Thick head, light bulbs and lighting bolts  

PurplePeach72 44F  
7753 posts
8/20/2006 5:51 pm

Last Read:
8/22/2006 9:06 pm

Thick head, light bulbs and lighting bolts

Sometimes it is amazing how complicated we can make the simplest things. My nightmare is not over. I don't know yet that it will be. But this week I have had some insights. A few light bulbs went off. No matter how much two people love each other over time that can not meet all of the others needs. And I don't just mean in the bed. We all have egos that need stroking. We have desires that have to be explored. And even when a couple is a good "match" they will not always like or want the same thing at the same time. I was caught up in things like, well you do this with that person, or you want to go off or stay home when I want to do something, you can do it with or for someone else. I didn't want to seek out any of my needs outside of our relationship, thus putting unrealistic expectations on her. I wanted to be the only person she needed. Well life doesn't work that way.
This weekend, I got an invite to go out. Seems some friends, a couple wanted to help me get a break, and see me have a good time. So we went out, he doesn't dance, so I ended up dancing all night (boy my knees are telling me about it today) and I mean we did it all, except have sex on the dance floor. We were the hit. That is something that LeeAnn can't do with me. I never got it until last night. I even talked and flirted with total strangers. Something I have not be able to do before. After we closed the place down they took me home for some real fun. Afterward I lie there thinking for along time. Yes, even after sex I can lay awake for hours if my brain is I realized something, I had a good time, and I did it with our her. She didn't have to do anything. I took charge of what I wanted to do and did it and felt good about. No guilt. When the sun peaked through the windows I kissed my hostess and told her to tell her husband thank you. I had had a blast. But then, I came home, got a shower, slipped in bed with LeeAnn. Kissed her on the cheek and rolled over, I didn't have to have her right then, I didn't feel like I had to wake her up and say ok I had sex with someone else, so here is yours. And the light bulb went off. The b/f is not in place of or instead of me, he is just there, something she likes, no demands, no pressure her escape from the demands of the real world, I am part of the real world, so I cant always be the escape too. And I can understand and accept that now. She doesn't have to come home from being with him and "make up sex or time" that she give him with me. If she comes home happy, like I did this morning, then we have done something right, because we will have our time when the time is right. Why it took so long for me to understand something so simple makes my head and heart hurt. No, this is not the fix, all is not perfect in Paradise, but I sure think it is better. What I am hoping is that we can work to the point now that our marriage is our base camp, home port, the hub of where everything starts and ends. But it is not the end all be all. We are here for each other in ways that only we can be. But we can also reach out and have our needs might in other ways. I love her but I cannot put her on such a high pedestal that she feels like she can never live up to my expectations. So know I start a new path. Mutual love and respect. We give freely what we have and ask for nothing in return. Because we love each other, there is no score keeping, and we will always give each other something no one else can.
We have a long road ahead, But I have more hope now. I am still working on giving her all the space she needs, so that she knows her decisions are hers and hers alone. I hope she can see that she doesn't have to keep running. I am happier now, looking forward to a very special reunion of two people who love each other. We love differently and that's ok. Once we understand each others love and that it does not demand the same kind of love in return, just love, we will be in a good place again. I will always be her friend, hold her when the rest of the world turns against her and never say a word. She doesn't need words. She needs the freedom to accept my hug for what it is. A safe place to come to, not prison that she cant leave when she is ok.
I sat in the rain and thunder and lighting this afternoon and thought for a long time. Watching the lighting flash, and the thunder roll in, it is like watching my life. Lots of beauty, but storm and fury comes with it. But like the storm, life is short. We have to take a stand, and know that we can enjoy it, and we can be part of someone else's life and empower and allow them to enjoy it too. I am a fool in so many ways. She loves me. I love her. We both need each other, but we also need others. We can not take all of each other, otherwise we become nothing.
So here is hoping that after all that lighting and fury, the rain comes washes all the old, the dirt the left overs away, leaving life fresh and new. So that is my hope that I am waking up every so slowly out of this nightmare. And that she will be here.


rm_sexkitty0007 53M/48F

8/22/2006 6:08 pm

Just an update, I wont be on AdultFriendFinder for awhile, so I wont be blogging, but my heart goes out to you and LeeAnn and I hope that everything works out for you both. Take care & be happy,
"You cannot change the winds~~but you can adjust your sails"

rm_sexkitty0007 53M/48F

8/22/2006 5:01 pm

I curled up watching for years 17 of them...the storm passed. When I awoke I was alone with children...single again after 18 years. My story was different. We all get to have different endings. I began a new chapter months ago, and to my own surprise, I found something and someone even better. Not that this is the end for the 2 of you, by any means. I just mean that, the storm does pass. The sun will shine, and you will both smile and be happy again. Just dont sit forever watching the storm pass by is all..jump in and get what it is you want. I highly recommend going after and fighting for what you want and to hell with the consequences. I wouldnt be where I am if I hadnt taken a leap of faith. Its scary but so worth it.

rm_sexkitty0007 53M/48F

8/22/2006 9:41 am

I can tell you from experience that once the storm passes, and the old has been washed away, the beauty of the new day will take your breath away...the storm doesnt last forever, but the new day, and the new beginning it gives to you are just awesome. How lucky I am that the storm has passed, and that I have been given these new days, may you also share in this. I have no doubt that love conquers all. in the meantime curl up on the couch and watch the storm pass you by, and wait for the sun to shine.

PurplePeach72 replies on 8/22/2006 2:56 pm:
I am curled up watching the storm. Right now my fear is that it won't pass in the sense of it will be alright. I am truely afraid in my heart that when the storm is over I will have been hit by that fatal bolt of lighting. I want nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare, in her arms with her telling me, "I am here, its ok, your nightmare is over"
Thanks for the encouragement and positive thoughts.

ohcurious14 59M
1683 posts
8/22/2006 7:47 am

Steve, NB & I are so glad to hear you took the opportunity to get out on your own. It's obvious you had a great time. Even though the lifestyle we lead is a lot of fun, it can also lead to taking many things for granted as well. No two couples likes, as far a swinging goes, can really be compared, so it would kind of be hard for either of us to offer you any advice. While even NB & I see both positives and negatives in what is happening in your relationship, it's hard for us to even say anything, given the fact that you and LeeAnn both are so dear to us. Yes we both understand both of your points and yes we know resolving is difficult but we are not here to pass judgement or say who is right and wrong. We are here in whatever capacity you might need us and we hope deep down you look back at everything and realise what you 2 have is so worth staying together. Yes we do live in a wicked web and sometimes we get bit or stung and it's from that sting or bite and how it is treated that determines how you heal.You have are support, our love and our friendship. We wish you the best in your resolve. Let's go golfing ok?

PurplePeach72 replies on 8/22/2006 2:52 pm:
Its not really about right or wrong. It is about what each of us needs. I believe with all my being that what we have is worth saving. I understand her needs. Having seen the light in a most bizarre moment it really is simple. The problem is I don't know if she either accepts that I understand that and am willing to help and allow her to meet those needs, and if she wants to stay with me regardless. I am in a fog. I will see the therapist soon. I think right now the single biggest thing I need is a little reassurance that, yes we both believe its worth saving, yes we both want it and that we are both working towards that goal, together.
Thanks for your care and support.

SingleNLooking72 105F

8/21/2006 10:44 am

Wow, I go spend the night with Prof Luigi and come back to a different tone. This is GREAT! I know it's not nearly over, and this is just your take on things, but it's a step in the right direction. I'm glad you had a great time, next time you go close down the place, I'm going!

Mz LJ?*

sexyariesgirl 57F

8/20/2006 10:08 pm

Power To FOK

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