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Letter to my Mistress
Letter to my Mistress
Bundled in a blankets wrap
In comfort of a winters cap
I was awakened from a dream
Not by noise as it would seem
Though sleet was crackling on the glass
And falling snow was piling fast
It was a quiet voice i heard
Though i remembered not a word
With howling of the blizzard wind
i snuggled ever deeper in
And drifted off in slumbering bliss
But was awakened by a kiss
Not a person was in sight
Alone was i that wintry night
And no one knocking at my door
i drifted off to sleep once more
But i was awakened by my name
As snow eclipsed the window pane
In dead of winter i could smell
The springtime flowers i knew so well
Fragrance of the lilac bloom
Had permeated bed and room
T’was then i recognized the one
Who has in silence sweetly come
It was Her kiss, from heavens blue
A quiet whisper, I love you...
it has been almost two years since You were taken away from me. Some mornings i still wake and think for an instant that You are here. But then i turn over and the bed is empty.....cold.....so lonely. It makes me want to pull the covers back over my head and drift into endless sleep, so that i will never wake up and with You again i will forever be.
This morning i woke up to the smell of lilac, the scent You always wore and i went bouncing downstairs in my normal fashion, humming a happy tune. i went to prepare Your coffee as You would have it every morning and when i opened the cupboard the space where the coffe used to be was starkly empty. i just stood there as the memory of Your death came crashing home, unable to move, to scream, to cry.....i was frozen. The realization that You are gone was fresh again and my tears poured. i sunk to the floor, holding the coffee cup and just cried.
Sometimes i still feel so lost and alone. Sometimes i forget that You are gone, i will see something i know You would like and begin to pick it up before i remember, and again my heart is torn.
If it was just a matter of missing You i could get past that. i have a million memories that keep You alive in my heart. Its the little things i cant handle- like hearing someone laugh and it sounds like You, or the smell of Your perfume, the way You always tapped Your fingernails and it drove me mad. Those things are what is going to be the death of me.
i still talk to You as though You are here. Whilst i putter about the house going from task to task, i tell You whats going on down here. i'm sure You can see and that You are still around, but it makes it a little less lonely when i talk to You.
Everyday after i drop the little one at school, i visit Your resting place, i wipe down the stone and a couple times a week i put fresh flowers. i'll never forget how much You loved fresh flowers.
The world now seems so much lonlier, so much colder since You have gone. i know its better where ever You are, but the selfish lonely little slave girl in me doesn't care about that. i want, i need You here with me.
So many things have changed so much has happened that You would have loved. Things that Wwe always wanted to share. Part of me is sad and lonely, feeling all the things one feels when a loved one departs. But then there is a part of me that i am ashamed of. It is the part of me that is mad as hell at You for leaving me all alone, something You promised You would never do. Part of me feels angry and betrayed and i hate that selfish part of me, but it is true.
They say that time heals all wounds, and i guess they are right. Slowly every day i am getting better. i'm learning the bitter lesson of living life without You. Hopefully, one day all the bad will be forgotten and i will be free to remember You as You were in life and not how i saw You last.
i have to go now, its dinner time and the little one is hungry. i put a bundle of Thanksgiving flowers at Your grave today, i know You will like them. You always loved the holidays and i always loved them for the happiness they brought You. Perhaps, if i am good i will see You in my dreams. Goodnight, Mistress.
11/17/2005 11:17 am
SP...I'm sorry that you lost your love one. You sound very depressed from everything of yours that I read. I would give your love to your little one as much as possible so that you can help ease your pain. I hope that some day you will find another. This will not be a problem because you are a beautiful women. take care mac1215|