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My Imaginary and Me
My Imaginary and Me
In my post yesterday (Growth Spurt) I wrote about how there was this post in my head that I've been trying to get out for about a week, but I couldn't do it. Yes, it is about the love of my life, My Imaginary. It is a post that has been started a hundred times.
It turns out that I couldn't do it because I first had to explain something to you all about who I am and what I'm about these days.
I do not know, really, why it matters to me that you understand completely what I'm saying, but for some reason it does. We may often say "do what's right for you," or "don't worry about what other people think," but the truth of the matter is that when it comes to you friends, you readers, you Constants, I do care. I do owe you, because when I was darkest, you were there. When I had my head up my ass, you tapped me on the shoulder and pointed the way out. When I was lost, some of you "tsk, tsk'ed" me back to reality. When I was happy, you reveled. When I loved, you basked (even if you cringed). And through it all, I needed you.
So you can understand that when I write now of being in love, or of feeling peace, or of finally feeling like I've "gotten" it -- you can understand why it matters to me that you get my meaning and believe me. And you can understand why I wrote what I wrote yesterday, in order to put all those other things I've ever said on this blog into context. I was growing then through a growth spurt. It was necessary. But it wasn't who I am.
Now am I who I was meant to be. Still growing, to be sure, but aware of what is real, what matters, and what real love really is.
It was necessary and important that I do that first, because maybe now you can hear me when I tell you: I am in love in a way I never knew was possible. And this is how it is supposed to be.
When it comes to love, I've said many things. I've said it conquers, all. I've said that it is not something you find -- it finds you. I've said that it is the most wonderful and the most miserable thing in the world. And so many more things that you've all heard from me before.
You've also heard me say I've been in love before, and you can be forgiven for dismissing what I say at times as the idealistic and therefore untethered words of a poet gone starry-eyed. And that's fair.
But here's the thing: I've never been in love before like this. This does not consume me or complete me. This does not overwhelm me or surprise me (in a literal sense). This is, instead, as natural as breathing.
I'm good at "the fall," as someone dear once said. That's what I do well. It's the landing that has always been a problem.
With My Imaginary, it is different. She came to me lacking nothing. I came to her seeking nothing. I never tried to make her into something she was not -- a goddess, or a savior, or a missing piece. She never asked me to be anything other than who I am.
I do not feel a need most of the time to go on and on about how impressive, how amazing, how loving or gracious she is. That is my special joy to share, and I do not need to prove it to anyone to enjoy it or know it is real. This is what I meant yesterday about "passion" and who I am now -- with her, the passion is reality, not words or angst or emotion. It is the warm, glowing radiance of a wonderful thing that sits right in the middle of your soul, comfortable and still. I love her.
We are both this way. We do not consume each other, we complement. She fits into my world as though she has been there from the start. I fit into hers as though she had a place at her table saved for me all along.
We still marvel that it has been only a couple of months that we have known each other. I personally think that has to be wrong. I've known her all my life. Or, at least, I've been training for her. If you want to match with her, you had better be on your game. I wasn't ready before, but now that I am, I can tell you I would do all of the pain 10 times over just to have her in my life. She is THAT worth it.
She is a woman of immeasurable strength. One day I will write her story -- not here, because it is too richly detailed for a blog, even one of my length -- and it will be clear. But the little you know from her blog is just the tip of the iceberg. The universe has thrown everything there is to throw at her, from emotionally abusive parents, poverty, early death of a father, early death of a beloved brother, the suicide of a mother, the false accusation of a dreaded disease, joblessness, and loneliness. Many have endured hardship; but with her, it was a way of life for 36 years.
She is not a survivor, and I defy you to call her that. She is stronger than the proverbial reed that bends without breaking in the wind. She took everything that life has thrown at her (and really, what is left?) and said "Fuck you. You think that got me? You think that hurt? What else you got, motherfucker? I will not yield."
This woman I love is the strongest person I have ever met.
Because through it all, through everything, she never once lost sight of who she was and what she was made of. The heart of a fighter, a champion, a competitor was the one good thing she received from the Universe at the outset, and she has parlayed that spirit into a victory over it all. I do not exaggerate when I tell you that I am in awe of who this woman is.
I am absolutely in awe of her.
She wrote a post recently answering the question of "how you know it is the One," and in it went through her history with men. In retrospect, it is obvious that she has had relationships much like she had with the Universe that continually tried to fuck her over. And she did with them as she did with the Universe -- dominated. And it was unsatisfying.
For, you see, this fearfully bright, powerfully determined, stubbornly competitive woman is also an idealist. She knew from an early age, she says, that there was someone out there looking at the same stars she was, and that she would meet him one day. She kept the story-book faith because she was not willing to settle or allow herself to believe in anything less that exactly what love could be.
And yet it eluded her.
One day, May 28th of this year, to be exact, she had had it. She railed at God. "You owe me," she told Him. "After all of this that you've done to me, I've held onto hope. I believe love is out there. I want it." This was around 1 p.m.
It is as if God or whoever finally gave up. Finally.
At 1 p.m. or so, I got a message from a woman I was supposed to go out with that night. She could not make the date. I had nothing to do that evening, so I kept my kids and got online. I got online and searched new profiles on the match dot site I had been on.
I found hers. It wasn't there before. But there it was. And reading it was like reading my own language. Reading who she was, what she was about, and her joie de vivre spoke to me. I wrote to her, and in the end, I told her "You might just be perfect for me."
She thought it was arrogant, of course. But somehow she was intrigued. Within minutes we were chatting on IM. That lasted three and a half hours until 2:30 a.m. I was hooked.
But there was the "F2F" hurdle left. You've already read about that here. An update on the night The rest, they say, is history.
Because here's the thing: If I had met her at any other time in my life, I would not have been ready for her. I would not be the man I am today. And her? Same thing.
So here we are. And this time? Yeah. This time I know what I'm doing.
Someone once said that people in love never believe that anyone else can understand what they're feeling, and I suppose there is truth to that. I just know this: I love this woman in a way I've never loved anyone. I do not lose my head over it. I do not throw my life away just to be with her. I do not need to. She gets me, gets this, and has been waiting for it for a long time, too. When you've waited that long, you can be patient.
But do you know the part that really, really, really makes me smile about all of this? There is not one thing I would change. Not a single thing. I can see forever with her in a way I could not with others before.
Getting to forever is actually quite easy, because we are taking it as it comes, one wonderful day after the next. Enough days is a week. Enough weeks is a month. Enough months is a year. Enough years is a lifetime.
No rush at all. We've got forever.
p.s. -- This is my 200th post. It is for her. Thank you for letting me share this.
8/3/2006 1:52 pm
THANK YOU Seriously!|
It never ceases to amaze me how we are groomed and prepared to bring us to something/someone as you two have been.. I have often said to myself.... had I tried this.. met this person... done that.. or what ever.. even a short time ago.. I would not have been ready.. I would not have understood... it would have been lost on me
We can indeed prepare our whole lives enduring many things.. trials.. tribulations.. and all to bring us to that point where we are ready to accept!
I feel very fortunate to have endured the many things I have also endured... because I can look back and see how they made some positive change in my life... prepared me for something else to come.. THAT gives me great strength to continue enduring the hardships we all are faced with every damn day!
I am hopeful that all of my preparation and lessons I have learned both distant past and very recently.. allow me to experience this kind of love with my wife!! But I also know that if that is not meant to be... I will have learned sooo much and that it is indeed preparing me for something I know not yet...........
GREAT POST Seriously!!
I simply could not possibly be more happy for both of you!!!
And congrats on the 200th! What a great way to celebrate by dedicating it to Your Imaginary!
8/3/2006 2:38 pm
You know, when I first came to this post I saw the image you chose and thought "WTF." I hadn't read the post and at first glance it appears to be a broken heart. Don't know, maybe I've gotten used to you falling in love and it ending up with you and a broken heart. But you know what? I've never thought that you shouldn't get out there and try again. I may have felt that you sure got back on your feet awfully fast afterwards, but then isn't that a sign that it wasn't really the ONE?|
Continue to do what you do, we're not judging you, well some people might be but we can just tell them to fuck off. Congratz on your 200th.
Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.
8/3/2006 2:58 pm
Well goosebumps went from my hands to my toes. That is the meaning of true love! I am so happy for both of you. Congrats on your 200th post! |
8/3/2006 3:34 pm
The bottom line for me and you, no matter what, is and has always been "If you're happy, I'm happy." And it is as true as ever.|
Having said that...
Either your lawyerly powers are getting to me, I'm mellowing or I'm basing it on the little that I know of her, but something is ringing trule about it this time. It really, really is.
I think it's because you seem more settled, less obsessed with convincing yourself. Whatever it is, I like it. I love it, in fact.
And it makes ME want to find something like this!
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
8/3/2006 3:36 pm
trule? This heartfelt, eloquent comment and I misstype something like TRULE????|
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
8/3/2006 3:49 pm
I am so happy for you both.....congrats on your 200th post as well! |
Power To FOK
8/3/2006 4:40 pm
Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee
8/3/2006 8:32 pm
Congratulations on your 200th post and even MORE on the LOVE! Anyone and everyone who finds love, is very blessed. I'm hoping one day to join the ranks of the blessed.|
8/4/2006 7:17 am
You really covered everything here. So many parts I could quote and say, "uh-huh, yup, I get it"...but the whole thing...it's really great, and perfect, and I'm happy. I'm happy you're happy.|
And I still believe.
And the one thing I note in this: This does not consume me or complete me. This does not overwhelm me or surprise me (in a literal sense). This is, instead, as natural as breathing.
That is really the feeling isn't it?
Well you deserve it, both of you.
And congrats on 200 too. Love ya.
8/4/2006 10:36 am
I guess it's not suprising that only one other man has commented on your lengthy - though remarkably concise - post about the nature of deep love. Thanks as always for sharing the depth of your feelings. |
You go girl - well, you know, the female half of you.
8/5/2006 4:51 am
Very, Very happy for you and her.... smiles... Never ever, give up hope... |
And congratulations on you're 200th post....