Reality check  

Secrets733 43F
224 posts
3/26/2006 12:34 pm

Last Read:
4/18/2006 1:15 pm

Reality check


This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me

I spent two weeks in Silver Lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me
Yeah she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark

As tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did I that day

All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance, moving closer with every hour
So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?"
I'd think "You're damn right there is
But we can't talk about it now
No, we can't talk about it now"

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me

Death Cab for Cutie-tiny vessels

*Atleast in my own marraige as unhappy as it may be at times, I can count on one thing...that those feelings between my husband and I are real and genuine. I have memories that are of substance. And sexual encounters that are of substance.

I would rather know for sure that I am hated by someone than to question if I am loved or if the feelings are true. Does that make any sense?

I heard this song from Death Cab for cutie this week end and it made me think alot about the gamble that people take when they open themselves up to new friendships and relationships. And how two people don't always feel the same way about each other in relationships. I'm glad I am not in this kind of position now. Atleast I feel like I know where I stand with my husband these days, which has been nice.

I think alot of men feel this way...like the song...about women...it makes me want to stay away from men. But if I were to turn into a lesbian, I could also be betrayed by a woman just as easily. So, mark one point on the "pro" side of being married because even tho sometimes I am incredibly restless and bored being married, one good thing is that my hubby is predictible and I can count on him being honest and truthful in his feelings with me.

This last post was like a letter from me to my hubby. Sometimes I like blogging because I can say here what I don't feel that I can out loud.

rm_KnowStuff 56M
240 posts
3/27/2006 1:04 am

Real and genuine can be sensed out here too. The fakes are simply that. Real feelings are hard to simulate to someone listening and watching for the "actors". Trusting someone new is a difficult thing.

Relationships grow, relationships fade ... but they all take time. Where you spend your time matters in your life and relates to your happiness. Take note as to if and why it matters to someone else and you'll get a sense of how real that someone is out here.

You say, "I would rather know for sure that I am hated by someone than to question if I am loved or if the feelings are true. Does that make any sense?"

My answer would be "not really". In the spectrum from true love to true hate (white to black?) there are many shades. On the one hand you suggest you can set your trust in those who hate you for sure (i.e. you don't trust them at all) -- and that's easier than second guessing if someone loves you or if the feelings are true (or how much do I trust them with me?). Is the enemy of your enemy your friend?

Try it the other way. Does anyone love you unconditionally (pure white? pure light?)? Would that be mom, dad, God, hubby, a sister, a brother, a close friend??? I would think maybe they are all different shades.

Black and white decisions are usually easier than an infinite shade scenario. We live in a colorful world tho and with options come complexity. At what shade are the feelings true to love or true to hate? Do you love anyone unconditionally? Hate anyone unconditionally? Is your point is it's easier to hate than to love? Maybe you're suggesting it's easier to not trust than to trust?

My thinking is that may not be that hating is easier -- more that it's a question of distance and closeness. We tend to distance ourselves from those we dislike because it's easier to deal with them from afar.
Love is harder with distance and easier with closeness when your both on the same page (which is rare).

Love has a comfort zone made by the relationship. You understand hubby 's zone, and, it sounds like you can accept it as it is. Making or even attempting new relationships could mean destruction of the one you have. Your not ready for that.

Right now he's probably more Mr. Right than Mr. RightNow which is more what you need. Mr. RightNow can be found out here in seconds. Mr. Right takes genuine relating and time -- he may or may not be out here. As hubby loses or gains favor with you, his shade changes.

Should you find a whiter white than hubby, then your decisions become tougher. The love between you two is not unconditional. You could probably work to make it so but it's up to you two to decide how much to invest in your relationship. In any event I wish you luck.


Secrets733 43F

3/27/2006 6:34 am

Thank you for reading what I have written. Your comments always get met to think a little deeper. And you are mostly right about everything.

I guess what I meant by ""I would rather know for sure that I am hated by someone than to question if I am loved or if the feelings are true. Does that make any sense?" is that I would rather know exactly what someone feels about me. I hate being lied to. I mean who likes it?.

In this song, the man knows he doesn't want to be with her but yet he is holding back and she doesn't even know what is coming. I would not want to be her.


rm_KnowStuff 56M
240 posts
3/27/2006 11:43 am

Yes hun. We all would feel more comfortable knowing exactly how someone feels about us. But the human condition prevents it for the most part unless your willing to just hang your heart out for someone and risk that they won't trample it.

We all use our brains to try to shield and protect us from the trouble our hearts get us into. It's why love relationships are difficult and require care and feeding. It's like the love languages I suspect I replied to you with sometime ago. I suspect you really like words of affirmation -- you so wanna hear him say "You complete me." Now would that even remotely have the same meaning from somebody you just met?

In the song he's holding back and perhaps saying anything to keep Ms RightNow pacified. He doesn't want to be alone and she doesn't know that she's not his Ms Right. She does mean something to him. Unfortunately, it's not what she thinks it means and he is a coward for not communicating his true feeling up front. That is the difference between "having sex" and "making love".

When you know the difference, you value one over the other. For me, no connection = no point. I am passion driven. I need to care. Wham bam is so not me.

For you, he's more Mr. Right than Mr. RightNow. You need to be made love to (shocking) and not quickie no strings attached flings. You need someone that's "in to" you before he's "into" you. Welcome to the club. Others can do "no strings attached" which makes it pure physical and recreational. My advice is let them.

Hate less, live & love more, be true to you and things will tend to work out. Make sure your hubby understands just how wonderful you are. People (like me) out here have our suspicions too.


Secrets733 43F

3/28/2006 7:28 am

I am fascinated by people who can allow themselves the "no strings attached" kind of sex. I've heard that it is less fullfilling. I'm sure it is and I am not missing out on anything. I'm going to post a blog from the past which still rings true about my sex life now. Several months later...


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