|Blogs > RedDevilJennifer > The Chronicles of My Life|
Originally posted: 8/7/05
You know I love you dearly and I would never do anything to hurt you, but there is something I feel you should know.
I don't know how to say this, and it terrifies me to do it, but I'm going to just do it.
Mom, you may have noticed something different about me in the last few months. I've been growing my hair out, I got my ears pierced, I've shaved off my body hair, and I've been rather despondent and isolated. There is a reason for it. I'm not trying to be a rebel. I'm carrying a huge emotional burden.
I feel like I have been living a lie. I don't feel like the person you know me as. Deep down, I'm someone entirely different.
You know how you used to tell me that when you were pregnant with me, you were certain I was going to be born a girl? Well, guess what. You're going to get your wish after all. Mom, deep down, I feel I that I am female. I've always been very sensitive, and as I've grown up, I've gone from being a self-centered child to a caring and sympathetic adult. I've learned that my caring and sympathetic nature is my feminine side waiting to come out.
I've embraced that feminine side, and it's made me a happier person. When my outer appearance matches my inner feelings, I feel a happiness that is hard for me to put into words. I feel complete and whole.
You're probably wondering how this all started. This is probably gonna sound digusting, but I used to borrow your things. Your bras, your panties, your makeup, etc... I used to dress up when no one was around. It started out as an innocent sexual fetish. But it became more than that. As time went on, I started to feel more in tune with female self.
You're probably also wondering why now? Why am I coming out now? What's prompted me to come out of the closet? The answer to this is simple. As you know, you know how depressed I was when Stephanie left me. I dealt with that depression for many months. I wrestled with finding my happiness and snapping out of the depression. I decided after 15 months of depression that I was going to be true to myself. It was then I decided to come out of the closet. In case you're wondering. Yes she knew. I told her. I don't know if it was one of the reasons her and I broke up, but she did know.
So, what does all of this mean? Well, by clinical definition, I am a transvestite. I may be male, but I often dress, look, and act female. There is a part of me that wishes to live my life as a female. I've come to realize that I am happier when I am my female self. I know that may be hard for you to understand. But, I've always more identified with females. I've never quite been 100% male in my heart.
You're probably asking yourself now if this has something to do with my desire to move out of the area. Yes, this is part of the reason I wish to leave Virginia. Everything I told you about the area changing for the worst is also true. My other reason for leaving is a woman I have met. Her and I have made quite the connection, and she's another reason I want to leave. So I can be with her.
You're probably wondering, if I wish to be a woman, am I interested in men? The long and short of that is no. In all honesty, I am bisexual. I discovered that I was bisexual when I was 15 years old. I lost my virginity to a girl and to a guy in the same summer. But, I've always been more attracted to women. So, I guess that makes me a lesbian. I know you probably don't want to hear this either, but if it fills in the blanks, then so be it.
Where is the final destinaton? Well Mom, somewhere down the road, I'm considering hormones and plastic surgery to become as female as possible. I have decided that I do not want to have a sex change though. After researching sex changes on the internet, I've learned that it doesn't look natural, and I do not want to go through that. But, I do want live as female as possible.
Mom, I know this is a lot to take in. I know this is hard to grasp. I hope you can understand how I feel, and realize that I am still the same person you raised me to be. I hope that by coming clean to you and telling you the truth that this will not rip the family apart, for that has been my biggest fear.
I will always love you Mom, and I hope that you still love me for who I am. I don't want to hurt you, but I cannot live a lie anymore. I sincerely hope that you will not cut me out or disown me from the family.
I love you Mom.
With deepest sincerity,