Talking me down from my ledge....  

Sarcasmistress 46F
220 posts
7/14/2006 4:31 am

Last Read:
7/15/2006 1:30 pm

Talking me down from my ledge....

I had a *bad* day yesterday.

To begin with, I'm sick. Not deathly ill, and I think I've arrested it before it got out of hand, but Wednesday and Thursday I was not feeling too spiffy.

Then yesterday, I managed to work myself into a nearly complete mental breakdown, all over one stray comment that didn't really mean what I took it to mean. My brain works really well, although sadly, it steers most of my thoughts to a worst-possible-case-scenario place. An uncompleted phrase turned into "my life is a waste and why do I even bother trying anymore."

I'm that good.

I realize that 90% of the time I am out of my damn mind. I've always been depressed (if I'd known what a goth was in the 90s I would have dressed like Ally Sheedy in "The Breakfast Club" every day of high school). A few years ago, I managed to develop panic attacks. I hadn't had one in years, but pretty much did yesterday. All I wanted in the world was to get into my car, put the top down, throw some Angry White Boy music in the CD player and drive east until I hit ocean -- and maybe even then, keep drive to see how long a Volkswagen will, in fact, float.*

But I didn't do that. I went to the store, I came home and hung out with my homedogs, then went to see Mr. Seriously. In a bit of a role reversal, talked *me* down from *my* ledge -- usually it's the other way around. And today, the world makes a bit of sense again.

I'm still unthrilled with my job and more than one aspect of my day to day life, but, as he very wisely put it, in the greater scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. I've come pretty damn far in the first 36 years and probably have another 30 in me, at least. I don't have to fix everything today, and if everything doesn't get fixed today it doesn't matter - there's time enough for all that. I've been completely stressed out about something I need to take care of at work today, and now, in context, realize that it isn't nearly as important or significant as my busy little mind has made it out to be.

Part of my problem is that I've never really thought of the future as an opportunity. Usually, just a burden, more stuff I have to get through and God only knows what it's going to bring. Even though the last three years have brought me almost nothing but good things, it's hard to shake that disastrous mindset.

But my future, I must say, is looking pretty fucking awesome from here. I don't know what it will bring but I do know a couple of things:

First, while I may not be doing what I really and truly want to be doing *right now,* I've got plenty of time to change that. And I can, and I will.

Second, since Mr. Seriously has entered my life, my life has been exponentially better. He isn't fixing me, he isn't guiding me, he isn't telling me how to live my life or who I should be in it. Instead, he simply calms me and brings me back to the real world when my dark little mind refuses to see that things aren't what they used to be and that the world is a whole hell of a lot brighter than I've believed it to be for so long. Somehow, he's even managed to find a way to get that message to sink in, despite my stubborn refusal to believe that all these good things could possibly be true.

He isn't the first person to try to tell me all of this. Maybe it's his "just shut the fuck up" delivery of the message, though, that I can finally understand. It's a sweet, loving "just shut the fuck up," but "shut the fuck up" nevertheless.

So, thanks, baby. I'm still insane, but at least functionally so again. I appreciate it and I love you. Much.

*If you get this reference, I will be very, very impressed indeed.

JustaSeeker 106F

7/14/2006 9:32 am

See how his world view can come in handy...he's talked me down more than once, and taken away all my bullets. Damn, I was just gonna wing em. Really...

MoonRise9 58M

7/14/2006 11:21 am

Somebody needs a good lickin'. Bring on the Dachsunds...

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
7/15/2006 9:33 am

Sounds like Mr. Seriously is seriously good for you...and you for him.

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