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Can't seem to find my place
Can't seem to find my place
I was just thinking about how I don't fit in anywhere really. I never have. All through my younger years in school from grade school all the way to high school, I was the smart one and being a short small kid didn't help either. The closest I got to a good group of friends was in my junior year of high school thanks to being in band. Even then, I wasn't exactly part of that group either. I was left out of most things. When you are in the top of your class, you get told things will get better when I'm older.
Fast forward to my college years and things went the same for me, except this time, I wasn't as smart as the smart ones, but smarter than the others. I was stuck in the middle and not good enough for one and too good for the other. So I did my own thing. It's all I could really do. I was left getting stuck with horrible roommates and finally having a single room to myself for a couple of years.
Then I went off to med school and kept doing my own thing, which hurt me. I didn't get chances to learn what I could because in that setting, you teach each other. I was the odd man out. I did okay in some courses and suffered in others, but I was still stuck in the middle. I couldn't turn to anyone except professors. I missed out on some very excellent opportunities simply because I was out of the loop.
I'm in my clinical years now and my interests still clash with my colleagues. Outside of the hospital, they do their thing and I do mine. It helps being close with the people you work with and they simply don't want to get that close to me. I have no idea what it is about me that keeps them at a distance. All I know is that I tend to stand up for myself more than they do. What's stupid is that things as simple as the music I listen to and the food I eat somehow single me out more than my general personality.
Now even my own family is a force to be reckoned with. I can't rely on them when I need them. My parents are both in medicine, but they didn't go to med school. Anything I ask is beyond what they are able to answer. My own (younger) brother refuses to even speak to me on most days. Sibling rivalry is a common thing, so I am just giving him his space until he has a little more life experience under his belt.
So I look at all of this and tell myself the same thing again and again. "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." I've done okay on my own and most people don't get as far as I have I suppose. I just wish I had someone to relate with to share thoughts and kick back with. I have my girlfriend and she's helped me with a few things, but I'm her backbone more than she is for me. Like I said in my blog introduction, I'm always misunderstood. People just don't get me. I just don't see what it is about me that is so difficult to grasp. The page I'm on isn't written backwards or scattered into torn pieces. I'm just in a different book.
It's kinda why I have this blog. My sexual nature is free to flow here right along side my serious and headstrong attitude that drives me to speak my mind. You don't have to respond to this one, k? I just had an inkling of regret about who I have become and needed to vent.
5/7/2006 9:53 am
Good post. Very open, honest and articulate. I think there are a lot of different drummers on this site, which is what makes it so interesting.|