This is me!!!!  

SeaMist1966 50F
845 posts
9/5/2005 9:53 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

This is me!!!!

I was just posting in Classy BBW...and needed to come here a blow off some steam...Had a bad childhood..and got myself thinking!!..Now how could i let something take control of my life such as RAGE?..I lived whole life with the very familar emotion,that is till about 7 yrs ago...when i realized,i was the one in control and not the rage.It cost me alot over the yrs..and im speaking of loved ones as well as friends...rage was just a part of my personality..and ppl who know me knew it well..I came across as this hateful bitch,that most would have liked to slap the shit out of!Only if you were close to me you knew i meant no harm.We allow things in life to control us,and most of us arent aware till its almost to late.I know, i have many lessons learned way to late in my life..Ive lost wonderful friends due to my rageful disposition..ive lost 2 husbands..a awesome 2500 square foot home..not to mention the inner person i lost thru all the yrs i hated everyone i came in contact with..was this control or what?..Hell Yeah it was..but when things happen to us as a child,we dont understand them till we have grown,and stop running from our dark past!!!!I stopped running 7 yrs ago..and looked at my life,,where was i headed?..TOTAL DESTRUCTION...wasent planning to pass go,or to collect 200.00....I turned to drugs...didnt take me long to figure out that wasent the answer..Drinking?..well it helped for a while,but the rage caugh up with me there as well...and thats a very bad combo!!!!....I decided to seek help and found i suffered from many different things,from P.T.S.D.,anixity disorder..O.C.D.,Bipolar disorder...and a multiple personality..go figure....Yeah i really belive i was just as they said.."A Ticking Timebomb"..i was very dangerous i think...LOL my counsler asked me once about the black lugzs o wore to her office one day! She said Chrissy i dont think ive ever seen those boots before..i replied to her saying..Yeah i only wear them on special occasions..she asked wat was the occaision..i looked her in the eye and said without thinking...I feel Like I Need To Kick Someones Fucking Teeth Out Today!!!!..that was so wrong to say that,but i had no control of the words that came from my mouth..not to mention the fact that i was taking Prozac at this time..WRONG MED.....it was hard to find the right meds to treat any disorder i have ..one kind helped the Bipolar,but triggered the Personality problem...with the bipolar..i have mass mania..my depression is replaced with a very bad mood...I DONT DO DEPRESSION!!!!..fuck all that noise...Ive been on several types of meds from Zoloft to Prozac,to shit to many to say..but i havent taken medicaition in 3 yrs..Feel better than ever..im dealing with the curve balls im thrown and i throw them right back...if theres a problem in ya life..deal with it and if it dont go away...DEAL WITH IT SOME MORE...im stopping now...maybe ill contuine later...this could be a new kind of theropy for the Misty one....thanks for taking a journey into the mind of a Crazy woman...rolflmao!!!


MouseDucesIdiot 65M
3 posts
9/22/2005 5:57 am

That is quite a pile of disorders someone diagnosed you with! If you had a female therapist who diagnosed you with multiple personality, scratch that off the list. That is just a feminist psychology fad. (Bet she also said you were sexually abused as a child, whether you remember it or not.) Bipolar disorder is inherited, and it is usually easy to confirm it as the source of your troubles by making a little family tree and figuring which side you got it from (the nutty side). There may be a parent, grandparent, and/or aunts & uncles with any combination of alcoholism, suicide attempts, nervous breakdowns, resulting hospitalizations, high irritability, diagnosed psychiatric problems, high creativity (musicians, inventors), and/or hard-driving domineering personality. If one of your first degree relatives (parents or sibs) definitely has it, then you definitely have it too, given your troubles. Those antidepressants you mention can trigger it and make it worse! Especially when you stop taking them. Who the hell gave you those??? Some say that Wellbutrin is about the only antidepressant that seems to work out OK for bipolars. As far as treating bipolar disorder itself, there are about 10 drugs, but the only one that really works well and consistently is Lithium. The others might be given in addition to Lithium, but please don't let a psychiatrist try to treat you with one of the others as the primary treatment. Insist on the real thing.


SeaMist1966 50F

9/26/2005 8:13 pm

Hey Raj...The apple didnt fall far from the tree..My mothers side of the family is COOKOO!..the disorders all there..A male Dr diagnosed me..said I was a real case..I dont like being medicated..I actually feel I could become very depressed if I allow it..And I was sexually abused as a child..and unfourntly I do remember it..after yrs of running from it,it all caught up with me and thats when I decided to face my deamons and fight back..I think im winning the battle..who knows..as far as medication goes..Wellbrutin was one of the meds they tried..when the doseage kept increasing..I said this cant be right,and stopped it as well..I do have very bad days..and can be more than a normal person can deal with..the Mania I experince with the Bipolar disorder is far greater than the down sides...but it crazy how my mood can go from "Im on the top of the world"..to "I just wish I could vanish"..in the blink of an eye, and I dont mean wanting to die..just leave the damn state..go where no one knows who I am or where I came from..but thats like running again huh?..But Raj ya know wat?..Bipolar is the most misdiagnosed condtion...But nothing else explains my horrifying mood changes..Ppl who are around me on a daily basis say they can see the personality switch when it happens..hell theres been times when I didnt remember the shit I said and done when I had the changes..alot of times I feel Im just a straight foward person and its not Bipolar disorder..just being brutlly honest..but in the last 6 yrs ive seen about 7 or 8 different shrinks and they all come to the same thing..The Lithium works best for me thus far..but I only take it when I feel Im getting CooKoo...I know thats wrong,but Ive never been one to take medcine on a regular basis...Ive been back on it for a few weeks now and im feeling much better...although I did have an outburst on another Classy member...but it felt good!!!..and Im sorry it happened..but thats the way it goes sometimes...Thanks alot Raj..will you be my Theropists????...*hugs*


MouseDucesIdiot 65M
3 posts
9/28/2005 9:32 pm

Misty-> You're right about the misdiagnosis problem. The percent of the mood-disordered patient population diagnosed with BD is about 5%, whereas it is thought that it should be more like 40-45%. So something like 35-40% of the people diagnosed with a mood disorder have been told they have major depression when in fact they have BD. If doctors would just do the family tree on anyone who comes in complaining of depression, I think that would change things a lot. I can understand about not wanting to take meds on a perpetual basis. It can make you feel like you are dependant, or a druggie, or something. However, imagine if you had a dying throid gland or pancreas. You would have to take thyroid hormone or insulin, and it would have to be constantly, or you would get very sick. Taking the med would make you normal and restore health. BD is like that. It's a disorder of the brain -- something has really and truely gone wrong up there. It is thought to be a bit like a seizure, but in the part of the brain that controls the feelings rather than the part that controls the muscles. The brain's feeling cells are up there firing off in excess, causing inappropriate euphoria or irritation. The meds cool them off, in fact, all of the BD meds except lithium are really anti-seizure meds. It is important to take the meds consistently, because you really do have a malfunctioning body organ that will never get well. (Gosh, that sounds discouraging, but thank heaven for meds that really do work!) Another reason to be consistent is that bipolars are notorius for lack of insight into their own personal mood and behavior situation. You may not really be able to judge when you are truely better or worse. It is typical for others to know something is obviously wrong, and the BD person to be totally unaware and denying it. Euphoric bipolars will stop taking the meds, because in a few days, they start to feel so damn good! Then it goes a bit too far. About the time they have shot their credit card limit on a spending spree, repainted their walls bright yellow and pink, and caught an STD, a friend will say, "Have you stopped your meds?" And they will respond, "Why, is something wrong?" Dysphoric bipolars stop taking the meds because they often don't think the meds are having any effect. They often don't notice that they are no longer dominating others, doing all the talking, and biting people's heads off--but then they never admit to having done those things in the past. So when, after stopping the meds, they start getting irritated and cuss out a family member, and the other person says, "Have you stopped taking your meds?" they respond, "Why? I don't have a problem!! You're the one with a f***ing problem!!" (And then some people have so-called "mixed states," where both of these things happen at the same time.) So that's my long lecture about, TAKE YOUR MEDS AND BE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. I don't know if you've read any books about BD, but a good one for you might be "A Brilliant Madness" by Patty Duke. I'll bet you are way too young to have seen The Patty Duke Show on TV, but I used to watch it when I was about 10-12 years old. And her book is really good. It can very be helpful to read someone else's story--hear about some else's anguish for a change, but maybe some anguish you can relate to.


CATMANDEW1956 60M
1 post
11/26/2005 9:14 pm

BABY DOOL, WHEN I MET YOU AND TALKED WITH YOU, I KNEW THAT YOU ARE A VERY TOUGH YOUNG LADY. I'M PROUD OF YOU. SINCERELY, LOVE JIM


SeaMist1966 50F

12/1/2005 8:06 am

Thnxs alot Jim...Im not as tough as I appear to be sometimes...you are a deary..*smiles*


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