100th Post- My Adventures in Blogland  

(Juan S)
3683 posts
9/25/2005 8:17 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

100th Post- My Adventures in Blogland

Mood: Determined.

I made it. 100 Post. A goal that at first I didn't think I had enough to say in order to fulfill and then after the 20th or so, A goal, I was determined to win. Life is such a rollercoaster sometimes. At 95 posts, seriously behind on my deadline for a book, I have been working on this year, my eldest child in a correctional facility, overwhelmed by some of the Good and Bad reactions,e-mails and relationships that I have experienced here on a.f.f. and moving into the crucial time period for planning in the entertainment industry, disenchanted, dissapointed and hurt in my quest for the one ...I had decided to quit Blogging.
Something that I have come to seriously enjoy...with the interaction with a number of people and the possibilities of extended friendships in the real world, across the world.
I even confessed to the feelings that I had begun to allow myself to have for one particular blogger from this site.
Sometimes I believe that I have shared too much of myself and other times, I believe I have not shared enough. The reason being that what you give out, normally the cosmos will give you back ten fold...eventually.
There are things that I have shared that I have found to have struck a chord with a variety of people...
I am indeed, truly honored...that my opinion or rant or little tease or jokes have done this. I am a pleaser by nature and to have gotten the responses I have gotten, not only on my blog, but on others as well, has truly amazed me at times. For this and for the online friendships and the beginnings of various friendships off-line, I Thank all of you.

First off I woke this morning and got my youngest son ready to go back to his mothers house. As he was leaving, he grabbed me and gave me a great big bear hug and as we have teased each other for years, when i said "I love you", he replied..."No...I Love you More". Some of you can relate to a child telling you this, for those that cannot...you are still waiting to feel this type of love.

My next step was off to see my Eldest. He has been incarcerated in a childrens correctional facility and is awaiting Trial...
As I waited for him to come down the long corridor...it seemed that he had grown another inch or two...LOL.
My 15 year old is a 6'5" tall, Lanky, light complexion mulatto.
For those that do not know what Mulatto is...he is of mixed races.
The best of both worlds, his aunt would say when I showed her the hospital pic of me looking tired and wasted after 20 hours of labor and cutting the umbilical cord, to bring my first child into the world.
I hugged him and laughed as I am not use to hugging anyone taller than me... He is 2" taller now! I then gave him the extra hugs, that some of my friends from Blogland asked me to give to him.
We sat and talked and he gave me the run down on how he came to be here.
My tears had already been shed weeks ago, so I was able to listen and to give him my advice and my support, without the waterworks.
I don't mince words or sugarcoat with my children. I have always advised them to listen to others and then to look and see for themselves.
That one has bitten me in the ass, a couple of times, with my youngest... .
At the end of our meeting, We hugged again and I reassured him again, that whatever he had to endure from this mistake, I would be there with him and he could always count on me.
I explained that his choices were not the smartest of things to do, but I did not ram it down his throat to make him feel worse about his predicament and I reminded him that he has the opportunity to be so much more than I ever was, but he needed to seek the assistance of the ones that truthfully care about him, unconditionally. He needed to remember the examples that I and his grandfather have set for him. I related a story of my own childhood views of my father and how I have come to reconcile some of the feelings I had about my father working as hard as he did for so many years.My Dad is one of the most resilient men I have ever met. My hopes are for my son to take the lessons he has learned and as I have done, Relate them to what he has seen in his Grandfather and in me.

As I left, My heart felt full.
I am now temporarily beyond tears. Now I am determined...
Determined even more so, to succeed in ending this nightmare rollercoaster that my children, myself and even their mother has gone through these past years. 6, to be exact, in November.
Perhaps I am dreaming...or adding way too much stress on my
plate. After all, I just recently went through a two week period of snapping at people and jumping to conclusions, because of my stress.
Some people perform better under stress.
I must admit, that I never considered myself to be one of them.
Stress...don't like the stuff. The ride home gave me time to pray and to reflect on that very thought and the truth of the matter is...I perform much better when other people are counting on me.
Probably, one of the reasons I do much better when I am in a relationship. Long as I have someone to come home to and has my back, I could care less what I have to go through in the outside world.

As to "The One".

I don't know what to tell you all.
I have been overwhelmed and I have been touched spiritually by
certain souls from this website. A common thread is "Why would anyone look for love on a sex site...". "You are not going to find Love on a sex site..." My new answer to this is Love is wherever two souls meet and after all..."I" am on this site. Someone, may find me...
Everyday, I see a variety of people not only finding Love, but discussing love and changing their opinions about the subject.
Maybe it is that time of year. Maybe it is the underlying drive that most of us hold within ourselves. Everyone that I have encountered on his site is searching...searching for something that is missing from their lives or is compensating for hurt or pain that they have had to endure. I am no different.
It is been said to me three times this week and many times in my life... the phrase..."If it is meant to be...it will be."
I mean no harm to the various people that have said that and truthfully believe in it, but I have dissproved that theory many times.
Many times I have been told that something could not be done.
I did it anyway. For I have discovered that it is not always Fate that determines our successes or failures, it is the work and sacrifices that you put into something that will determine most of the time, the outcome.
I am determined today. I am determined to succeed in a level that will give my children an example of what it is like to live life to its fullest. I am determined that when my childs incarceration is completed to have a brand new life waiting for him. I am determined to protect and guide my youngest child, so that hopefully his upcoming mistakes will not be as serious as his brothers
I am also even more determined to share the other side of my Love, my heart and my soul with one special person.
I have to try. Because if I don't, It will haunt me. The same as making it to 100 posts haunted me these last few days, just more intense.
Some of you may ask why something as trivial as 100 posts would be important to me... It is because "I" said, "I" would do it.
I have denied myself a variety of liasons for the basis of not hurting anyone. There are many of you that I have desired to touch, to taste and to pleasure... I am human.
However, I view sex as an art...Quickies are only enjoyable to me on certain occassions and those occassions, usually don't happen without a deep connection for me or a wordless, raw animal lust for someone.
I also know what my heart truly desires, hence me actually turning down a few. Not because I am so "HOT", that I can do that, but because I have no desire to cause anyone any pain.
My thinking today is that I can only be honest and upfront as
humanly possible. That came from a remark someone said that,
even NOT trying, will still cause some pain, if a person cares about you.
Timing...timing is a very cruel dictator. For as one person is healed of their past, another is hurt or wounds re-opened.
If the two of you happen to meet at this time, I don't believe it is the person that is not ready's Loss. I believe it to be BOTH persons loss... Have you ever turned down what looked like a possible good relationship, only to have the next one be really fucked up?
People enter our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime... I believe those fucked up relationships are to show you, you should have took the chance with the one you turned down...
Because as I have said, it is the actions, words and work you put into a situation. It is the mutual DETERMINATION...that will make it succeed.
If You decide that you are going to succeed, no matter what...
I truthfully believe that you can. If you have two people on the same goal in a relationship, it has no choice, but to succeed.
Barriers become as sand in the wind.

I am determined to create this new life for my children, myself and for the woman I am to Love.
All barriers will Yield...



yagottalikit 49F
583 posts
9/26/2005 1:16 am

Sizzlin', I wish so much that I could hug you, hold you close, listen to your heartbeat. You are an amazingly beautiful human being. I wish I could make your wishes come true!

Yagotta get it soft and wet so we can kick/stick it

playfulwithyou33 56F
961 posts
9/26/2005 3:43 am

As a "Planner" with type A personality, I have made and met goals through out my life. I believe it is important to at least think about a "path", while allowing yourself the flexibility to change course to address/attain the things that you need to experience as "YOU", as you take on the life lessons from this learning plane.

Just remember to put YOURSELF high on the priority list as you CANNOT give the best of you, if you do not cut yourself some slack as well.

playfulwithyou33 56F
961 posts
9/26/2005 3:44 am

and congrats on your 100th post as well!

angel_wings2005 52F

9/26/2005 9:30 am

Not sure what I can add to the words that have been said already.... BUT as we know I am rarely speechless..~~~~ Sizzle - you are a rare find. I have watched (and felt) your words touch the very soul of those that read them. You give openly of yourself - as I have said before - from a place deep inside you that WE are privilaged to get to see - if for only a short time. I was thinking of you yesterday, and hoping that you would find the strength inside yourself to deal with and handle the situations that always seem to 'catch us off guard'. You are more than an inspiration to us all- for more reasons than I will list here...just know that you are loved for who you are ! Take care and be strong my friend!

(Princess Lips)

9/26/2005 10:14 am

You go Siz...

mega hugs!

We have your back as well...



CuriousKitty675 41F
365 posts
9/26/2005 4:46 pm

I think you misinterpret Fate. it is not something that is unchangeable and set in stone. You are right in that you will put in everything you have to succeed. Fate is only the presentation of a path, an option. It's up to us to follow through with it. How we decided to act, react, or through our inaction will determine the outcome alone. Not some nameless, faceless, destiny. The word destiny comes from destination. A person never reaches a destination unless they travel the road to it and there is rarely only one road to reach a common destination. There are many. We decide which to take and what to do while traveling there. You have the right of it Sizz. You are determined and you will work to make it to your destination. Good on you.

As for the relationships that fail or falter along the way i view it like this:

There are many different types of love out there. We learn and grow through knowing and experiencing those different types. Only through knowing them all will we finally be able to give to our "One" the total and completeness of our love for only after the trials and tribulations do we learn to truly love. Keep on your journey darlin. You are well on your way and when she comes along I pray that she will be able to give you that love in return. Until then stay strong and know that the hearts of many, of your friends are with you each step of the way.

keithcancook 60M
17788 posts
9/26/2005 6:25 pm

This was a wonderfully expressive and skillfully written post. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Way to go on the 100th post. I have 93 so far so I am closing on ya.


digdug41 49M

9/26/2005 7:27 pm

siz I really dig your blogs and I like them because you always make me think about what it is I'm doing or not doing and I'd like to know what your putting out should I go to an earlier blog to find out?
thats so cool your a writer in real life an not just the cyber one and I hope all works out for your son and he learns from his mistakes
just be ther for him an that will help alot take care and congrats on the 100th post

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

pussnboots694 73M/78F

9/26/2005 7:57 pm

Words to express the beauty that
lives within your soul..
Why so many people are drawn to you..
The ability to be true..
Flying on the wings of life..
and knowing everything will turn out right..
You are simply beautiful..
Congratulations on your 100th post..
We need to celebrate..
Hummmm lets see..
I have some icecream left..
and some chocolate kisses..
Meet me
in between
the droplets
of water

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
9/26/2005 8:49 pm

I have used the word "WOW" more times since meeting you than I have in the last 10 years. I'm rarely speechless as anyone who knows me could tell you - but you constantly render me that way. I can't wait to read your book - and I don't even care what it's about. You are a "spirit" being with a very old soul and your words flow out to touch the spirit within each of us. I have no doubt that you will accomplish what you wish to accomplish and I wish you godspeed. Faith is a very powerful thing Siz...so much more than "Fate", because Faith is nothing more than believing in the thing we cannot "YET" see,(and "yet" is a very important word right there). Couple Faith with Hope - and you have an unbelievable and unbreakable bond for all involved. I'm very thankful to have wandered into your little world here. Be it just a "season" or the beginning of a great friendship.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
9/27/2005 1:59 am

Congratulations on your 100th blog post, and on your blog. You certainly have a way of expressing yourself.

and plz, blog on ....

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/27/2005 10:42 am

YaGotta... go to a quiet room, close your eyes, with your arms folded around your body...
Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly... It is there you will find my heartbeat..
inside of you... TY for being you.

Thanks Playful...I will try to remember to cut myself some slack. The warm hands on my shoulders from you and the other wonderful people here, help very much, in the absence of "The One."

Thanks Jez

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/27/2005 10:56 am

Thank you very much Ang... You have been through a lot with me...and you actually still think of me as a friend...LOL. That is a special thing in and of itself...

Redlips... (((HUG)))... <~~~~siz being careful not to smudge the lipstick... at least until later

Smile4u... Congratulations Love and friendships are wherever you find them, you look around and you just have to say... "So There I was..."

Curious...There are times that I think You and I are on the same side, of a precious coin..

Keith... I'm waiting on you my friend and we will celebrate in 7 post. Champagne on me...

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/27/2005 11:06 am

Reine... so very, very true

...Kateybabe ... and just WHERE, will I find the rest of the post, hmmm...

Thanks Digdug...There is mention in my earlier posts as to some of the things I am up to, but you are more than welcome to e-mail me. I hear that you are a bassist?

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/27/2005 11:11 am

LOL... Puss it is a very good thing that we are having all of this SEX in Blogland, with the Hersheys truck chocolate syrup, kisses and ice cream, we'd start getting Fat!! LOL...
I'd know longer look like a football player, but the whole line...

Impish... You are making me blush... STOP THAT!... LOL
Seriously though...Thank you...

Goddess... Thank you very much for coming through. I very much appreciate you...

AmberSolaire 42M

9/27/2005 5:12 pm


Mikey_B1972 44M

9/27/2005 5:21 pm

First off, congrats on the 100th post. Can you remember typing the first few and wondering where it would take you and who you would be conversing with?
Second, great blog. Like Keith said, very expressive and skillfully written, yet it sounded as if it just "flowed". Thank you for opening up your personal life to us, for it allows us to feel more at ease when we blog, and it really gives us an idea of who you are.
Third, glad to hear about the day with your son. I am sure even though you are the adult, you still had butterflies. Sorry to hear you had to look up to him though...LOL
Last but not least, what is going on with the book?


(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/27/2005 5:57 pm

Uh...Amber I quite agree with whatever it was that you were going to say in the above post... I think...LOL

Mikey... Thanks, my brother from another ! I knew that height thing was coming one day...fortunately I can still sweep kick em'...LOL. The book...writing away...planning the
launch and scheduling all of next year... I'm into August already and just praying that everything works out with the promo, book signings, music, etc., etc.
Everything is dependant on "ONE" thing and I am trying not to even think about it...Cuz it can go really wrong, really easily.

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/27/2005 9:56 pm

Thanks wetpanty...appreciate your visit...

(Princess Lips)

9/28/2005 12:14 pm

*smudge me..*


ProtonicMan 48M

9/28/2005 4:58 pm

Hey, Sizz... Congrats on your 100th post. You know where to reach me if life gets ya down and you just need to vent for a while.

Hasta luego, mi amigo.


(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/29/2005 10:33 pm

Redlips... Let the smudging begin...LOL

Protonic... Saving it for the 4 hour drive to Chicago...LOL

Iwantit... Thank you very much. Welcome to Sizzle's

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