Rubenesque1968 48F
152 posts
12/1/2005 11:48 pm

Last Read:
3/19/2006 5:42 am


(I may end up deleting this blog post when I am more awake, but for now here it is)

This post is going to take a definite turn from my norm. You see, today is the anniversary of my mother passing away. This happened when I was thirteen. During this week, I am usually plagued by nightmares, and low and behold, I keep having them. Maybe it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. However I figured, since I have this blog, I would try to put down my feelings and thoughts about this subject.

You see, readers, my mother committed suicide and I found her. To those who have been touched by this horrible event, you have my sympathy and I know how you feel.

I understand the terminology and the mental illness aspect of this act due to my job, but I still fail to understand how a woman with a wonderful husband and three children who need her can do this.

How can she leave us alone like this? Alone to deal with the stigma of having a loved one who is so ultimately selfish that they cannot see beyond their own pain enough to hold on. Alone to deal with adolescence, and all its trials and tribulations without her.

Whenever something goes wrong with my life, I cannot help but want my mother. I want her guidance and her unconditional love. The same unconditional love I give my daughter when she needs me. Whenever something great happens in my life, I want to be able to call her and share my good news.

I cannot help but wonder how my life would have been different had she still been alive today. I cannot help but wonder what a great grandmother she would have made to my daughter. I cannot help but wonder if she would have talked me out of marrying my daughter's father; thereby, allowing me to finish college.

I loved my mother, and in my heart of hearts I know she loved me. But, how could she do this to me?

If you know someone who is contemplating suicide, or you are yourself. Try to make yourself/them realize what you/they are doing to the loved ones they are leaving behind.

I am sorry this is so morbid and depressing.


Edited 12/10: Thanks to [blog MustangD6644] for making me realize this post has a purpose


12/2/2005 12:26 am

Well this highly relates to two major postings (some might call them droppings) that I left behind today. See It's Not a Wonderful Death for the posting dealing with suicide and holiday depression Happy Dec 1st for the comment I left there dealing with the loss of my own mother.

But I don't envy your having to deal with the suicide of a parent. From what I understand it's a quite common thing for the kids involved to blame themsleves for an event like this.

That had to have been (and still probably is) _really_ rough to deal with.

I feel for ya sister!



gardinaire 54M

12/2/2005 1:22 am

This is not meant to be hurtful, just to help you or anyone else to get an idea of WHY.

Why would you do it?

Because the feelings never go away. Because you hate yourself even though you know you are a wonderful person. Because you know that the next 20, 30, or however many years you may live will be the same as however many you've already lived. Because the one who should be the most important person in your life has no understanding and nothing to offer when you need them the most. Because you never live up to your own standards. Because the dozens of medicines you have tried don't work. Because the Dr's want to throw pills at you instead of trying to find an accurate diagnosis. Because your cousin did it. Because your best friend did it. Because the mental exhaustion & anger never go away, they are just hidden by the pills occasionally.

Why don't you do it?

Because the guilt is incredible. Because you are afraid of failing at it and dealing with the consequences. Because you don't have the balls to do it. Because you really truly deep down want to live and be happy. Because your baby girl is 19 and will be getting married sometime in the future and having your grandkids. Because your boys are still teens and need you. Because you still hold on to the hope that you will find the right person to love and be loved by. Because you know that it is the end and there is nothing else after that.

Any guarantees?


PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
12/2/2005 1:28 am


Don't be sorry, dearset... we're here for you.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

Rubenesque1968 48F

12/2/2005 4:53 am

KC ~ I read your postings and I only wish my mother could have read the first. I think of my mother everyday, and though most of my memories have shifted to the good ones...the bad ones seep in this time of the year. I used to have the survivor's guilt, but got over it with therapy. I lost my father around this time of the year a about 16 yrs ago, and I must say that was easier to get over than the loss of my mother.

gardinaire ~ I do understand the reasons, my job in the mental health field has helped me with that. However, during times like this those old feelings pop back up again.

PK ~ Thank you! *HUGS*

Wetyy ~ Thank you, too!! I wish more people would see that there are those out there to help.

Thanks to all

rm_hayoob 63M

12/2/2005 6:57 pm

I have no words of wisdom. I am not qualified to give you advice. A wise man once told me that with respect to pain and depression, you can't sidestep it, you have to walk through it and when you make it to the other side you are better for the journey. Good luck.

rm_MustangD6644 51M
1031 posts
12/3/2005 3:26 am

Wow Rube this post has knocked me flat, I wasnt really ready to confront the issues you have raised. I only dropped by to ask your permission to use your profile photo in a future blog entry of mine. Now it all seems insignificant and personally confronting. It has knocked the wind right out of my sails, but also shown me several aspects of you that I did not know. I think I will call it a night now.

Rubenesque1968 48F

12/4/2005 6:30 am

hayoob ~ Thank you for your advice, and I appreciate it.

Rubenesque1968 48F

12/4/2005 6:37 am

Mustang ~ I hope I did not offend you with my post, and please realize that I am not always so depressed. And, yes, you have my permission to use my picture.


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