False Evidence Appearing Real or Snakes on Plane  

AstirRelicLatah 64M
1288 posts
8/30/2006 6:26 am

Last Read:
9/13/2006 5:47 pm

False Evidence Appearing Real or Snakes on Plane

I’ve used this acronym for fear several times over the last few days. It must mean I need to write about it and facing our fears.

For the last day or so I’ve spent a fair amount of time (OK a ridiculous amount of time) reading others blog postings. Over and over I read about failed relationships or relationships that are non starters. I also read a tremendous amount about lack of trust or fear of trusting.

Then out comes one of the dumbest movies of all times, one that is primed to scare the wits out of us….Snakes on a Plane. Now, if there were really poisonous snakes let loose on a plane that would engender real fear and not false evidence appearing real. Real fear for me equals danger…fake fear equals risk.

What happens if we take a risk and it doesn’t work out? At the very least, our ego is hurt…none of us like to make mistakes and will often do everything in our power to make believe that we don’t make them….but, the reality is we all make them and sometimes they are really spectacular…..

Another thing happens when we take risks and make mistakes is we get to live in denial for anywhere from a few minutes to many years….The supposed pain of the mistakes we make is just too much.

Personally, I wouldn’t give up any of the mistakes I’ve made….some of them have been life threatening….I wouldn’t even give up those mistakes; they helped me learn some very, very important lessons.

Does making mistakes and giving improper trust hurt? Sure, and I’ve more than once wanted to crawl into a corner, get in a fetal position and stay like that for ever….The issue for me is not doing dumb things, trusting improperly or taking poor risks, it’s not learning from them when I do….

My favorite question these days is “what did I learn”? In one of my former companies I had signs posted around the company that outlined the seven stages of admitting a mistake…I made this up one day when I was working with one of our front line employees. What I realized is that making a mistake is very similar to mourning the death of a loved one….and, in many respects that’s what we do….mourn the vulnerability of ourselves. If instead, we moved directly to what did we learn, just think about the energy that would be released….

My belief is there are thousands of perfect matches for us…each of these people can add a little more to our lives. There isn’t one perfect person, there’s thousands of perfect people….we just need to get off the idea that one person can fulfill all of our needs…for me, that fallacy causes more pain and anguish than almost any belief we have.

It’s interesting for me to observe that same sex friends add lots of different spice to our lives. For many of us, though, we have such different expectations of opposite sex friends that we never allow those friendships to grow.

Mistakes of the heart are certainly painful…the learning that comes out of them is and has been so strong for me that I’m personally not willing to continue trying and playing…..I try and learn from my primary relationship as well as the satellite ones I have…they all add a tremendous amount to my life and I hope I add a lot to theirs also.

I’m curious as to what your feelings are about fear (false evidence appearing real) as it relates to trust and relationships….I have a feeling that this is an important question for many of us on this site. What do you think? Thanks.

JuicyBBW1001 54F

8/30/2006 6:45 am

I use to see this sign on the road on the way to school. It said
"Don't be afraid to go out on a limb because that is where the fruit is."
I sometimes trust too easily, but over the last couple of years I have found myself hanging on to the tree trunk when it comes to relationships. Not really sure I know why either since trust was always given and then withdrawn when reason was given to withdraw it.
Maybe some day someone will come along and coak me out on the limb again. Good post it made me think.


AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 5:29 am:
That's my whole point...giving trust might cause some ego pain, but not physical pain...you can give and hold back at the same time. Most of the time our fears are not well founded.

rm_aWench4U 61M/61F
741 posts
8/30/2006 1:42 pm

I think I trust entirely too easily in certain areas, but am rather suspicious in others. However, I don't think my hesitancy is a result of false evidence, but rather is born of the lessons learned in prior situations. Several phrases illustrating this concept come to mind:

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result."

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!"

"You're going to make mistakes in this life so at least have the decency to make a new one each time."

I don't mean to imply that everything I fear is defensible, or based on past experiences. No, I fear certain changes simply because they are unknown. But in a broad sense, I suppose I could extrapolate the results of previous changes and apply the same trajectory to the current change and rationalize my fear. Or I could accept it as the roll of the dice, the spin of the wheel, or the luck of the draw and take it on faith, trusting it will all work out. Easier said than done, I know, especially in the area of relationships.

I’ve been hurt once too often and my fear, rational or not, is that if I am hurt again, it will prove fatal–-at least to the hope of any future relationships. So I remain wary, but with the slightest drop of optimism.

Remember the past but do not dwell there.
Face the future where all our hopes stand.


AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 5:32 am:
In my mind there's a difference between fear and staying away from situations that don't work. Fear or false evidence applies to situations we haven't been in before...Staying away applies to situations we have been in before and we don't want to call ourselves crazy...*grin*. I also like your three statements, I've used the insanity one several times. Thanks for your comments, insightful as always.

wickedeasy 67F  
26819 posts
8/30/2006 4:44 pm

i have learned more from my mistakes than from all of my triumphs. and yanno skier - it isn't just the humbling part - it's that if you haven't felt it, really felt it........well you can convince yourself that it's okay

i like this post a lot


You cannot conceive the many without the one.

AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 5:33 am:
Thanks, I figured you would get what I was talking about here.

catkit13 66F

8/30/2006 6:59 pm

in my own relationships, what i can give is at least as important as what i get from it. and, in risk-taking, disappointment, betrayal, and the like, the most important question i have to ask is: what is MY role in this situation? usually, once the denial stage has passed, i can see more clearly that there never is black/white or right/wrong . . . but as you've said, sometimes the period of denial can last way too long!
having said that, i really do try to go thru life trusting people until and unless they prove themselves not worthy of my trust - i can't see living in a paranoid-type mindset, each day is too important to waste like that
your friend in the desert, cat

AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 5:35 am:
Denial was one of my seven steps that I had posted in my company...We often spend so much time denying we had anything to do with the problem, that we never look at what our role was and what we could have done differently...Thanks for adding to the conversation. Your friend in the tundra. *grin*

ShyWhisper2006 53F
15175 posts
8/31/2006 4:39 am

Good point made about , no one person is perfect to fulfill us...I had not thought of that, before...Now if only others realized this and not let petty jealousy wreck something that is enriching and good for all involved...I think it is a splendid way to look at things. Thank you

AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 5:36 am:
In my opinion, it's setting expectations. I'm actually working through some issues on this point myself. I've always called this the independent/dependent relationship. I like the imagery of that sort of relationship with those who are close to me. Thanks for stopping by.

rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
8/31/2006 10:56 am

I just received some "wise words" in an email from a friend. A couple of them seemed appropos to this discussion, so I'm including them.

"Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

Like Angel, I tend to trust too easily and it has occasionally come back to bite me in the ass, but more often than not, it pays off. Trust begets trust. I believe that very strongly. Perhaps I have my legendary (in my own mind anyway) rose-colored glasses on, but it has proven to be true most of the time. I like to think I'm not really afraid of much of anything ('cept spiders!) but there are times I'm reluctant to face me. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find? I've certainly had many "mistakes of the heart" but I've learned from each of them and have tried to keep what I've learned close as I once again give a piece of my heart away. It's kinda big, so there's plenty to share.

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.

AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 6:13 pm:
I think the biggest thing about trust is finding trust in ourselves...Once we allow that trust for ourself, we're able to open up to others and accept the learning experiences that come along with them....we might even to laugh at ourself a little....I've known for a while that my true purpose in life is amuse others....and, I do a really good job of it through my actions. *grin* thanks.

rm_shannee2006 52F
3355 posts
8/31/2006 4:46 pm

I don't think that I can add a whole lot to this....and as you mentioned, I kinda answered the few questions you had at the end of this post in my own blog in the last day or two. I think the best part of this post had to do with expectations of relationships...the part about expecting one person to meet all your needs. Ridiculous that is....

Yup...this juiciness is from me....


AstirRelicLatah replies on 8/31/2006 6:10 pm:
Not so much ridiculous as an unfortunate moray that most of society lives by...We are all so complicated and multifaceted...now can one person figure it all out?

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