For Those who Dare to Dream...  

Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
3683 posts
12/12/2005 11:48 am

Last Read:
3/27/2007 9:12 pm

For Those who Dare to Dream...


Caught up in the glaring light...the uncompromising illumination of my thoughts, feelings and actions...especially the actions...
Perception is an extremely powerful tool... I have used it to woo potential liasons in business and in pleasure, I have used it to avoid physical confrontations and I have used it for building my own confidence...

Daily...my journey through life is taking turns and dips, I am faced with horrors, faced with myself in the mirror, faced with adversaries and as I have been accustomed to...I am faced with watching my detractors fall...at the fate of karma...

What you do, will come back to you...eventually. Good or bad.
This has been a Truism that i have experienced for as long as i can remember.

Another thing that i have learned is that those who give up their dreams will encourage you...to follow suit... sometimes the pressure proves to be too much..and many have fallen to it.

As a teenager, I met, hung out with and was included in a peer group of very talented musicians and seriously dangerous martial artist...some of the funniest people I have ever met...LOL!

One by one...I watched as they became lawyers, doctors, heads of record labels, homeless, drunks, suicidal victims and just...married. It was something that I could not comprehend...something I vowed would never happen to me...
When I finally got married...I was determined not to give up my dreams, as I viewed the person that would make me choose between my passion for creativity and them, really did NOT love me... Of course being older...it is, I believe, a matter of balance...
or is it?

Foolishly, when I was married, I kept many things locked inside of my heart and my head. Deeming that situations just were the way that they were and there was nothing that could change them.
Through a long bout of soul searching after my divorce, I returned to the realization that it is "Perceptions". My Ex...in her insecurity...accused me many times of cheating on her or wanting to cheat on her...even though it was the furthest thing from the truth, her actions, even when she tried to control them.
Still caused wounds in my heart and soul.
When we were married, I continued my quest for the love of my art, believing that we had communicated and that she understood what lay deep inside of me. That she realized how important she was to me. Her perception at the time of our divorce was completely opposite. Their was a time during our marriage that my perception of her feelings towards me, was that she didn't love me...at all. We were both...wrong.
Today...my perceptions is causing a very dark cloud tolinger over my head and i desperately only seek...The truth.
My Father, the strongest man, I have ever known...is slowly recovering from his amputation. He seems to be in decent spirits...I have learned how decieving that can be. My mother determined to hold the household together...is battling something herself...I am not sure what at this time, My youngest son, the one that has always been on the side of never rocking the boat, I am very, very afraid for him...That one day he will snap, my eldest son...that I have spoken about before...now seems to me, beyond reach. YOU CAN'T hustle a Hustler...and I believe that he is trying to make everyone believe that he is done with the things that landed him in his incarceration. I don't believe it. As I stare at the dawning of my new realities...one side, all of my list of "Things to be done", one by one beig checked off...I am on my way...back to where I belong, business wise... I feel as If I am once again faced with a decision.
Life altering decisions...give up everything that I desire decisions...
The first was geting married and having a child...many men that have desired to go into my field are faced with the perception of forget what you spent hours upon hours, dreaming, practicing, working, toiling and sweating towards in order to "GET A REAL JOB" and take care of your family.
The second was despite achieving somewhat success...to give everything up, because your family is lacking...You didn't or you forgot or you FAILED to balance... I didn't see the telltale signs before my divorce...the communication break down that led to so many,many more mistakes and "perceptions" that caused the ultimate demise of our relationship...
I am faced once again...
To walk away from my Children that I love dearly and desparately and to be percieved as just your average, child abandoning MAN...BLACK MAN...because I can't reach them, because their are too many obstacles in between me and reaching them, because there are only four choices that would solve the problem...2 negative and two positive and the positive ones...don't seem likely...
To forget the point that somewhere deep within my heart, I still care deeply for my ex...but there was always differences,always things that were just too opposite..reasons why we should have never got together in the first place...reasons why, I believe that there is a soul out there that is "My right fit..."
To forget my dreams and desires for my career in order to help take care of my parents...my second residence, my comeback...my better life...the achievements of my goals,,,the things that i have literally bled for, cried, took beatings, wounds and slept in shit to achieve...within my grasp, but I am too weak to fight alone anymore, to unselfish to not at least consider giving it all up...
To forget my desire for "The One", as i can't even differentiate anymore whether I have ever HAD the "One" or not... Has all of my relationships been the stepping stone, the learning in order to be prepared or did I let her slip from my fingers?
A few months ago, I believed I had found...my perfect fit...fragile, yet strong...desiring the exact same things that i spoke of and things that I did not speak of...months ago, I pulled back, as I scared her with my determination,with my "RUSH"...
Another perception... I merely felt that there was no need to wait with what I was feeling. Alas...she found another...but is it her "one" or another delay in what we spoke of? Was she EVER the
"One" or just what i believed? What i wanted to believe?
I don't know...only time will tell... and, yes...I hate that phrase, but it is oh so true...for time has allowed meto achieve the things that ihave dreamed ofin the past...given enough time, enough determination and enough faith, i have proven and acheived what others thought impossible...time and again.
This time...as in the time of my divorce, when everything that i cared for,loved and worked for was stripped away from me...taken without even the slightest concern for the repercussions and reactions...this time, I fear...will prove too much for me...
Even with all of the recent achievements...
As I close my eyes...and the light of yet another day fades into memories, I still long for and dream of a faceless person...one that I can confide in, tell my wildest dreams and thoughts to, to make love to in ways that cause our souls to stir the elements of the world... I dream to hold my children close to me once more and to know that they realize how much I desperately love them...
I dream to achieve a certain goal that will make my parents so very, very proud of me...before they are gone... not just the things that they say they are proud of me for...but something so undeniable, something that will cause a smile that will never be able to be erased...
I long to achieve this and to enjoy for a minute...before I am gone from this existence...from this life I have lived thus far...
As the years slip by and I fight back the thought of giving up...the thought of letting it all go...as i fight back the tear forming in my eye in this public place...
I wonder... Is this all Reality ...or...my perception?

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
12/12/2005 8:32 pm

Look in the mirror and repeat after me...."This too SHALL pass". Because it will Siz. No...not reality - your perception. Tomorrow will look so much better. You're in the mix now and can't see it for what it is - it's going to be ok. (Imp wraps her arms around Siz)

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


redmartinigirl 43F

12/12/2005 11:11 pm

There is no reality, only perception. But your perception IS your reality. I don't believe anyone has their "one." I think it is a myth made up for us all to buy into. I believe we have many soul mates - some romantic in nature and some are not. Some will grow with us and some will grow apart. But it doesn't mean that at one point they were not a part of our very soul.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. We have to be willing to admit that some people are not going to be a part of our lives forever and to move on from there. We each have our own perception of any situation.

To the world, you may only be one person, but to one person, you may be the world. *hugs*


tillerbabe 56F

12/13/2005 3:06 am

It's your growth sweetie...."Growing pains"..follow your heart..always follow your heart..the voice of God. {=}


rm_GenuineTaste 51F
261 posts
12/13/2005 7:39 pm

Keep your HEAD up brotha and your Spirits HIGH. Hold on to your uttermost dreams. I was truely moved by your writings. Kind of touches home. The things you speak of is the things I've tried to steer estranged husband from. Don't know how he feels, just know if I were in his shoes, which I'd never be. For I would have never up and left the marriage. Well, atleast no how he did. Just one day up and left no forewarning. I wonder if his soul aches for his son. etc, etc. FAITH and DREAMS coincide together, with out them life may seem a little rough. Keep the FAITH...Don't take things to personnel when it comes to your children. Children these days are far more brighter than we ever were. Keeping lines of communication open the best that you can, is about all you can do with the children. They go up one day, to see things as we'd try to have them see. As long as your LOVE is still extended to them, they will adjust. Yes it will be challenge for everyone. Just be there for them, even when they act like they don't need or want you around.

Live&Let Live...Live&Learn


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

12/14/2005 12:42 pm

*kisses that tear in your eye*[i/]

Siz...

(sigh)

you are your own
best friend
and worst enemy...

(yes I am the kettle..smiles)

these are trying times my friend...

Chances for lessons learned...and life's script editing...

There is no wrong road...
only paths not yet taken..

Let your soul guide you...

It does know you best...
trust the gift you have.

Dreams are for the doers, not the sleepers...

Shine my Star, with your Angels, SHINE!



HUGS!


TTFN


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
12/14/2005 1:30 pm

I truly appreciate all of the comments on this particular post. I suppose that it is growing pains as I must very soon adjust to a new and bustling life. Right at the gateway, I have been thrown a couple of road blocks and so far, they only seem to be a nuisance as opposed to a life altering mentally crushing objective...so...I guess I have moved forward...LOL.
Once again...thank you all. You are helping me more than you know.

Siz


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