It's over there in a box.*  

Sarcasmistress 46F
220 posts
8/17/2006 12:59 pm

Last Read:
8/25/2006 11:25 am

It's over there in a box.*

I was officially diagnosed with depression in 1999. I just knew that a 28 year old thin, relatively cute lawyer with a purportedly charming personality shouldn't want to be asleep all the time. (Oh, and trying to kill myself at 13 was something of a hint, too). In other words, I've pretty much been dealing with this all my life and, according to more than one shrink, will be for the rest of my life.

It's been better lately, although for the last couple of weeks I have just be *ludicrously* down. Can't work, want to sleep all the time, the whole hopeless/bored thing. Which is ridiculous considering that my life is actually exponentially better than it ever has been.

Which is why they call it a mental illness, I suppose.

(An aside here: all lawyers are fucked up. This is just a fact. Some of us are depressed, some have substance abuse issues, some are just assholes. But I think there is something fundamentally wrong with *all* of us that inspires us to choose this career, one that is designed specifically to enable a practitioner to always prove to everyone else how much smarter than everyone else they are. We are, in short, massively screwed up people with self-esteem issues who need constant validation. Which makes us fun at parties. But I digress....)

I think I know why I've been losing my shit lately: mostly, because I can. So much stuff happened in such a short period of time that I was so busy just trying not to die that I didn't have time to really process and deal with everything. So I put it all away to be dealt with some other time.

I suppose that other time is now, or is at the very least rapidly approaching.

I blame Mr. Seriously completely for this. He has been understanding, kind and sympathetic to me. This has loosened the lock on the box o' crap I stuffed away a long time ago. I find it all creeping up on me at odd times, always inconvenient, forcing itself on me. I'll be honest here; it isn't just that I haven't had the luxury of being able to really process everything, but also that I DONWANNA. It hurts. It's awful. It's unfair and it's miserable and I don't want to feel everything that I haven't felt about it yet.

But that box is gonna open whether I want it to or not.

Here's the thing, though. I know, consciously, intellectually, and rationally, that once I just let it all go, get it over with, I will be a happier, lighter person for it. But I am utterly *terrified* of how bad it's going to hurt.

So I find myself sitting on that damn box, trying to keep it shut like a fat chick on a suitcase packing for a two week vacation. It's gonna get me soon, but believe me, I'm fighting it, kicking and screaming. The irony being, of course, that if I'd just opened it up and wallowed in it, I probably would be a hell of a lot less depressed.

*If you get this Monty Python reference, I will be very happy with you.

Seriously_Real 48M

8/17/2006 1:06 pm

More than one person here will tell you that you suspect correctly. Saying things out loud has a way of robbing them of their in terrorem effect.

When you're ready to unpack and throw some stuff away, I'll bring the trashbags. Then we can set them by the curb and let the Vietnamise chick go through them on Wednesday. Deal?


rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
8/17/2006 4:08 pm

The box is gonna open. It's gonna open. You'll be fine; you're in good hands. The absolutely right hands, in fact. No doubt in my mind about this.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

elbman 41M  
2566 posts
8/17/2006 4:24 pm

Trash day is no fun.....I'll get the matches and gasoline and we can all have a baggage bonfire.....

I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

sexyariesgirl 57F

8/18/2006 5:53 pm

"But that box is gonna open whether I want it to or not."

Whew! I can relate to this so well. Last summer my box opened....but I didn't have any sprang open like a jack-in-the-box...all at once! It all rained down on me in one fell swoop...and nearly destroyed me. I didn't have anyone to hold the trash bags for it got pretty messy! I did survive it though...and I am SO much better for it.

As I sit here with the tears rolling down my face remembering that time...I just want to WILL be ok. It truly will.

Power To FOK

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
8/19/2006 1:21 am

I tried sitting on the box.
Tried wrapping a ton of chains around it and hiding it far away so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.
Was in serious denial over the fact that I would ever have to deal with it.
Then the exact right person came along and there was nothing I could do anymore to keep that box closed. It flew open and everything came out and I cried and screamed and had to feel it all.
But you know what? When it was all done...I was ok. And better for it.

elbman 41M  
2566 posts
8/19/2006 7:06 am

    Quoting Sarcasmistress:
    Sounds good. I'll bring the 40 we can pour on the curb for the dead homies.
Then we can roll down and get some chicken and waffles.....that'll make everything i'ight.

Passion247000 46F
3195 posts
8/22/2006 8:51 pm

(((sigh)))) too bad as i understand that feeling too well..... {{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

...that box will open up someday, somehow, no matter how hard you try to keep it shut.... it is best just let it all out....and get it over with.....

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