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Just Call Me Doctor FunnyBone
Just Call Me Doctor FunnyBone
I had to take my 15 year old son to the podiatrist today to have his ingrown toenail removed.
Normally such an errand would be rather boring and straight forward. Not this time. I was in a goofball mood and had a blast.
It started when I got to the doctors office, the receptionist and I hit it off immediately, there’s just some people you feel like you can joke around with easily, she was one of them.
She asked for the insurance card, and I handed it to her, in return she handed me a clipboard full of paperwork. I said "this isn't a very good trade". She said "yeah but in a few minutes you can hand the paperwork back and I’ll give you the insurance card back". I thought about it for a minute and said "yeah but are you going to have to write a novel over the insurance card?” She smiled and said "no, that’s your fun, not mine" and handed me a pen with a fake flower taped to it, presumably so someone wouldn't steal it. I looked at the flower and frowned. She asked what was wrong. I pointed to the other pen with the purple flower on it and said "can I use that one instead, yellow flowers make my nipples itch” so she handed me the purple one. She then asked "how about purple flowers?" I said "those make me itch elsewhere, but I’d rather not discuss that in the lobby". So I go and sit with my son and start filling out the paperwork.
My son says to me "Dad, you're horrible, I can't go anywhere with you. Can't you keep control of yourself for just 10 minutes?”
I look at him and say "go up there and tell her that I said you need to start calling her 'mom' from now on” He was like "behave or I’m telling your girlfriend" I answered back with "think about the stories I can tell your girlfriend".
He just sat there and pouted. I started working on the paperwork. I asked my son out loud "are you pregnant? When was your last menstrual cycle? How many packs of cigarettes a day do you smoke? How are your hemorrhoids? History of mental illness in the family....sheesh they don't give me enough paper to write that one up... "
I bring the completed paperwork back up to the nurse and she gives me back the insurance card "I stand there with my hand out” she says "yes?” I reply "didn't I leave a deposit for the pen?”
The nurse laughs and says "yes, but you'll have to send a letter to accounts payable to get it back ". I turn to walk away and she calls me back. I ask "is there a problem?”. She says "I have a hard time believing that a 15 year old male is pregnant" I shrug and say "kids start early nowadays". She then says "housework is not an allergy" I ask "are you sure?" She says "yes”. I summon S-jr over and tell her "please explain that to him".
The nurse just shakes her head and says "please be seated we'll call you when it's your turn"
I look at her and say "I’ve heard that before"
She replies with "ohh I bet you have"
So we sit back down and my son looks at me and says "I don't know you” I look at him and say "pay your own doctor bill then".
So we get called in and are shown to the examination room. I hop up on the exam table and the nurse (different one) calls me by my son's name. I explain that the I’m the father and my son is the patient. She is confused for a minute and then says "why are you on the exam table?" I reply "it looked comfortable"
I get down and my son takes his spot on the table. The nurse asks him to remove his shoes. I ask for an oxygen mask. The nurse is ignoring me.
The nurse asks what we are here for. I explain that my son needs a pedicure, and we prefer that it be finished with bright pink nail polish. The nurse is not amused. I point to his big toe and say "he has an ingrown toenail that's been a chronic condition and we'd like it removed and the nail bed killed in that area.”
The nurse made some notes on my son's chart and left the room.
Next comes in the doctor. He examines my son's foot, and explains the procedure, I get more paperwork to sign.
He examines my both my son's feet and my son explains he's been trimming back the nail as best he could. I quip in "yeah you should see it doc, he holds it with a pair of needle nose pliers and uses the fillet knife out of my tackle box".
The doctor shudders slightly and says "stop, I’ll have nightmares about that"
The nurse scrubs up my son's foot. He's putting on a brave front. The doctor gets the syringe and unwraps it. When he's about a foot away from my son's foot I yell "ow!”. The doctor stops and looks at my son, my son points at me. I just smile and shrug. He gives the first injection of anesthetic. As he moves to administer the second shot and I yell "ow!" again. The doctor looks at me and says "I can order one of these for you too”. I reply "got anything stronger?”
The doctor chuckles and shakes his head "no", then administers the next shot. My son winces slightly from this one. I look at him and say "did that hurt? I didn't feel a thing! "
My son retorts with "that's why nobody likes you!"
The doctor explains that he has to give the anesthetic a few minutes to work. They all leave.
My son plays his Nintendo DS, I read my book.
The doctor returns and uses a blunt probe to test for sensation in my son's foot. He presses away from the toe, my son indicates he can feel it, as he touches the toe, my son says he can't feel it.
I suggest grabbing his big toe and squeezing it as a real test.
The doctor then grabs one of his instruments and begins cutting the toenail. I say "I have a pair of wire cutters in the van if it'd save us some money, just give him a tetanus shot when you're done".
He finishes cutting the nail, and then he pulls it out with another instrument and sets it on the tray. It was a huge piece of nail, it's amazing how far up under the flesh that nail went. It's a bit bloody and has some flesh attached. I comment "that kind of looks like part of a shrimp, how's it taste?"
The nurse actually shuddered from that remark. The doctor then dabs some medicine onto a swap and inserts it into his toe where the nail chunk used to be. I say "that's the special sauce, right?" He asks my son if he's feeling any pain. My son replies "yeah the old man next to me is hurting my eyes, but my foot feels nothing"
I exclaim "if he shoves that q-tip in any further, it'll come out the back of your heel".
As they dress the wound I tell the doctor "be sure to paint him a smile face so everyone knows he was a good boy"
I point at the nail chunk on the table and say to the nurse "oh waitress, can I get that to go?”
She asks me if I’m serious. I say yes. "Please put it in some kind of specimen container so we can keep it" The nurse comes back with a small plastic jar and in the nail chunk goes.
I'm given more paperwork including scripts for painkillers and antibiotics. I ask the doctor "can we get these in suppository form?"
We go to the checkout desk, I hand the lady there the discharge papers. I say "S-jr got something to numb the pain, can I get a shot too before I have to pay the bill?”
When they hand me the bill for the co pay I say "I can't pay that, would you like to keep the boy instead ?" when the nurse says "no" I put the specimen jar on the counter and say "ok, then just have the doctor put this back in and take it off the check".
The nurse I was originally flirting with comes over and says "well we can figure something out, how about we work it out in trade?" I give her a big smile and say "now you're talking...what do you have in mind?" she asks "what's your shoe size?" I reply proudly "I’m size 12".
She says "perfect, I have a patient coming in here who is losing half his foot to diabetes, he'll be happy to know we have a donor for a replacement foot".
I was caught flat footed (pun intended) "ummm umm how about I just hand you the cash and we call it good" The nurse said "well if you insist, but my patient is going to be disappointed"
So we arranged a follow up visit for two weeks and I said "wow, you must like me, we already set up a second date" The nurse smiled and replied "don't feel special, I’m easy like that"
I indicated my son and said "should I bring my chaperone along too?" The nurse laughed and said "you had better, or I’m not letting you through the door!"
S-jr and I left, as we got into my car he said "you embarrass me like that again and I’m going to shoe polish your bald spot!”
I just looked at him and said "shaddap boy, it's a long walk home"
"We are all worms, but i like to think of myself as a glow-worm" - Winston Churchill