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What would you do?
What would you do?
Many of you who have read Arrrgh! know my mother took her own life when I was thirteen years old. This event has had the most profound impact on my life, and continues to affect me today. It is the most vivid memory I possess.
My mother grew up in a small town, the one we were living in when it happened. She came from a large Catholic family. Many of whom continue to live in that town. There were, and still are, many secrets kept within that family.
For a year before her suicide, I remember my mother being sad. I do not know why she was sad, other than the fact that she suffered from depression. Approximately two months before she succeeded, my mother attempted suicide by swallowing a handful of pills. My brother came home, found her on the floor, and called the police. She spent about two days in the hospital “taking a break” and came home.
To this day, I really do not know a whole lot about what was going on with my mother, what had made her so sad. It has plagued me and haunted me. I do not understand why she would want to do this. How could she leave three children and a husband who loved her? She truly had a wonderful life from my viewpoint. Although, I know she was, at the very least, clinically depressed.
Now the twist, a family member recently told me that a suicide note was found. The family member said upon reading it, my father destroyed it. My father passed away when I was 21, so I cannot ask him. The rest of the family is not talking, and I don’t know whether or not to trust this family member’s word about the note because of other reasons. What I do know is that the town’s police department was at the house. What I don’t know is if they saw the note, or recorded the note.
Part of me wants to see that note, if it exists, or at least know what was in it. I yearn to know what it said, so maybe I can feel some kind of closure. I realize my father could have destroyed it before they got there, but I don’t know for sure. I know that going to the police department is really the only way I am going to find out if they knew about the note, and if they did, what it contained.
Then there is the part of me that is afraid of the note. The part of me that thinks my father was protecting us kids from something. Alternatively, that he was angry about something my mother said in that note that he didn’t want us kids to find out about.
Readers, I ask you: If you were in my position, would you go down to the police department and ask to see the file? Would you try to find out about the existence of the note, and what it said?
Thanks for reading,
3/19/2006 6:57 am
First I want to say that you are an extremely strong person to be able to go through what you did (albeit, it was in the distant past) and be able to freely talk about it. Also, I want to send my condolances.
As far as the note goes, I think it would be a healthy thing for you to view the note. As far as it's existence, if the PD doesn't have a copy of it, if your mother was taken to a hospital or a mental health agency was involved in any way, they should have a copy. I've been an ER nurse for almost 15 years and everywhere I've ever worked we try to get a copy of any suicide note for the medical record.
I hope this helps and good luck and God bless...
3/19/2006 8:05 am
Thank you for the compliment, I do believe the experience has made me stronger.
I appreciate the advice.
Thanks for reading