|Blogs > Sizzle364 > So there I was...|
The Grinch that stole Christmas...
The Grinch that stole Christmas...
It has been about a week since I really had time to be alone with my thoughts and wow, how they came pouring out last night.
Almost as consistent as the rain drops, I found myself walking in for an hour last night...Christmas Eve.
I have had bad Christmas's before...when I was younger, it seemed like there was always a break up of whoever I was seeing jus before thanksgiving, kind of ensuring I wouldn' be hooked up by Christmas. No, I did not do it on purpose.
Subconsciously? I doubt it, but I have searched my soul wondering if I just didn't realize it. I still come up with no.
There have been the Christmas past where I was struggling before my marriage as an adult and of course there has been the first Christmas seasons without my family after my divorce. Those were pretty tough and devastating.
I normally avoid Christmas songs and get anxiety at the thought of winter...too many bad memories, but then I started to come out of that and actually began to look forward to winter. I would avoid the Christmas songs until...a few days before Christmas, when suddenly the snow or the anticipation of snow (which i normally hate snow) would magically transform. Like a kid I would saunter over to the window casually to look and see if it had snowed...trying to be nonchalant, That same Christmas song by Donny Hathaway would come on that they play every year and there would be my fight to hold back tears...mixed emotions that song brings out...both good and bad. sometimes, I would get caught before I could turn off the radio, listening to "Lonely Christmas" by Prince. The song in which his lover dies of stress and Pneumonia. There would again be tears that I would try to hold back, thinking of the ones I lost. Both to death and to circumstances.
This year...by far has been the strangest and worse. I had no need to avoid Christmas songs, there were not any. No where I went was there any playing. Instead of snow, I got rain. My eldest son, home on a leave called his friends instead of me, my youngest son, who has always been the happiest of children doesn't believe in Christmas anymore...partly because now his mother has become a Jehovah's witness...and they don't celebrate holidays...at least this one. How convenient, I thought.
Channeling the hurt and anger from her past, her running away, her other family issues into the one religion that certainly fits the bill. "Hey!" I can imagine her saying in her mind... "I don't have to feel bad at Christmas, Holidays are unimportant, there is no such thing as Christmas!"
My horoscope tells me to quit blaming other people for my emotional issues, that I alone can change them.
Typical Hallmark...I think.
Whereas, yes...I can attempt to not let it bother me, that ones I give my very soul to are no longer in the same realm, but blame?
Never have I abandoned my kids. Never have I not let them know that I love them beyond life itself. Never have I not listened to them when there was a problem, Never have I not came to their rescue, whenever they needed me...
Today, This is tearing me apart inside...quit blaming others...
If someone was to walk up behind me and stab me, am I not to blame them for my bleeding? What type of SHIT is this? Don't blame others?
Maybe it is a latent issue with my upbringing, or something to do with my size...I've always been a big boy. Slow to anger, understanding, rational. I would make myself approachable and friendly so as to comfort whoever approached. Not make them nervous that I was the stereotypical big black guy from the hood that would kill all suburbanites or rob and them for daring to walk into my path. Ugh...The Bullshit that people believe...but that is another post altogether.
The time has come that I don't give a shit about that anymore.
Everything that I have loved in one way or another has been stripped from me. My business, my love, my heart and now...my kids, moreso than they have ever been. God works in mysterious ways...maybe I have not found the one, because I am not ready for her yet. Maybe I need to regain that part of myself that was me before I even met my EX. A large part of that is my company. Something that not only did I love, but has been an intricate part of me all of my life. Strange that it is on its way back now.
This holiday marks a footnote in time for me. Maybe a new love has not entered my heart, because there is no room in it for what I must do. Regain myself. Regain what I have lost. Regain my soul. The rest of my horoscope says... "If I continue to cling to these notions, my only reward will be getting to be right about having them." I feel there is nothing I can do to change them. What happened, happened. I can't ignore the injustices, the lies, the hurt, the pain and the by-product that it has all culminated in.
There is no more understanding...Fuck it!
There is no more compassion...
There is no more waiting...
no more compromising... No more tears...
only the icy cold that now engulfs my heart.
The same type of cold that a soldiers feels, when he has lost his compadres on the field of battle. The kind of cold that he feels when he corners the one that stole the lives of his friends and stares down at their tear stained, pleading faces and pulls the trigger. The type of cold, when he simply does what has to be done and really does not give a damn about the consequences. No emotions ... Who gives a fuck?
There is only...RETRIBUTION.
12/25/2005 6:17 pm
There is understanding...|
There is compassion...
There must be patience...
Life is full of compromises and EVERYONE sheds tears..
I am sorry to hear about your holiday Siz. I believe this is just another chapter of your life. There are many more chapters to go through.
I remember being a teenager, moving out underage due to my parents going through a terrible divorce. My younger brother and sister were forced to take sides. I chose a different path, my own. I watched my brother, who chose my dad, take out aggression on my mother. I also saw my sister, who sided with my mother, begin to hold anger against my father. Those were terrible times, but as time went on and the kids got older, the meaning of family and love began to settle. We now are more of a family then ever. Every holiday is spent together along with Bdays and other events. Your youngest is going to be strongly influenced by your ex, because he stays with her. Your oldest is just starting his own life and knows his daddy will always be there.(still no excuse to not call) Haven't you ever been out with the boys and forgot to meet or call your girlfriend? You are just taking it harder because of the father role.
I was going to call you and see how you liked the cd's, but i have been stuck at home with an infection in my jaw after the wisdoms got pulled so it hurts when my mouth moves.
By the way, big black guys from the hood don't do those things? LOL
Stay strong brother from another. I hope your New Years goes better for you.
12/26/2005 7:36 am
12/26/2005 12:28 pm
I'm going to watch Jez kick your ass.|
12/26/2005 7:46 pm
*with tears in my eyes*|
I give a fuck...
that's what friends do...
12/26/2005 8:11 pm
Sorry you were feeling this way Sizzle - especially yesterday. I think you've lots of friends who give a fuck. I'm one of them. Only know you from here - but I give a fuck and am sorry you were feeling this way. |
12/27/2005 1:24 am
Jez... Visited my Dad and then spent some time with my mom....My sister was there also.|
I just didn't have my kids and that is what was most important to me.
MikeyB...sorry to hear about your Jaw...looked at the pics you sent and of course you know there are some questions...LOL. Anyway, being the party animal that you are, I feel compelled to ask if your jaw really is swollen from the dentist...LOL!!
Goddess...Thank you ever so much for your e-mail. I appreciate more than you know.
DT...LOL..how cruel! Just because Jez is about the right eye level to kiss...(siz feeling tap on shoulder as someone whispers in his ear...) what was that? huh? oh...really??????
woh...my bad! You said Kick not kiss...LOL. I thought you were trying to be kinky...
12/27/2005 6:46 am
Siz..sorry u were feelin so blue baby. You know things will get better.As for ur son..yes he should have called you..he's jus at a phase in his life that the friends seem to come 1st.He knows u'll always be there.And as for many on here and in ur life..I Give A Fuck. Don't make me beat ur ass...I can do it. lol |
Happy New Year Baby..I'll have a tekillya for ya lol
12/27/2005 11:32 pm
LOL...why do I have so many that love me, wanting to beat my ass...Strange new custom on this planet...HA!!|
12/28/2005 7:33 pm
U know u love it ha ha|