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A Cruel Joke ... or ... Bar-B-Q Whore !
A Cruel Joke ... or ... Bar-B-Q Whore !
A friend of mine who regularly reads my blog asked me to tell the story of how i whored out my best friend for a bucket of bar-b-q beef.
A little background first. This occurred during the summer of 2002. I was working for a computer surplus company as a salesman, my pay was commissioned based. It was a time of very slow sales. My income was negligible. There wasn't much food in the house, The gas had been cut off due to non-payment and the water was not far behind. My best friend JB, was staying with me , and as is his way, he wasn't working.
I had a friend who worked at a food production company. they make bulk prepackaged foods for restaurants. Potato salads,cole slaw,chili, bar-b-q beef, etc. Her name was R. R was a very large woman. She weighed in at around 350 pounds. When she told me that she would be bringing by some mislabeled buckets of bar-b-q , i was thankful. After considering it for a minute, i asked her if she would be willing ot help me play a joke on JB. As i explained the details, she thought it was as funny as i did.
So I call JB and the conversation went something like this:
Scott: hey man, i got a friend coming by to drop off some food
JB: yay for food, we need some around here !
Scott: yeah , no kidding. Umm uhh, there's one minor issue though...
JB: Scott, I hate when you get like that...what did you do to me ? You don't have me going and mowing their 40 acres do you ?
Scott: Nah, it's nothing like that man, actually this is a everyone wins situation. We get food, and you get umm, uhh, laid.
JB: WHAT! how does us getting food get me laid ?
JB: what did you do ? talk to me damnit !
Scott: well R is bringing the food by, and she was telling me how horny she was...so i was kinda thinking maybe you and her could ..well you know...hook up ?
JB: you bastard! since when did you become my pimp ? Is she cute ?
Scott: yeah, she's a real sweety, you'll like her
JB: you're one twisted motherfucker, how do you get me into these things ! i can't believe you whored me out for some food! She had better be cute!
Scott: Relax man, it's all good, have I ever done you wrong ? wait a minute...bad question... just handle it ok, we need the food
JB: ya know bro, there are days when i really want to kick your ass
Scott: i know, i know, just be cool ok ? i gotta get back to work.
So i hung up the phone. The next part was pieced together from what JB & R told me.
R knocks on the door and is greeted by JB. As JB tells it, he noticed a pretty face and huge breasts, but she literally filled the rest of the doorway as well. R smiled at him and says "Scott sent me".
JB lets her in. She walks to the kitchen and loads the food into the freezer and then goes and sits down by JB on the couch. JB is in a state of shock. R decides to run with it, she puts her hand on his knee , which i informed her was one of his erogenous zones. R says "So Scott said you'd be taking care of the other end of the deal". JB just stammers "um mm uh...he did ?"
R is really laying it on thick "that's what he told me, so .. do you have protection ? "
JB recovers his wits somewhat and blurts out "you'll have to work that out with Scott, i just remembered i have to be somewhere in 15 minutes"
R asks him where, he replies tersely "saying final goodbyes to a friend"
So she writes down her number and hands it to him saying "call me sometime, cutie" and takes her leave.
As soon as she is out the door , JB is calling me at work:
JB: you son-of-a-bitch ! you lowlife bastard! I'm coming up there and kicking your ass! wait till you get home!
Scott: easy now JB, what's wrong ? has R been by yet ?
JB: why didn't you tell me she was a big woman ? damn you scott, that was so wrong! there's a special place in hell for people like you !
Scott: ok, so i take it she was there, did she leave the food ?
JB: you motherfucker, i'm gonna shove that bar-b-q up your ass! I can't believe you told her i'd have sex with her!
Scott: how was it ? (it's taking all my self control not to fall out laughing)
JB: you know i don't like big women, i kicked her out, she said she's coming to see you to collect.
Scott: dude, i can't believe you let me down like this. you live in my house, don't do a damn thing, eat all my food, watch my cable, drink my booze,and you can't even do this one little thing for me ?
JB: one little thing ? you whored me out for food! i'd say that's a fucking huge thing! why didn't you sell one of my corneas instead ?
Scott: no buyers
JB: fuck you man! you'll be lucky if any of that food is left
Scott: relax, it was just a joke, R was in on the whole gag!
JB: that was no joke, do you hear me laughing ? if i had said yes, we would be doing it!
Scott: ok you have a point there. I gotta get back to work.
JB: i hate you , you know that , right ?
Scott: talk to you when i get home -click-
To this day JB brings that story up from time to time. He and R have since also become friends , platonic friends. Which is kind of amusing,considering she had the gastric bypass surgery and now weighs in at 110 pounds.
One day Jon was hitting on her at a bar, not knowing it was her. She flirted back for a while, but when he invited her over she said "only if you can produce that bucket of bar-b-q you owe me in the next 3 minutes"
"We are all worms, but i like to think of myself as a glow-worm" - Winston Churchill