Blog entry 1... The beginning  

StartingOverAt40 50M
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1/7/2006 8:45 pm

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3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Blog entry 1... The beginning

After reading some other blogs here, I thought maybe I should create my own. If not for any other reason, to try and make some sense of my life. This is my own theropy.

To make a long story short, my marriage of 9 years is about to end. This blog is based around all that has happened over the years, and my daily thoughts and ramblings.

For as long as I can remember, I always believed you got married once. Even as a young kid I believed in this. Maybe it was because my parents were together until the day my dad died, a few months short of my 18th birthday.

That said, I was 100% faithfull to my wife, both in body and mind. Only once did I come close to messing that up, and I'm thankfull I sobered up before something happened that I would have regretted dearly.

I wish I could say the same about my wife.

She has had a brief physical affair, but we worked through that. The real problem now is that she truely believes she is in love with someone that she knows over the internet. They have never met, but that's what she believes.

Its not real. It is only part of what a relationship is. It is so easy to say the right thing across a computer screen. It is quite another to be there, in person, dealing with life's endless up and downs.

She doesn't love me. She hasn't in a long time. Though, she was very good at hiding it and lieing about it. She isn't sexually attracted to me. Again, something she hasn't felt in 7+ years.

We really never fought. Usually just stupid stuff. And again, not often. We had sex all the time. I knew she wasn't happy with some things, but little did I know how deep it went.

In December, on our 9th wedding anniversary, I knew something wasn't right. I had gone out the night before looking for flowers and maybe some jewelry. Unfortunately I just couldn't find any jewelry that fit her personality. I figured I would save that for a special Christmas gift.

I left the flowers and a card out for her to find the next morning. She was thankfull, but again something was off. We both went to work, and had decided this year we just wouldn't make a big deal of it all. We would just have a nice dinner at home with the kids.

We did cook a great dinner. Something we both worked on and it came out great. After getting the kids to bed, we headed into the bedroom.

As we laid there, again I could sense that something just wasn't right. And I really hate that feeling, becuase its right way too often. So I pressed her and she finally spit it out.

"I want a seperation"

Another right hook out of the blue.

I say another becuase this wasn't the first out of the blue knock out punch she's landed. I had absolutely no idea this was coming. If you were a fly on the wall and watched our daily lives, you wouldn't believe it either.

She isn't happy and is afraid to live the life her uncle had. Living in a unhappy marriage. She doesn't feel for me the way I feel for her. She still wonders how her internet love is doing. When I discovered all that I had them break it off over 7 months ago. (this was in fact all a lie, because she had contacted him again in novemember).

I guess I should have inquired more when she kept saying "lets just make this a good christmas for the kids." I didn't realize she was thinking it would be their last as a family all together. She still wanted us to have sex. And for her, it was just that. Sex. It wasn't love making. I just couldn't. I was so crushed.

And yet I still love her. More so now then the day we got married. I am the lovers fool.

There's a lot to all this. And I figure it will be many blog entries to get it all in. So bare with me while I pour my heart and soul into this.

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