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Day 1 Friday 5/26;
Friday started being a bad day. I was depressed. By the time I
arrived at my therapy session I was almost suicidal figuring there
was no way out for me. At the end of my session my therapist
suggested that I stay at the hospital for a few days. Waiting "I
want to go home", "I don't want to be here". It was not what I
expected. I was checked in to the psych ward. It is the Memorial Day
weekend and there would be no one to see me till Tuesday. "I don't
belong here". I was in the PSYCH WARD.
Day 2 Saturday 5/27:
My room mate snores LOUDLY, like something from a cartoon. I
couldn't' sleep for the next few days. Slow day though I had visits
from my wife and son. I may be same here but I'm going crazy. All
that can be done is eat, read, write, pace, and sleep. I'm scared. I
did though have a visit from my friend J and her lady friend T.
Day 3 Sunday 5/28:
I feel uncomfortable, I can't relax. This is not doing any good.
There is nothing to do. My wife brought me some fruit, something
that has been missing. I called my friends B and T. My wife that had
been so resistant to any outward change in me started talking about
Day 4 Monday 5/29
When my wife arrived we talked about things that she would be
willing to accept as a compromise. We talked about being ok with me
getting out more as me (away from home), also going out together
with her getting nails done, hair, shopping together (her ideas),
electrolysis, and a mild dosage of hormones (my ideas). This is
wonderful news. She needs me. I had called my friends B and T to
talk to and they wanted to come and visit, I had pushed them off
from lunchtime to dinner (my wife was originally not coming) to
Tuesday (my wife would be at work).
I did start thinking was this compromise enough will I be
living "half a life".
Day 5 Tuesday 5/30
I started thinking about the good part of my life that I can now
start living. I had an interview with the physiologist (I don't
relate well to men) it was a little hard to understand him with his
accent. The room was full of interns listening to my answers to his
questions. I was a little nervous just because I don't relate to me
and that I wanted to answer the questions correctly in order to get
out of this prison. My wife showed up unexpected, she was called for
a meeting with the doctors. I was also expecting B and T, it was to
be the first time my wife met any of the trans people that I know.
B, T, my wife and I had a nice conversation. My wife ended up really
liking and trusting them. The food is not great, I ate a half of a
turkey sandwich that my wife had brought me the day before. End of
Day 6 Wednesday 5/31
The thing is that if you are going to be released is that they tell
you about it the day before. So I knew that I was not going to get
out on Wednesday. As usual there is not much to do. Exercise
therapy, recreational therapy (in other words go for a walk outside,
the first time I had been out since Friday). I talked to the doctor,
I never know if I say the right thing. My stress and anxiety over my
relationship is starting to life but I have to et our of here to
feel any better. I'm a caged animal. I'm eating junk, chicken
nuggets for dinner, cookies for snacks. Twice a day they test my
blood sugar because I am pre diabetes. There are many different
people here some you can talk to and some you can't. I will tell you
about on woman that seemed rational; I tried to talk to her for an
hour. She was just very hear to reach, she has given up on life she
says that she no quality of life. When she left the next day she
gave me a hug, maybe I did reach here a little.
Day 7 Thursday 6/1
My room mate left on Wednesday so I had a night without snoring. I
was thinking about my future, my fulfillment as a woman. I have been
trying to deny it for so long. I always feel giddy (for lack of a
better word) when someone refers to me as her or by my REAL name,
Amy. My therapist came to see me and we talked for about 15 mins. To
cut the story short I stayed over one more night. I had a therapy
group downstairs and an appointment with the therapist in the
morning. Why can't I be "normal?" The fire alarm went off just at
dinner arrived. We had to wait 45 minuets in the hall before we
could eat. Needles to say it was cold. But it also was one of the
best meals. I had to walked down to the group, it was like a
The topic of the group naturally focused on depression and suicide.
I told my story of the week and each told a little of their
experiences. It all comes back to you have to be true to yourself. I
don't know how anything is going to be right.
Day 8 Friday 6/2
I was watching a bird outside my window (still in my prison) with
wonderment, marveling how perfectly nature had planned its
existence. How it changed direction so quickly as it was sitting on
the wire fence. I wonder what it could be thinking. The human race
is cursed with too much though. Why can't we exist like the birds
and just be happy. I signed some papers, was released, went to my
appointment with the therapist, and went home.
I told my wife my name, Amy. I told her about this TG party that is
held every 6 weeks and asked her is she had a problem if I wanted to
go. Since she knew that B and T were going she was ok with it. We
went out shopping and bought some clothes for me (2 skirt and 2
blouses). I decided to wear the dress I already had. I showed her
some of the things I has previously bought. Things may ok after all.
But we will worry about the future in the future.