everthing is alright. We learn our best lessons when things are not totally right.
Going on with our day is what we do. It most certainly is what you do, or you couldn't do what you do. Better to try and reconcile with the profound sense of sadness and lonliness.
If you can answer, and at this point time is working against you, are the two related? Can you possibly believe that such an obviously talented, vivacious, intelegent, cutie would be alone for long once the sadness parts?
Possible, yes, and covered well with the flirt you do. I hope I get the chance to look into those eyes and get a sense on what's in there. Could you fill me in on the where of the M&G on the 6th.
Till then... BB


LovableEclectic 59F

7/30/2005 5:39 pm

Oh Sunney what a horrible way to start the day! A minute can seem like an eternity when you are in a panic - I don't even want to think of how 7 minutes felt. I'm just glad you are back to the Sunney we know and love.
I like the topics you choose to write about. And I love your writing style. I have found that we share many thoughts and opinions. Sometimes I know what I feel but cannot express it - then I read your writings and feel some sort of...validation, for lack of a better word.
Anyway, when you wrote that felt you may have been missing something you never had to begin with it hit home. Lately I've found myself searching, often subconsciously, for that certain something I am missing. No real concrete thoughts - just a tugging sensation within. I feel the loss most when I am shutting down for the day and trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night, disoriented and sad.
I hope that was the last of such an unsettling experience for you. And Sunney, I hope you find what you are missing.


SunneyOne 43F

7/31/2005 2:22 pm

grthnd59 - Meet & Greet details are on the board. This coming Saturday at 7pm at Shooters in Largo. Hope to see you there.

Loveable - That means a lot to me, thank you. Hope to see you Saturday too!


rm_sharksnsails 46M
738 posts
2/3/2006 5:50 pm

like when i wake to the echo's of children, my children....


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