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Time of Reflection
Time of Reflection
Happy Birthday to me! Another year has passed. And in the quiet of the morning, before anyone is awake, I've thought of the past year ... and years before then.
Most people use new year to reflect on their lives, but for me it's always been Epiphany - Jan. 6 - my birthday. Time to review the paths I have chosen, the choices and decisions I have made. I find very few to dispute or regret this year.
I have determined that it's time. I have one regret. One that has lingered for 23 years. One that I'm sure will linger for the rest of my days. But it's time to find out. Time to end the wonder. It will take time for nothing comes easily. And I feel more payment is still coming. I'm not sure the price I've paid so far is enough. It weighs heavily on my heart and mind.
It's in some ways shaped the person I am. This relfection. Determining my deepest fears and greatest joys. It's the one thing to keep you sober. I don't mean from drinking. I mean from life ... it's a constant thought in my mind. Sometimes I can almost touch it .. sometimes very painful ... sometimes reverent.
I came to this relection several years ago. I hit a certain age, and I really don't know what made me start to look deep into myself. So deep that it changed me. There must have been some spark, although I don't remember it. I became so much more open minded ... even hedonistic.
Maybe part of it is the rebel that has always been in me. The one that always fought back and said 'I don't think so!' The free spirit in me finally broke free. I allowed myself to really discover me. And I found an awesome person. You should meet her.....
I have a brother that shares this day as his birthday too. He always tells people that when he was little he wanted a monkey for his birthday, and Dad went to the hospital and brought me home. I still haven't figured out a response to that. Maybe something like ... at least your older and much uglier. The love of siblings!!
Epiphany: (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery b : a revealing scene or moment.
This look deep inside can be a wonderful thing, or can scare the crap out of you. I wish you much joy.
1/7/2006 4:02 pm
If your one regret happened 23 years ago it happened when you were still a child. I think the things that happened that we regret happened when we were children can be hard to over come. If you have a way to make your heart overcome the regret you have battled a demon that is a large one and you never know what demons it can help battle down the road. |
As for your hednonistic attitude I always feel that we have a good side and a naughty side in all of us. That line is not divided in the middle of us though. Your line might have been 51% good and 49% naughty and at a point some of your inhabitions have been lifted through your life experiences. I for one was 80% good when I was younger than 30. I was worried what others would perceive of me and I wanted them to see the good in me. I grew up in an atmosphere that was filled with people that were more like 80% and I didn't like how they were perceived. I am 50/50 now. I still care about certain perceptions about me but also I have lived a shelted life and can't wait until that sheltered has been lifted.
If you have discovered yourself then the you that you have become should be the most awesome person ever. That is what is missing for most of the people online, they are really looking for themselves and have to go through a lot of heartache to find it. To many are not happy with what they have in life and worry about what is missing and let what they have slip right by them. I found myself about 10 years ago. I look at it as the day I "GREW UP" . I know what I want in life and rarely settle for less than that.
At birth you probably were more like a little monkey to your brother than a sister. Now if he bought you a little monkey suit and an small accordian I would worry. Tell him he should have been more picky of what he wanted for his birthday <wink>.
I hope you had an awesome birthday. I didn't read of how the day actually went so I can only hope that your day didn't actually suck. I hope you had an awesome 29th <wink> birthday. My 2006 bring to you all that you want and need.