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Battle of Sexes begins...lol Hmmmmmm
Battle of Sexes begins...lol Hmmmmmm
All right ladies, this is a clip-and-save, pass-around-the-lunch-table.
Much has been made about the mysteries of the female mind, but women know the truth:
If you want mystery, try figuring out men, especially when it comes to relationships.
A panel held earlier this month in Manhattan featured four New Jersey relationship experts, including two Jersey Shore native sons.
So, don't blame the messenger. These guys are just telling it like it is.
What men want
Blake: "Men have wanted what they've always wanted -- to be spoiled. Women have evolved but men are still traditional. We want a help mate, someone who, when we come home, we don't have to deal with all the drama. Men want someone they can really commit to and grow with."
Watkins: "What men actually want is to know that they're needed. That doesn't mean women can't be independent. I think being an independent woman is a great thing and I think, for the most part in today's society, men tend to want women who are independent. But be flexible. By that I mean, every now and then, let me help you. Even if you can do it yourself, let me help you. That makes us feel good. What scares a man off, in general, is that you don't need him. Sure you can do it yourself, but let him do it anyway. And if she does that, a woman can get anything she wants from a man that she wants."
Cokley: "The whole concept of 'I don't need a man,' is so harsh to us. You will never see a group of men sitting around having a conversation about how they don't need a woman. And if you want me to go to a church and say, 'I do' forever, ever-ever . . . well, I don't want to go out of season like clothes."
Watkins: "The best way for us to respond to you is for you to take down the 'No Trespassing' sign that some of you have. It's a sign that says to a man, 'Look, be careful, back up. If you say the wrong thing to me, if you don't look the right way, you'll be in trouble with me.' I think a lot of women don't realize they unconsciously wear that sign on their faces and then they wonder why they're alone. Men are visual creatures. We take a look at you and decide if you're approachable or not and we make up our minds right away. If you look nice, but your posture is not open to receive, we're going to stay away. What's in your head, comes out in your posture. So if you're feeling angry, resentful about your past relationships then that's going to come out."
He's gotta have it
Blake: "Saying that sex is al He's gotta have it
Blake: "Saying that sex is all men really want from women is like saying women only want shoes and a Coach bag. What men want is intimacy. A relationship is made up of components. Sex is just one component."
Cokley: "Men do want a woman who is fabulous sexually. It's true, a man wants a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom. That is so true. Women always say, 'When should I decide to do this?' and 'When should I decide to do that?' Well, the moment you get naked, it's on. We don't ration because we don't know when we're going to get it again. Another thing you have to understand about men is that we look for someone to really meet our physical and emotional needs."
Watkins: "Men normally are going for (sex). It doesn't mean that's the most important thing. Women give sex to get love. Men say they love you just to get sex. Women: You need to weigh out where this guy's at. If he's telling you too fast that he loves you and you know there hasn't been any indication that this should be said, change your man."
The way to a man's heart?
Cokley: "Men want a woman who understands the importance of food in building a family and a relationship. When you take an African-American boy and take every event that was ever special in his life, his mother made sure he had food. And then he starts dating you and the first thing you say is, 'I don't cook.' I'm not saying you have to cook every meal. Today you have men who cook as well, if not better, than women. But men still want to know if crunch time came around, would you be willing to go in there and throw some pots around?"
Scopin' other women
Watkins: "Why do men check out other women? We compare. We like to think when we walk out with you that you are at your best. We cannot close our eyes when we go out. We're going to look. When your man starts to drift and find other women more appealing, he's saying to himself, 'This situation (with you) is a little too much for me right now.' And he starts drifting with his eyes. The language comes out later. The actions (of drifting) come before the language does."
Shockness: "Why don't you just say to him, 'Did you find her attractive?' Another question that will always shift that situation is to ask, 'What do you find attractive about her?' Engage him. If you confront him, you're going to have a problem. The only way to understand the look is to ask more questions."
Trawick: "The only time it's a threat is if it happens to be an attractive woman. Nine times out of 10, she saw that other woman before you did anyway. Women know what kind of women their man likes. Why is it that women can walk with their man and never (seem to) look at any man -- ever? They look, but it's quick. Make your man know his behavior makes you uncomfortable."
Blake: "If he doesn't try to respect that (his looking at other women makes you uncomfortable), don't try to change your man, just change your man."
Can we talk?
Shockness: "Men in general have a problem with their emotional lives. Men of all races are dealing with issues of inadequacy. I've watched guys really struggle with wanting to do the right thing. What's missing is the authentic self (communicating one's true emotions). One of the most common themes is the inability to articulate exactly what you're feeling. He's living in a John Wayne society -- to be strong, pull himself up by the bootstraps. A lot of guys I've worked with are working under some antiquated system of how they should be. When it comes to having challenges in their relationship, they have a failure to communicate."
Signs he's interested
Shockness: "There's verbal and nonverbal. He's going to let his presence be known. This guy is going to be picking you up. This guy is going to be calling you up. He's going to be buying things -- flowers, gifts. He'll be getting the papers, running errands. When I work with women, I say a prerequisite to a relationship is that the man must adore you. He has to be willing to jump up, help out, hang curtains, just do anything because he wants to be in your company. If he isn't doing that, move on."
Shockness: "I call it the 48-hour rule. At the end of 48 hours, you will have all the information you need to make the appropriate choice of whether or not to keep seeing a person. Now, this cannot be two days in a row. This is one date, four hours and another date, three hours. And no sex. If you have sex, all that goes out the window."
Watkins: "A guy makes up his mind in 30 to 60 seconds about whether he's going to hang with you. It's hard to run off a man who thinks you're attractive. If he thinks you're good-looking, he'll still go for it."
The male ego
Trawick: "You meet a woman. She may seem nice. But what a man is worried about is that she might decide to pull her trump card ('This is my house, not yours') on you at any time. And when she pulls it one time, we are gone -- out the door. A woman who will not pull the trump card will be sensitive to your needs. Any woman who says the male ego is a myth, you've got trouble coming your way. The one solution I push is empathy. Try to look at that debate, that argument from the man's perspective. You've got to step out of your stilettos and put on some Stacy Adams. It might help you at least know where he's coming from. You may still disagree with him, but at least you took the time to listen to it from a man's perspective."
8/16/2005 11:06 pm
Ooooooh I can see a debate here...lol|