|Blogs > SigEp4U > Well do you want a good laugh?|
It seems like it has been so long since I have been able to just sit down and write… well tonight I am going to write. Writing is a natural outlet for me… don't know why but it just comes so easy. I love how I can just sit down and start writing and let it all hang out… something that I find so hard to do in real life. I am sure if I were this fluent in real life my marriage would be much better.
Tonight my wife is gone… over to a friend's house, it's just me and my son here at home, and it has been a real good evening. We watched "Shark Tales" together and I put him to bed. I worked on the kitchen remodeling project that I have going on… and now… I have the radio blasting, beer in hand, and I am able to just sit down and write. Life is great.
It's funny how the simple things can be so nice, so rewarding sometimes.
Actually I can tell the beer is having an effect… it is inducing a high… I am standing on top of the world right now… it doesn't matter what tomorrow will bring because right now… things couldn't be better. Isn't it amazing how easily our feeling are manipulated.
I have been thinking about things a lot tonight… you have a lot of time to think when you are repairing dry wall.
I find that I withhold so much from my wife… so much of what I am really feeling. I don't know why… fear of rejection is my best bet. Silly isn't it! Here I am telling the world my deepest feelings… and yet the woman that I am proclaiming to love the most… the person that means the most to me in life… I struggle with doing exactly that.
It's not that I don't want to… it's not that at all. It's something much deeper… much more sinister… a deep-seated fear of who I really am. You see….
I know who I really am… I know what depravity I am capable of… I know the beast within… and I am scared that I am unlovable.
That rationalization runs so deep that I am not normally even aware of it… would say to anyone who said something like that to me about themselves… that they were being silly… because everyone is loveable…
Yet somewhere deep, deep, down within I think I truly believe this about myself… but it is so well covered… so deep it is almost unrecognizable as a feeling… it's more like, just who I am.
My wife just came home. I heard the car pull into the driveway… I wish that I could go out there and just take her in my arms and hold her tight… tell her that I love her and have her believe me. I can't do that though because I know that she would just push me away… say, "get off of me, leave me alone!"
I don't know why she responds in that manner… but I do know it is not because she is a bad person… it's just something that I don't understand at this point in time. I mean for myself… that is what I desire… what I crave… but for her it's different.
For her that is not what she needs at this time… in fact, it seems to push her away. I don't know exactly what will bring her to the point of wanting my affection… trust me if I knew, I would be on it in an instant!
I think the big thing is just learning how to open myself up to her… letting her in…. letting her see me for who I really am.
Some how… if I want this marriage to work… I have to find a way to open myself up to my wife… I have to find the courage to just let her see the real me. Funny how just being yourself can be the hardest thing in life to do sometimes.
Trying to keep it real,
PS… my computer that I normally use is fried… I have to do a complete rebuild on it… either tomorrow or Friday… and yes that is a bitch!
3/17/2005 7:23 am
I am wondering the same as Sheeana, why don't you write to her? I noticed you are a Gemini, as am I. Believe me I know all to well what a mind fuck that can be!! We always have two theories for everything. It's hard to decide whick one we really believe at times. For the sake of you and your wife, something has gotta give. You can't go on forever like this. Not to mention what it is doing to your son. He may be young but kids know when there is something wrong. The older he gets the more he will know too. I discovered your blog last week and have checked back everyday to see what is new. If your thoughts can intrigue a stranger, then think of what they may do for the person you love and that loves you back. She must still love you or she wouldn't be there. Whatever your decision I hope for you the best. On a selfish note, thank you for giving me something interesting to look forward to. Ever thought of writing a book? Take care of you.|
3/17/2005 7:25 am
I think it is a reaction that you need to give time maybe. If you felt that, that was the reaction you would get from your wife (to be pushed away), maybe dont make that move untill she makes it first. I think in life generally people dont know what they want. I might get jumped on for saying this on a public board but, women even more so than men, I think have this feeling. The grass is always greener and to desire the unobtainable,etc. If you appear less devoted to your wife, then she would feel she had to fight harder to keep you, the father of her child.|
Thats just my 2 penny farthings mate, I will always keep rooting for you. Ok pal till the next time.
Colby who is not.......
3/17/2005 8:40 pm
Well... I have been putting off responding to these comments all day... these are the types of comments that deserve an honest answer... So lets start at the top and work our way down.|
Sheena... yes we are going to counseling together. We go once a week and have been doing so since December. Unfortunately... it won't do any good unless both people are at a point where they are willing to do what needs to be done. I know that I am where I need to be... or at least that is what our counselor has told me in private.
I don't know exactly why she has shut herself down... but last week at our counseling session she said that she realized that she had built up a wall and that she was working on trying to take it back down... I am sure that is not easy for her as I know it is not easy for me.
As far as my secrets about why I feel the way I do about myself... well just hang around long enough... I might talk about them someday.
u look good n me... I am sure that I would... sorry I couldn't resist the wise guy remark in reference to your handle... I have been wanting to say that now for some time and finally got my opportunity... lol. Seriously though, it is wierd that so many of you have picked up on the idea of writing to my wife. I had my individual counseling session last night and I brought up this exact idea to my counselor and he thought that it was a great idea... so starting real soon I am going to be keeping a journal just for my wife so that she can read if if she so chooses... I can honestly say I am looking forward to doing that but at the same time am aprehensive.
I am glad you are enjoying my posts.
CoolbyR... ok at first it was ok... but your starting to scare me... I think you might be hanging out on my blog just a little bit too much... joking... please don't ever take me too seriously when it comes to things like that.
I have not forced the issue of hugs, kisses, etc. with my wife ever since she let it be known that it was not wanted. She would not even hold my hand when the counselor asked her if she would be willing to do that one evening during one of our counseling sessions. I think that one of the first things that I write to her in my journal is just about how much I still desire for her to be physically close to me... not necesarily sexually, but for instance just sitting side beside on the couch watching TV, etc... can't wait until the day I can post on this blog... "My wife held my hand today"
If I really believe that my wife would fight harder if I backed off a little I would give it another try... notice I said another try... the last time I tried that it just made her feel like giving up... since she felt like I was giving up...
Anyway... thanks for your friendship...
3/19/2005 1:18 pm
Perhaps her guilt has ate away at her so much , she had no other way to deal with it, but to close herdelf off.The mind is a powerful thing , it can work for you , and against you.
How many times have you had a thought or feeling, and even though you know it`s not really right , you go with it,only to find it`s hard to undo????
Hang in there,