|Blogs > Sizzle364 > So there I was...|
What do I do Now?
What do I do Now?
Have you ever done something out of anger, that you regretted and then were too proud or scared to apologize or do anything about it? Have you lashed out or gotten angry because a significant person in your life could not figure out, what to do about your mood or your emotion?
I was reminded tonight..that for all of my pleaser sensibilities, all the women I have known and all that I know about women...there are a few things that I will never understand.
Unfortunately, for me I suppose, they are also things that I will NEVER agree with or tolerate.
I am a person, with feelings. A man that is not afraid to talk about what I am thinking or to express his concern or caring.
I can be the hardest sumbitch in the valley if you are on my shitlist...more often than not, if you've done me wrong...I let Karma handle it. Karma has often done far worse to people that have done me wrong than anything I might have thought of.
Even though it sounds egotistical, for those that don't know me or have a clear understanding of what I mean...I discovered a long time ago, that the worse thing I could do to a person is to walk away...to cut my involvement. That way they are reminded for the rest of their lives at various points or in certain situations, exactly what they did STUPID. Every date or relationship they get into, they are reminded...hmm, Siz did not treat me that way. Business people are reminded ... hmmm, Siz told me that was going to happen.
Every woman that I have ever been involved with (Involved meaning actual relationship) has tried to come back.
This does not make me happy. It makes me sad and angry.
Because for the life of me, I can't understand why they just didn't try to communicate in the first place. I have scared women that were suspicious and not used to someone being as upfront with their feelings as I am. They have not been used to it. I suppose that is what does it, as far as them trying to return. They realize somewhere down the line, that I wasn't lying...
Tonight...I visited my Son that is incarcerated. I met up with his mother at the facility. In trying to ...expedite this explanation.
Our separation moved to a divorce, because of pride and anger.
Assumptions, Lies and fear.
She thought I was cheating... I wasn't
She was frustrated and exhausted with our companies...
she tried to explain it to me, but her way of letting me know, included waiting until she was boiling mad and catching me walking in the door to our house or waking me up in the middle of the night to argue.
Various business practices and agreements she did not agree with..she is a very straightforward woman that tries to be uncomplicated. Unfortunately some of the agreements she had issue with, she was not privy to what the agreement was.
ie: A producer telling me, that he will wait for xyz to happen with an artist contract for their fee to be paid, then getting into trouble before that happens and trying to get me to advance them money. My feeling is this. If YOU make an agreement, stick to your agreement. If I am able to assist you, I will, but I make my plans according to the agreement we enter into. So an emergency on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine...
I'm getting off track...
Suffice it to say, that it became obvious after a while that the divorce was not something that she REALLY wanted. We simply had come too far and hurt each other, accused each other too much to stop the ball. I caught her in everything she tried to cover up. More importantly, the kids caught her in everything she tried to cover up. Instead of her stopping or apologizing or simply saying... Let's work this out. She took the stance of...
I'm grown...I can do what I want to do...
All of that is true. No argument there, but it is truly NOT what you can do, but what you SHOULD do, that should dictate your actions in the big scheme of life. (example: I have the knowledge, strength and agility to walk up to a random person on the street and snap their neck. One move. less than two seconds. I CAN do that... but I SHOULD NOT do that. ...sorry, best example I could think of at the moment).
Long story short. My son is having a serious problem. Has been every since we split up. His way of dealing with it, has been getting into trouble, because he feels his family can't be fixed, he has pent up anger at his mother, for breaking up the family, he feels lost and angry at authority, because they always want to "MAKE" him do things. Wanting Attention. No one addresses the cause of his problem and when they do...unfortunately they are usually in some authoratative position rather than as a friend. Which is what he needs. A positive friend.
I am caught in the middle of trying to be supportive and positive, but at the same time, I am angry... angry because her fear and emotions, caused her to run wih a situation that she did not really want. That situation has caused so much pain and turmoil within me, our kids and within My Ex.
She has been reminded over and over of things that I have said were going to happen. She has watched my seemingly paranoid theorys come to fruition. She is reminded by our kids constantly... both verbally and unintentionally when they have various issues. Karma...
Over the years our communication has been a rollercoaster. good sometimes, bad sometimes, great other times and non-existent on occassion.
Tonight, my ex was reminded again of our son's pent up anger and hostilities... I am not mean enough, insensitive enough or crass enough to say it out loud...but...she knows me. She knows that I was thinking it and if she didn't know that "I" was thinking it, she had it in her mind herself...
"If we had not broken up, our son might not be going through this."
When we left the facility he is in. we were both trying to choke back tears as each of his counselors and teachers repeated the mantra that we have both heard about our son over and over and over again. He is WAY too smart. He is capable of more than a lot of these kids...He is polite,educated, he is not a thug, he is a good kid...blah, blah, blah... we can't understand what is wrong. We don't know how to get to him...
I know... I've known all along. I knew it before it happened.
I tried to tell everyone from judges, teachers, counselors, my ex...etc. What we all were going to face.
Because it had not happened yet, no one believed me.
I didn't say it to my kids. How did it turn out exactly as I said to his mother...almost 6 years ago.
We got into her car. Visibly shaken. Hurt and angry, I asked her why she was mad, when I was feeling hurt that our child was going through this. She responded that she was hurt. That as a parent no one wants to see their child go through this. That our son had to take responsibility. Just leave her alone!
"LEAVE YOU ALONE ?" The same attitude our son has. The same attitude we want him to stop. The same attitude that gets him into trouble. I pointed it out to her, because I really could not take anymore of this. I pointed out how I had been trying to talk to her to discuss our kids, but she never made the time to do it.
I had notified her i wanted to talk and then suggested she call me, when she had some time. I pointed out that she could not call me with the attitude of "OK...TALK!!!" at spur of the moment times with THAT ATTITUDE. I am trying to problem solve. Not argue. Calling me with a "Let's get this over with, so I can feel good about the fact that I called you and tried to talk like you wanted" attitude...is not going to fly. I'm past the superficial, let's go through the motions. I want results.
Unlike some of our previous conversations, I could tell she was trying not to yell or take things out on me. She said she didn't want to talk about it. I have learned. I said, fine and left it alone.
A few minutes later, she said...I'm sorry. Something that i am not used to hearing come from her lips. She mentioned that she never wanted this to happen. She mentioned that after the breakup she only wished the best for me. Success.
I am confused. You left me...why is it important for you whether I am successful or not. I wanted to scream that. I've wanted to scream that for a long time, but i didn't. Previous conversations, hints. comments about the future, the fact that she stole my dog for about 2 weeks. The dog that she wanted nothing to do with.
The one she wanted us to give up. I can't explain in this little space, but there is almost six years of random comments and random unexplained actions that an angry person just would not say or do. Various strangers, relatives and even my sons have commented...she wants to come back.
I have known this in the back of my head all along.
She wants to come back, but she doesn't know how to do it.
She wants to come back, but what will her parents, her friends say...?
The ones that have repeatedly turned their backs on her. The ones that were all too helpful in helping our break up and suggesting ways for her to "Get over me".
She wants to come back, because we never should have let it get that far.
She wants to come back, but her Pride won't let her...
She wants to come back, because now she sees all too clearly, everything that i have said to her for 6 years.
The situations and losses that we have both suffered have taken its toll. Her bankruptcy, my financial state. The jobs we both hate, the cars we lost, the luxury downtown hi rise, the building, the equipment, the money... more importantly the trust, the confidence, the intimacy, the stability within ourselves and our kids, the damage done...
There was a time, where all she needed to do to fix our relationship would have been to walk up and hug me and simply say, let's work on this...
Now, after all of this time, with me about to regain everything that I have lost business wise and financially...with my desires and wants different. It is not so simple. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon, but I did more than a lot of kids in my immediate vicinity. My parents afforded me a wide range of opportunities and exposed me to many people and cultures. Because I always "seemed" to have a little more than most of the other kids, I developed a complex. Do you like me or do you like what you think you can get from me? When I finally achieved having a lot, it was the same thing. I was working my ASS off to keep the things that others percieved came easily for me. Netting a hundred grand off of 350K a year, creates a nice illusion of being rich, but it ain't rich. That complex has carried over. I believe one of the issues that also holds her back, is a stability issue. There are things that I have hid from everyone. Plans...
upcoming events...things that I have acquired. I don't trust like I used to... My complex carries over when I "Read" her mind.
Is it me, that you might possibly want back or is it "Stability ?"
Is it concern for our kids or is it realizing I was telling the truth?
All of these thoughts crossed my mind, as we sat in her car...both of us still fighting back tears.
It can never be again. Not only because she will never bring herself to say what is needed to make me feel comfortable about it, but because that complex will always have me guessing.
I guess, I also tried to get into a relationship quickly, before all of the events of next year. I simply wanted to know that the person cared for me, rather than what I might be able to do for them.
Tonight I realized a few things:
1. I have exposed the very thing that I fear on this blog, these past few months. By using this is my own therapy to say what I had no one else to say these things to... I have painted myself in a corner. Because any one that has read these posts...I may not be able to rid my complex, unless they are very straightforward, communicative and open with me. They are going to realize who I am and some of what I will bring to the table in the future.
Its easily hid in real life, with my current dire straights and dead end job, but look closely...and it is easy to see, wha is about o happen.
2. I realize now that my protective angels. My Karma. Has achieved their mission once again. My Ex is hurting. She is hurting bad.
3. What I have known about myself as far as excelling when I am in a relationship is so very, very true in my make up. I have taken a long time. Too long ... to heal. To prepare. To return to what I am capable of.
4. That my pain, anger and my complex. My assumptions of her feelings and why a woman does the opposite of what they feel too often. Has kept me from bugging her, trying harder a long time ago to get back into the relationship.
5. That while I waited for her to decide what she wanted and to let me know. waited for her to realize that all i said to her was true. She was waiting for me... to ride in on the white horse.
Something i couldn't do in this case, because it wasn't clear.
I didn't and don't like to MAKE people do anything. Even if i could. So I view pressing my issues as "bugging" someone.
I can do it in business, but not in personal.
It became all too clear, holding back tears. Holding back her usual comments, the apology...
When I told her that I was not attacking her in expressing my feelings about us not talking...she turned and said...
That she "IS" attacking me...
Please DO something...
10/27/2005 3:01 pm
As usual, painfully honest and heart felt. It's an unfortunate part of human nature that there are those who will want you for what you are, not who you are. Some times it's not obvious. I believe you will know (no matter where you find her) that her love is for YOU ~ not your achievements or possessions. You will feel it, I hope!|
Yagotta get it soft and wet so we can kick/stick it
10/27/2005 6:51 pm
You are in rough waters bro. I know the very same feeling quite too well. Being in my line of work and how i party, i started getting these gut feelings myself..who is my friend and who is here because i drop $300.00 at the bar and have total control of the club. I am about to turn 34 and just realizing who is and who isn't my friend. One guy, that was sooo close to me, ate dinner at my mothers house every holiday because his family is up north. He happens to be the head bartender at a club i am V.I.P. in. Well, we would chat all the time and talk about the upcoming weekends, until i started spending less time and money there. Now, i haven't been there in 6 weeks and i haven't heard from him. I realize now our so called friendship was really just him using me for leverage at the bar because i brought in the crowds and i brought in the chics, not to mention i made his house payment every month with my tabs. Look at some of my earliest blogs and check out the pics. I would have 8lbs of strawberries, bowls of chocolate and cases of champagne on special event nights for my crew. For the longest time, i just thought the hell with it you only live once. Now i realize what a fool i was for so many years. I have always had trust issues with chics, and now i realize it is a human thing, not a gender thing.|
Take care and make your decisions wisely. It is hard with all of the factors; the kids, the past, too much water under the bridge...I wish you well. My be a weekend down in the sunshine state with MikeyB would cheer you up? The cd's i made for you will be shipped out next week...
10/27/2005 9:56 pm
WOW! sizz all I can say is you know what to look for and that puts you ahead of the game and as long as you do communicate your feelings then that person should know where they stand and how your doing your thing,you got your skull cap screwed on the right way and I feel you will be blessed just keep on keepin on thats all you can do|
10/27/2005 10:23 pm
my dearest Siz,|
takes your head into my hands
gently kisses your lips
Let be..and Let God!
I know this is hell for you...
let it out!
I am sorry for your pain and the childrens pain as well-
Sometimes the road back is bumpy, but the view is new...
Castle Open 24/7
10/28/2005 5:44 pm
Forgiveness is something|
someone is expected to give..
but should not expect to get it..
Love and the heart..
battered and bruised..
What is is real..
What is not..
is not enough to
save us from pain..
Often it causes us
more pain then pleasure..
For better or worse..
rich or poor..
thru good times and bad..
in sickness and in health..
My precious beauty
search your soul..
You already know what the answers are
Do what is right for you..
Even though it may bring pain to your children..
You will find happiness
and smile again..
You know where I am
if you need me..
10/28/2005 10:22 pm
hey man, i don't think I can tell you anything you don;t already realize, but I feel your frustration. I know how infuriating it can be to know exactly what is going on and still somehow seem unable to do anything about it. Sometimes there is absolutely NO consolation in being right. I am sorry you are going through this.|
10/29/2005 5:40 am
Siz - I've read this post 2 days ago, and I'm here now again, still with no sound advice. Finding someone to love you for who are are, the real you, the you that may not be revealed to most you encounter on a daily basis is perhaps the hardest challenge an individual faces. Do you listen to your head? Do you follow your heart? It can drive you plain mad. You have to do what is best for you. That's the only way you do what's best for the others in your life. Like I said, no real sound advice here. Just and ear and a shoulder if you need them. Many hugs - DT|
10/29/2005 3:18 pm
Sizz...I think that as we pass through life we begin to realize many things that maybe we ignored or never realized while it was happening. Afterthoughts...we are all guilty of them, taking stock, realizing who our friends are and who is important in our lives. But all these experiences, good or bad, or placed upon us by others or ourselves make us who we are today. Follow your instinct as your inner sense is never wrong even if it makes no sense every moment you think about it...just be you..|
10/29/2005 10:56 pm
Yagotta...Hopefully...and hopefully I will not let it slip by because i just didn't realize it.|
KJ...Thanks love...still missing our chats, can't catch up with each other.
Mikey...Thanks. I definately do need some R&R. I keep getting invites to come down to Florida too...LOL. Just got one from Tommy Pooch's company, VIP for some event with Jamie Lynn Discala from the Sopranos...maybe a week ago.
Wetty...Not sure I am understanding you correctly. IM me tomorrow, if you can...
Puss... I appreciate your words...and I apppreciate our friendship. Trying to do what is right for me, but I could never hurt my boys.
10/29/2005 11:06 pm
Five- Speed... Thanks. You know exactly how I feel.|
DT...Thanks!!! It is about to get better and worse!!!
Bella...Hmm, afterthoughts...and they were supposed to be friendly... LOL.
10/30/2005 1:00 am
Lips...would you believe your post did not show up until today?|
Thank you baby...I appreciate your words and concern.
10/30/2005 9:32 am
Hey, I wish I had some good advice for you, but I am just as confused as you are. Maybe someday we all will understand why these things have happened to us.|
10/30/2005 11:03 am
It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not.|
10/31/2005 5:30 am
Saintlianna...welcome to Sizzle's. It is indeed a pleasure to have you visit... someday, I hope to have not just a moment of clarity, but peace and resolution... for my sanity and for my kids.|
10/31/2005 9:04 am
While I can in no way shape or form know what it's like to be exactly in your shoes or hers it's hard to comment on this. I've been through the divorce thing, I have the child. I can relate to what you are saying to a degree but noone really ever knows what it is like to walk in another's shoes. However I might be able to shine a little light on one of the points that puzzled you. When you were confused because she wanted you to succeed. |
As a mother you have an instinct that makes you want what is best for your children. That is not to say that a vast majority of mothers don't screw up and make mistakes but..... perhaps she wants you to succeed to give your sons a good example to follow. I know I would give my right eye to have a father that was a good example for my son as opposed to the loser that donated his sperm to create my child and then treats him like property as opposed to cherishing him for the treasure he is and wanting to do everything in his power to help his son have a better life and a better future. I envy your ex for the fact that you are a good father. All the other stuff between you is just that; between the two of you. At least you are doing what it takes to make life better for your children in the long run. You are ensuring that they are not without what they need in life. You try to be a positive role model. You are supportive, even when they screw up and get in trouble. Your boys may not see it now and your oldest one might be throwing up a wall right now but in the long run he will see that you were there for him and he will never forget that.
Remember this Sizz; not all broken homes are a result of divorce. There are plenty of broken homes with parents that remain together. A home is a safe haven, a place to go and know you are always welcome, you are always wanted, and you are always loved. Anything else is just a house, not a home. Even if you and the ex never see eye to eye you can still create that home for your boys and heck, maybe even future children when you find The One. I understand about the trust issues and those aren't all that uncommon really. Hell, I have them and I don't even have the fame or fortune pounding on my door to weigh against it.
For me it was a matter of being suckered one time and ending up being the one to have to support him in everything while he sat back and took advantage of the fact. He was not the one working 10 hrs and then coming home to clean house and cook and care for the child until finally dropping from exhaustion. He wasn't the one that had to suck up his pride and go to the food pantry for a hand out to make sure our child wouldn't starve, hell he didn't even go WITH me. When I divorced him I realized something very true and very powerful; I can do bad by myself. In other words if someone is going to get with me he has to bring something to the table himself. He has to contribute. Because otherwise I'm taking steps backwards instead of forwards. I pulled myself and my child up out of poverty, off of food stamps, off of government housing, off of medical cards and any kind of government assistance. I'm not rolling in the dough or anything but at least I know there will always be a roof over my child's head, food in his belly, clothes on his back, an education, insurance, all the basics and maybe a little leftover for simple luxuries like going to a movie or taking him to the zoo. Meanwhile his father did his damnedest to draw a crazy check from the government and disability checks so he can sit on his ass and be a thug instead of trying to better himself. He's learned to work the system. So while I scrimp and save and do my best to keep our heads out of the water and can't buy my child toys at the drop of a hat or run right out and buy a new video game everytime I see him his father does. What example does that set? Work hard, get stressed, don't have anything fun or sit on your ass, do nothing, draw a check, don't pay child support at all, and get whatever you want. So logically what does a small child think is the best way to go? Yeah...you see the problem. Hence the me willing to give my right eye for a decent father figure.
You're a good man Sizz. Never forget that. What you do will directly effect your children and you are doing the right thing. Succeed, Be strong, and never forget what it is like to love and how to express that love. In time your children will reap the benifits of having a positive role model in thier lives that shows them how a real man is supposed to be. That is true success for any person.
10/31/2005 11:45 am
My GAWD dude!, You opened up the gates with that one! |
I feel very bad for your current situation, makes it suck even worse when we , somehow, know it's gonna play out a certain way. Really really sucks when it does too!! It's too bad you can't take your son along for a better ride than he is currently on. My hopes are with you for a good resolution to his challenges so that he too can move forward with his own life in a productive manner.
You already know it's too late to tear down the walls that have been built between yourself and the X. They are known as an X for a reason and it's far from normal to bring them back to your fold of love and trust. Those things would only lie in the rubble of the walls if they were torn down and hauled away on the dump trucks. But you already know that.
One more thing, try harder to put aside your anger, I know it's still there, your writing discloses such. I too have some with my own situation. It's passing slowly away. There are only so many times we can say, even if we don't make verbal sounds at the time, "I told you so"... EVEN if we are right! It's a phrase that all too often I really do hate hearing within my head or falling from my lips.
from a long time ago......
"Keep yer pecker up Morassy, The sun will shine again!"
10/31/2005 11:28 pm
its the Tit vodoo....|
11/5/2005 12:41 am
KYPlowboy ... Thanks and welcome to Sizzle's|
Curious...Thank you and welcome back...where have you been darling?
Redlips... hmm. Gotta get some garlic to ward off the evil spirit.
11/5/2005 12:07 pm
fotofinshr thank you so very much for your comments here. Whereas, i don't wish this kind of pain on anyone or any child. It is a bit of a comfort to know that someone truly does understand. Be strong my friend and God bless.|
11/11/2005 10:07 pm
I'm truly sorry things didn't work out between you and the ex,sorry your kids are going through this shit,and extremely sorry for your son that is incarcerated.I hope that you can help him through this.Sometimes it's hard for kids to express what is really going on inside them.It's also hard to reach them.My son came home on tuesday.We had a very long talk,hopefully he has decided to do right.He has a very high I.Q. but seems to be one of those kids that refuses to use it.I'm not rambling again,am I? I understand what your going thru and what your son is going thru..and i hope it works out for the better.I know you'll do whatever is needed to help him.He needs your love and understanding more than anything. Wishing only the best for you baby |