I FINALLY CAN SAY "I LOVE YOU TO MY FATHER  

SacredStarDance
4888 posts
6/17/2006 8:31 am
I FINALLY CAN SAY "I LOVE YOU TO MY FATHER

Happy Fathers day...
I tried so hard to write a Fathers day post.. But I'm not a writer and it was so long and there was just to much emotion that I could not put into words

I'm not a writer.. when I blog.. Its what I feel at the time.. This subject was turning into a novel and with each line there was just so much confusion and too much to try to write. so for now I will keep in in my private journal until I have it figured out.

This was all inspired by cru1972
Reading his Blogs about his challenges and the news that he is in fact a Father..go read .. It touched me in so many ways and made me think of My real father..and his feelings being a father..

If your read my post " measuring life " this may help put things together if your interested..
The fact is my father left when I was 3 or 4 and to be honest.. we did fine with out him.. My Mother was a strong woman and she made it work..and never said anything bad about my Father.. he was just never really brought up at all.
When I was 11 my Mother re-married a wonderful man.. who was the best step father any one could ask for .. He had no children of his own but truly felt like a father.. a dad.. and I never called him My step father.. He was Dad..
To give you a hint about my "Dad" and the loving man he was..I started my period when I was 12..uggggggg I buried my head under my pillow for a week due to the fact I was at a skating rink wearing white shorts.. ( need I say more )He had to come and pick me up.. all the kids were giggling.. I was soooo humiliated I wanted to die..He tried to say the right things on the drive home .. my mom was out of town..so the poor man had to deal with my devastation..
a couple of days later he bought me a dozen roses 10 yellow for I'm his princess.. 1 white.. I'm still his lil girl..1 red I'm a young woman..thats what the card read..well this lil biotch just stomped back in my bedroom after dropping them on the floor..and for some reason.. I made it all his fault..( hey I was a bratY deva teen ) but soon those roses meant the world to me ..
When I was 16 1/2..lol.. My real Father showed up out of the blue.. and I was forced to go have dinner with him.. I could not understand why My mother would force me to have dinner with a man that hit her..
Any ways I did..It was uncomfortable.. the only thing I remember him saying is "one day I hope you forgive me and understand"...
I never saw him again because my mother gave me the choice.
He was found with a bullet in his head in a hotel when I was 18. on my graduation day.
he had 22 different names and social security #'s

I never shed a tear..I had my Dad with me.. so who was this dead guy we are talking about..

My Mom was going to give me a stack of letters my father wrote to me but I was not interested in them at all...

My step Dad died when I was 25.. My mother died when I was 27
My eldest brother 11 yrs older gave me the letters when I was 31 along with my wedding gift.. I put the letters aside and read them a year later..

The first letter was about how my Step Dad encouraged my Father to write to his kids .. My Mother encouraged him to write the truth... his side of the story..
when I read them in my 30's my attitude was yeah right...
now that I'm 43 and sorta of learning.. accepting the difficulties in life.. marriage.. kids.. and trying to be true to your self and just trying to be the best that I can be...

I understand my father and for the first time this fathers day I can say

I love my father... In one letter he wrote.. " the only way I can show that I love you is to stay out of your life "
I now understand that...Just recently I can truly understand this.
He also wrote poems.. and about the love he had for my mother and about the abuse..his confusion his wrong decisions .. how he just gave up and basically said wtf .. did what ever it was that was that made him happy

there is a part 2 to this..sharing my Fathers life only because.. it is twisted.. very twisted with turns of triumph and disaster ..and back in those days there was not the support or the knowledge for men.. there were no blogs for support. so I wonder If my Father had the support available to him.. and if he soaked it up..His life would most likely of been a wonderful life..

To my step Dad.. for encouraging my Father to write...THANK YOU...to my Brother that held on to them and waited for me to mature a lil to read them and making me promise not ever throw them away... omg..THANK YOU

HAPPY FATHERS DAY.. keep a journal for your kids

UNDER THE STARS


under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat



rm_cru1972 44M
4407 posts
5/30/2007 4:13 pm

You know Muffy? Out of the hundreds of thousands of posts I have read, this one has stuck in my mind. I'm not sure if it is the fact that I too have some of the same concerns, or if it was just that poingnant of a post. But I am truly glad to call you a friend.


SacredStarDance replies on 5/30/2007 10:28 pm:
Your the reason I wanted to share this the first time.. and now the second time.. Happy Fathers day

passion7523 51M
2931 posts
5/30/2007 6:57 am

beautiful Mrs sheding a tear for love, truly beautiful post soft hugs passion


SacredStarDance replies on 5/30/2007 10:29 pm:
Thank you passion

sac97vet 71M  
17 posts
6/29/2006 8:05 pm

Muffy thanks hun awesome !!!!!! ya got me choked up love ya


SacredStarDance replies on 6/29/2006 8:11 pm:
I hope it made some sense

onerustyone1 67M
2172 posts
6/21/2006 5:27 pm

Thank you for your kind words and thank you for your invitation. I can see that you are a wise and kind person by your words of encouragement.


onerustyone1 67M
2172 posts
6/20/2006 7:12 pm

Thank you for sharing your feelings - it takes a lot of strength to show the compasion, understanding and love for your fathers. You are very fortunate to have the letters to hold and read as real proof of the love that was real for you. Like others have said the more you read them the more you can see the kindness. You show true kindness and respect in your words. I tried being a father (step father) but failed as did my marriage. I thought I was doing the best I could - but I sometimes think - perhaps it was meant to be that I was there during their teen years. I just hope they, as parents now, can recall some of the things I did to try to help them have a better life. I try not to dwell on the past - but your kind words of wisdom reminded me that perhaps all was not lost in my situation. Again thank you for sharing - your kindness is very heplful.


SacredStarDance replies on 6/20/2006 8:03 pm:
Thank you for the inspiration...
I think we all reflect back on the the things we did not like about our parents.. step parents ..and as we grow older and experience more..our child hood makes more sense and our parents become so different in our eyes.

becoming a step parent is very difficult.. raising another's child..just trying is courage.even if they don't know it now.. they will.
Thanks for coming by...and welcome back any time

libgemOH 56M/52F

6/19/2006 4:29 am

Was busy all weekend (I think BECAUSE it was Father's Day and my daddy's gone) so I didn't get a chance to get over here til just now. Beautiful post sweetie and so happy for you to have come to peace with your biological father and that you had a man ready, willing and able to step up to the plate. You are one beautiful lady!! -B


SacredStarDance replies on 6/19/2006 8:41 am:
I have been blessed .. Thanks hope you had a wonderful weekend.
Love you

stonerandsea 48M/50F

6/18/2006 2:51 pm

Mrs.Muff.......thank you so much for sharing that....today especially!!

huggs always!!

Sea{=}


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:59 pm:
Thanks... Happy Father's day

jd29992z 54M
3888 posts
6/18/2006 6:19 am

Mrs. Muff That touched my soul. It is funny how time changes us without us really knowing until something makes us reflect. I st ll feel like the 20 year old off in the Marines to save the world then I look into the mirror as say "Hey thats not that guy." haha. I am just happy you came to terms and remember that sometimes those demons in our soul were put there by us. Thanks for sharing later JD.


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:58 pm:
this is all so true... thanks

toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
6/18/2006 4:31 am

what a wonderful post.
thanks for sharing this.
today will be my first Father's Day without my father.
it won't be easy... but i have so many great memories with him, that for every tear i have at least a dozen smiles... and that says it all.
my kisses to you.



SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:54 pm:
Thank you. smile with your Father.. your newest angel... He wants his son to smile and be happy

SpaceRangerNJ 55M
4687 posts
6/17/2006 9:54 pm

What a wonderful place you have been brought to through all the hardship. As we grow our eyes change. We see the same events differently. Our experiences build on one another. It is good to look back every now and again and see things with new eyes. Learning a little more than the first time around. Many readers say they don't waist their time reading the same book twice. I often like to read a book more than once. New things are observed. New patterns recognized. My life is enriched a little more.
I am only a step father; no kids of my own. She has only referred to me as her step father once or twice that I can remember. Calls me dad. I hope I have been a good father. Her mother has done the lions share raising her; didn't really want my input.
I do wonder what it would be like to have a child of my own. But I think that ship has sailed. I didn't want one of my own when I was younger. At one time said never; I was having a hard time with my daughter and couldn't conceive of going through anything like it again.
Hugz to you.
SR


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:52 pm:
This was just like reading a book over and over..and each time I learn somthing new no matter how many times I read.. But this Year was different..
Step Dad does not mean less of a Dad.

yumyumlollypop
16 posts
6/17/2006 9:05 pm

Muffy, Your story was very moving.
My Father passed away in 1971 when he was 41 years old. He was a great Dad. My mother never re-married so I have lived most of my life without anyone to call Father, Dad, Daddy, or Pops. Before my parents married they were quite the outgoing couple. They went out dancing, roller skating and even went bar hopping allot with friends and family. When my Mom had me, her third child within 4 years, she found herself home alone on the weekends often. It didn't take much from my Mom to convince him to get his skinny butt home to help with "his" kids. He changed his lifestyle to become the Dad that stayed at home with his wife and kids only to have it cut so short. My two boys have different dads, but the two of them must have been cut from the same cloth because neither of them had a clue on how to be a good Father. My oldest son's Father never talks to him unless he wants something from him and my youngest son's Father is a manipulating, egotistical, good ol' boy and wouldn't know love if he whallowed in it like a pig in the mud for years!
There are so many wreched men out there that live to a ripe old age and there are some that could have done so much good yet are swept from our lives when we need them most. There's no logical reason for any of it. I just keep my Dad's picture close and talk to him everyday and I let him know I miss him dearly.


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:36 pm:
some times we need to be Father and mother..both are a difficult job

hugggsssss

sweetSinn2690
2943 posts
6/17/2006 9:02 pm

Beautiful heartfelt post...funny how when life seems so confusing and you never seem to understand that in due time it will make sense...that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for sharing this.

xoxo
sweetSinn


Oh WHATEVER BITCHES!


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:32 pm:
This is true.. Thank you ...
and thanks for stopping by

firestarter665 42M/39F

6/17/2006 6:30 pm

...As tears run down my cheeks.

You are beautiful MrsMuff.


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:31 pm:
thank you dear one.. so are you

JuicyBBW1001 54F

6/17/2006 5:48 pm

Wow is all I can say and ((((((((muffy))))))))

Juicy


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:31 pm:
Thank you

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
6/17/2006 4:59 pm

Great post Mrsmuffland! It brought tears to my eyes. Aren't you glad you kept and read those letters?


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:30 pm:
Thank you... even though I had to read them several times over several years... It was the maturity that made the difference ... age is a good thing at times
Thanks

Nightguy_1961 55M
4866 posts
6/17/2006 2:39 pm

I just hope someday that my son can regard me as just Dad....maybe someday.

Great post...straight from the heart, my friend...

NG61...leaving behind a red rose tied in black silk ribbon as a token...then quietly disappearing back into the darkness...


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:27 pm:
I hope this comes true for you and your son.

SacredStarDance

6/17/2006 11:06 am

Thanks for all the comments and support..
I would just like to add.. A man does have many challenges and most our brought up to be strong..
tuff.. don't cry..Be a tuff man ..make a good living..
along with this they have there doubts.. insecurity's, self confidence.. keeping up with the jones..

Many men won't ask for help... I guess my message i want to pass.. is ask for help.. it will not make you weak.. only a wiser man.

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


mickdevil 50M/52F
3496 posts
6/17/2006 10:42 am

Maturity is a great thing with it comes understanding and acceptence
of who you are and who and what is what got you there,you are very lucky that your father wrote you letters to try and understand him and made him do the things he did,alot of people don't have that,some its easier to put into words on paper then to acually say them.
HUGZZZZZZZZZZ I'M GLAD YOU SAVED THE LETTERS

DEVIL
:]

Mick & Devil FWB
click me

Just Living Life


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:17 pm:
Maturity...is what I needed.. thanks

rm_cru1972 44M
4407 posts
6/17/2006 9:35 am

Mrs. Muff, I must say, you are a wonderful writer, this post proves that. I have not been with you as long as most of your readers, but I have seen another side of your wonderous soul. I am very honored to know you.

As far as some of the quotes in your post from your father, I can understand why he felt that way. For I have had those feelings too. I must admit it is hard to think about, but like you mentioned, there is support networks, (like actual support groups, places like the blogs) and I am sure that if he had these he would have been much better at being the person you needed or perhaps wanted to him to be.

Thank you for letting us all see this side of you.


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:15 pm:
Thank you..huggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg's

I hope you had a wonderful father's day

TXBITCH2006 49F

6/17/2006 9:24 am

Well sweetie, I just wanted to give you a big hug after reading this. It really touched me. I wish you the very best in luck and happiness darlin'.


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:12 pm:
Thank you soooooooo much glad you came by

TabithaElectra79 37F

6/17/2006 8:49 am

Very poignant post...


SacredStarDance replies on 6/18/2006 5:03 pm:
Thank you and happy you came by

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