The Fear...  

(Juan S)
3683 posts
11/23/2005 9:45 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The Fear...

Another 24 hours of random musing, in between the phone, the cell, the various e-mail accounts...Oh yeah, My Website is now live and December 18th is fast approaching...
I was told that I am on a Karmic rise...LOL, by more than one person this week... however...
I think that my post "A Picture Tells A thousand words", brought back too many memories. Days of Innocence and fewer responsibilities and...Less Fear.
Rolling through my mind, catch phrases... "Once Bitten, Twice Shy...", "Why buy the Cow, when you can get milk for Free...", "Why buy the whole pig for just a little sausage..." (Yes, I am an equal opportunity basher...LOL )
Amidst the many,many emotions,after my divorce, One of them that I was determined not to lose was my enthusiasm for "The Relationship."
It seems that a lot of a.f.f.'s clientele, myself included, discover this world of photos, blogs and titillation, because of searching for something to fill an empty void.
Yet, through all of the stimulation and flirtation, we remain..."Single" or desirous of "remaining single".
Never wanting to be HURT again. However, aren't we perpetuating the hurt, by allowing the past hurt to dictate and Yes to keep us from allowing someone to touch our souls again? Spending lonely nights wishing for something, yet afraid to venture forth and discover, because..."oops...might not be the right person or OMG, I want to, but..."
I have been on a quest the majority of my life. Not only to live a certain lifestyle (which is a few blogpost in and of itself), but to find that elusive, all consuming relationship...
Many people speak of... "The Magic" happening...
"Something just clicks...", "It will happen, when it happens..."
I HATE YOU PEOPLE ... (Not really. Don't get excited...)
More catch phrases... Falling (HA!!) in Love is by chance, staying in love is by decision...
Isn't it ALL...a decision? You choose to allow someone and yourself, the opportunity to get to know each other...That is a choice, that is where you FALL in Love.
You choose to linger a little too long on a glance at the bar, taking in the lips, the eyes, the continue looking as your blood redirects itself to various erogenous zones of your body creating desire...wetness/hardness. You choose to do something about it. You have wild, climbing the walls Monkey sex and continue to do that for months...somewhere down the line, you actually talk to the person...LOL. Maybe you go out to a movie or dinner and you discover...OMG, Not only am I getting good orgasms, cuddling and my furniture rearranged a few nights a week, but...I actually enjoy this persons company... who'd a thunk it...? LOL
When you're younger it seems, you face these situations with less fear...Its the only thing i can think of to explain, this trend, yet I find so many young people that are determined to stay free and play...they site their parents broken and fucked up relationships, and their parents and parents friends for their views on relationships. Never wanting to marry again, never wanting to date again. Don't want to test the waters... and the ever popular, Yes, I can't stand this bullshit phrase...
"I can do bad by myself. I don't need a man/woman..." Ugh...
The RIGHT relationship enhances your life, often creating a better YOU, than YOU would have done on your own...simple.
The WRONG relationship teaches you what you should be doing, when you get into the RIGHT one... dammit!
We are creating a stronger and more resistant strain of "The Relationship disease"... (collective Yuk, from the audience at the relationship word...). It is a catch twenty two situation, I know...and nobody has the answer. I don't advocate being unhappy just for the kids, but I don't advocate throwing it all away, when MOST of the time, something can be done...
Sorry, if I'm hitting too close to home with some. I'm pondering and questioning. Not judging...
So here are the REAL questions for the day...

1. What does it really take for you...YES give someone an opportunity to touch your heart and not just your body?

2. What does it take to let someone touch your body...?

3. What does it take to finally take that leap from..."Doing everything for yourself", "Doing what "I" want to do..." attitude...
To getting to a state of surrender (for lack of a better word).

I'm staring at my ceiling, looking into the hypothetical mirror of my soul. I'm searching the fact of what I am looking for, and what I have been determined to find. I'm looking at the potential relationships and hook-ups that I have walked away from. Not wanting to hurt or be hurt and simply because they were...not..."The One."
Today I am questioning whether i have been a fool to hold onto an ideal of someone that can love me as intensely as I desire to love someone else.
As much as I have been determined to Dance like no one is watching, in this relationship game...I fear...that I am becoming, exactly what I did not want to be. Cynical. Scared of relationships. Scared of trying. Wanting to just stay single because it is easier... Guess what?
Everyone has to live for themselves. So I don't down it, if that is what makes another person happy. What I am raging against is that "I" am starting to buy into it...and I don't want to.


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
11/23/2005 10:56 am

I see and hear what you're saying here - and the timing is funny really. I had a rotten day at work yesterday and all I could think of in my mind was "Damn...wouldn't it be wonderful to come home and just have someone to melt with." Not necessarily in a sexual way - but in an intimate "hold me close and just let me be" kinda way. I never have a problem allowing people to touch my heart, it's a very open thing and I'm a very "loving" person. Of course my heart has been crushed, it's been splintered and at one point I thought it had been shattered beyond repair but then I learned forgiveness and even more importantly acceptance. So...what do I guard? My Soul. When "he" (whoever he is) comes into my life and sees my soul then surrender will a moot point. That's what I'm holding out for and the "opportunity" is open to every man I meet. I'm not afraid to give my heart if in giving it I gain my soul. Too deep?

I refuse to be cynical - and while it's ok to hold on to an ideal we must all be careful not to let the "ideal" hold on to us. Open up darlin...even when it's wrong - it's good, if, as you say, you're smart enough to learn from it. Kisses sweet Siz.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
11/23/2005 11:26 am

This is very simple, Siz...not necessarily *easy*

To all questions U asked...the answer is: YA GOTTA WANNA

We are all in choice every moment of every day and no choice
IS a choice. When you want to, you will. It is that simple.

The healing starts when the bleeding stops...
Sweetness to your heart...

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

Camille61 50M
15 posts
11/23/2005 12:21 pm

Thanks Sizzle for a thoughtful, well-written blog... it's all the stuff I ponder too!

For me, what opens my heart is a sense that I can "trust", I feel "safe" with you. I think that gets revealed over time and watching what one says and does, not what they say!

I don't know if it's foolish to dream and be an idealist about love... if you can really tell the honest truth to the person you're with -- who you really are, respect them for who they are and not want to change them... Most of all, the telling question for me is: "Am I interested in you, giving to you, loving/supporting you -- as opposed to just getting something out of this for me only?" i.e., Am I operating from selfish motives vs concern about you too as a human being?

Chris Rock does a great monologue on one of his stand up shows on HBO on "The Representative", when two people meet and show not themselves, but who they want you to see... It's hilarious and very true... I think making it past that part; seeing who is really there behind the facade, the mask, the persona... that's when it's time to evaluate/decide if we both want this relationship.

I've jumped in too soon most times and opened my heart too soon. I'm learning (hopefully) to protect my heart until I've gathered enough experience with a person to see if it's in my best interest to continue...

This is such a complex topic and I feel that I have very few answers even after meeting many people. Thank goodness for the long term friendships I've made along the way that help me get through the lonely times! And the other thing I've learned is to stay close to my friends while in a relationship, so as not to put too much pressure on my significant other to be everything for me! I've made that mistake more than once...

Hang in there and believe the "best is yet to come"


spoldrtn812 51F  
1056 posts
11/23/2005 5:42 pm

1. What does it really take for you...YES give someone an opportunity to touch your heart and not just your body?

It takes time effort and communication great sex compassion passion longevity trustworthiness generosity. That is the puff answer, the fact of the matter is, it takes a brother that is willing to accept that I am a bit apprehensive about going the committed route and be patient because I won't hold him accountable for past discretions of others if he can give me time to believe it in my heart. Give me a minute if you think I'm committment material

2. What does it take to let someone touch your body...?

A sincere desire to pleasure me, to pamper me, hot body, sexy lips, bald head, a cool breeze, a severe case of the gotta get some dick- itis, be the bearer of gifts, great smile, loc's beard, goatee appearance, my fantasy, it pretty much reads like this because it is really no telling what moves me to sex what moves me to passion is far more interesting!

3. What does it take to finally take that leap from..."Doing everything for yourself", "Doing what "I" want to do..." attitude...
To getting to a state of surrender (for lack of a better word).

a man that believes males and females have respective roles and is totally comfortable having a woman stay in her place and he keeps her there and is happy there with her!!

As always SIZ you are thought provoking as ever considering I have my own soap box to stand on I'll just answer your questions as requested! pj

Please, Sign my Guestbook Screw me!

tillerbabe 55F

11/23/2005 11:55 pm

You were in my "head" today huh?

(Juan S)
2642 posts
11/24/2005 9:11 pm

Thanks Impish...Yeah, I learn...sometimes too, but I learn...

G1946...Yeah... I know... (sniffle...). Thanks

Thanks Camille. I already know we think alike often...except the concerts we attend...LOL.

Spold...You already know, I find you thought provoking...I believe that going the committed route does take time to develop, but I also believe that in the initial stages sometimes people ask others for a little too much...especially when they don't really know you or know what you like or dislike...then to ask for understanding also... difficult. I guess that's why I like to lay everything out right at the beginning, kind of a commitment to find out if we want to be committed...LOL!

Tiller... You feel it too?

(Princess Lips)

11/28/2005 7:25 pm



you know...


islandgirl_702 54F

11/30/2005 2:01 pm

We must NOT lose faith of WHAT COULD BE because of the FAILURES of our past. Those FAILURES of our past should be a guideline of what NOT to do to those we seek. However, I still believe relationships can reach a blissful existence. There must be compassion, patience, and faith...ACCEPTANCE that we ARE responsible for our OWN investments...yet, if the other half of the WHOLE is unwilling, selfish, or won't be your partner in CULTIVATION of the will distruct...eventually!!

Why is it when the relationship is RIGHT we become conceited enough to take the CREDIT but when the relationship is WRONG we tend to blame others....*******FOR EVERY ACTION THERE IS A "RE"ACTION*****


We must RISK to embrace LOVE
We must HURT to express APPRECIATION
We must hear LIES to value HONESTY
We must feel BETRAYAL to experience LOYALTY
We must see DECEIT to choose who we TRUST
We must learn by FAILURE to strive for VICTORY~~~
BOTH must invest their struggles as ONE..................
1. What does it really take for you...YES give someone an opportunity to touch your heart and not just your body?

HEARS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY EVEN IF HE BELIEVES IT TO BE STUPID...FILLING ME WITH COMPASSION....Instead of allowing me to drown in an event that I did NOT LISTEN to HIM~yet, knowing I am paying from ALL angles of the spectrum.)

Makes me feeling ALIVE NOT just EXISTING in his life ....and....

A woman's desire to want to make everything BETTER. When HE is SAD its a woman's instinct to want to get rid of his sadness...allow her to do so....don't push her away...just for the MOMENT allow her to emotionally take care of you.As you take care of her with guidance, protection and provide the life she is accustomed to. ONE MOMENT in time...and making that ONE MOMENT feel like they are the ONLY TWO in this world....

2. What does it take to let someone touch your body...?
NO COMPROMISES... We HAVE TO CONNECT Intellectually, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually... I must feel SAFE with him. TRUST HIM, its during intamicy he says he would never intentionally try to hurt or harm...

3. What does it take to finally take that leap from..."Doing everything for yourself", "Doing what "I" want to do..." attitude...
To getting to a state of surrender (for lack of a better word).

FOR "US" to comprehend not who made more of the investment, or who is more in control, or who is right/wrong....KNOWING, BELIEVING, AND FEELING...IN LOVE AND BEING LOVED..... is the final reward.....

OOPS FORGOT...and his special touch of making that PUSSY "know" its his PUSSY, those TITTIES "scream" for his touch, MY MOUTH "thirst" to drink his cum...and oh YEAHHHHHHHH....SPANKINGS.....OMG....OMG... ugh...mmmm...ohhhh.....WHY THE FUCK WOULD I GO ANYWHERE BUT HOME AND ALLOW HIM TO MAKE ME IMMOBILE FOR A WEEK....Bet, we'd BOTH finally be BLISSFULLY COMPLETE............

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