Hopeless Romantic  

SexyRycheBabe 45F
1292 posts
12/13/2005 10:56 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Hopeless Romantic

I'm here to stand up and say:

Hi, my name is B____ and I'm a hopeless romantic.

I'm a complete sucker for a romantic movie, romantic book, and a great love song. All the while pooh-poohing it and rolling my eyes at it and declaring LOUDLY and PROUDLY to anyone who will listen that stuff like that just doesn't really happen.

The last category, the love song, is my particular undoing. I love, love, LOVE songs like Crush and Stolen Away on 55th & 3rd and Stay or Leave by The Dave Matthews Band. There's something about the way he writes his songs that imply intimacy and depth of feeling. He has a way of writing about the day-to-day things of a relationship that make it so special. Those same things that you miss the most when that person is gone. Let me just give you an example:

...Wake up naked, drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
Was good, good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not to often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard...

(Stay or Leave by The Dave Matthews Band)

Maybe this isn't a good example because its a song about love that ended. But, it's still a love song and the fact that it's sad only makes the feelings more intense for me.

I'm learning more and more every day that I have this profound conflict of interest within my psyche. I want an all-consuming, butterflies-in-the-stomach, can't-wait-to-see-that-person kind of love.

At the same time, I doubt its existence. I shy away from any real intimacy because it might lead into something more intense, more painful, more profound, more... more... more... More any thing than anything I've ever experienced before. It might open me up to realize that I don't have what it takes to be in love, or maybe I don't have the capacity to love like I think I do.

I accused a man the other day of having "issues" and "being needy". Actually, accused isn't the right word to use but it came up in a conversation. He was the one who used the word "needy". Because of that, I thought that he had issues I couldn't help him with and needs I couldn't fill when, really, the God's honest truth is that I'm afraid its the opposite. I have issues and I have needs that he or anyone else can't, won't, won't want to fill/heal/mend.

How dare I rant and rave to him about that and claim that I'm not ready to deal with that on his end, when really I think its ME. I might as well have been holding up a mirror to MYSELF and talking to myself on the phone because it all applies. That knee-jerk panic spreading through my stomach wasn't at all about him but about me.

The miscommunication we had got so blown out of proportion not because of the facts of the event but our REACTION to them. Both of us wanting to stay SAFE and away from harm made us act like complete fools. I am determined to make him pay for sins he didn't even commit. I'm a firm believer in the idea that you teach people how to treat you. So, because I wasn't treated very well by someone in my past, I am going overboard to make sure that the Current One doesn't even begin to act a certain way. It's just a vicious cycle I'm on. Anyway, I digress...

The profound realization is that I wouldn't know a good, easy, comfortable and comforting love if it walked up to me, introduced itself, and bit me on the ass.

If he is willing and patient and loves me enough to accept me and take me as I am, I still wouldn't believe it. I've put myself in a position where only over-the-top and grand gestures are what it would take in order for me to believe in his love; but I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't believe any of those grand gestures either.

I'm just setting myself up to fail. Again.

So, having said all of that, this brings me to my ABSOLUTE favorite love song category. The love song that introduces the warped, loveless, gun-shy girl and the man who loves her enough to be patient and wait her out. Funny, not too many of those songs are coming to mind at the moment. Well, maybe one... You Better Love Somebody by Rick Springfield.

Then, there are those love songs that speak to my "sensible" side. Songs like What Is Love by Howard Jones.

I love you whether or not you love me
I love you even if you think that I don't
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you, but I don't mind
Why should I mind, Why should I mind

What is Love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway
What is Love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway

Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad?
The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can

This is why I don't mind you doubting

And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting

For those times when I'm just feeling plain ol' cynical Cold Fire by Rush comes to mind:

It was long after midnight
When we got to unconditional love
She said, 'Sure, my heart is boundless
But don't push my limits too far'
I said, 'If love was so transcendent
I don't understand these boundaries'
She said, 'Just don't disappoint me
You know how complex women are'

I'll be around
If you don't let me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't let me down

It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles
She said, 'Sure, I'll be your partner
But don't make too many demands'
I said, 'If love has these conditions
I don't understand those songs you love'
She said, 'This is not a love song
This isn't fantasyland'

Don't go too far
A phosphorescent wave on a tropical sea is a cold fire
Don't cross the line
The pattern of moonlight on the bedroom floor is a cold fire
Don't let me down
The flame at the heart of a pawnbroker's diamond is a cold fire
Don't break the spell
The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire

I'll be around
If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down

Love is blind if you are gentle
Love can turn to a long, cold burn...

I don't want the last (even though I love that line where "she" says, "if don't let me down too far" and I'm too afraid to go after that stuff that Dave talks about.

dorothy56241us 74F
1 post
12/13/2005 11:13 am

I am a romatic and love the outdoors too but i am learning many new things from being on the net and meeting new people . I like many things and srx I never have got enough of in my younger years and finding out it is good for me too. I have met quite a few and enjoy to be with them and see what will come of it friendshiop, dating or a ltr. Thank you to letting me speak of my views.

rm_sluggo992 51M
48 posts
12/13/2005 2:39 pm

Don't give up, B! The possibility of finding "the one" and letting yourself go may be just around the corner. It may also be 6 zillion light years away. The point is never fear the pain that may occur. You don't want to look back 40 years from now thinking "Maybe it was that one that I was afraid to open up to. Maybe he was really the one." The heart is tough ... scar tissue will never destroy it.

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